Can the Bibas family help to cure antisemitism?

After meeting with Yarden Bibas shortly after the bodies of Yarden’s murdered sons, Ariel (4) and Kfir (10 months), were returned (but before the body of his murdered wife Shiri was finally returned following Hamas initially sending the wrong body), IDF Spokesman Daniel Hagari communicated this message to the world: “Yarden looked me in the eyes and asked that all the world know and be horrified by the manner in which they murdered his children [with their bare hands].”

https://www.timesofisrael.com/idf-says-captors-murdered-children-ariel-and-kfir-bibas-with-their-bare-hands/

Yaden’s wish is heartfelt and logical. It also tragically anachronistic.  Because Yarden had been a hostage in Gaza from October 7, 2023 until February 1, 2025, he now seems to be assuming what many of us did in the immediate aftermath of October 7, when we, but not him, watched horrific videos, such as that of his wife and sons being kidnapped: that the world will understand the horror that Israel is facing and will feel genuine and abiding empathy.

But I am not sure that Yarden is as aware as those who have not been hostage in Gaza that what followed shortly after was the normalization of Israel hate and the revival of the antisemitic trope that Jews deserve whatever suffering comes to them.  From captivity in Gaza, Yarden likely had not witnessed the chorus of activists, politicians, professors, doctors, lawyers, poets, journalists, independent thinkers, etc. who seem to feel morally superior to Israel and who are willing to draw false parallels without attention to causality (there would be no war in Gaza without October 7 and without the passionate ideology that Israel must be destroyed).  Perhaps Yarden is not yet fully aware that many people tend to take a nap on their sofas when his sons, wife, parents-in-law and dog are murdered but wake up fresh and ready to speak up when Israel reacts to prevent such crimes from happening again (as Hamas has promised to repeat October 7 and worse).

So I hope that in his deep and eternal state of mourning, Yarden is not reading gaslighting messages such as that of Canadian NDP leader Jagmeet Singh:

“Violence against children is unacceptable. The Bibas children – and countless other children in Gaza should be alive today. Once again, New Democrats call for justice. Justice for all families who’ve lost loved ones – and for all those in the region who deserve peace. A child is a child is a child.”

https://x.com/theJagmeetSingh/status/1892670474108469661

Singh has typed the word peace, but what he may be inadvertently doing is emboldening terrorists, who are counting on people in the West to do what they want them to do: help people to forget that the Hamas has passionately initiated and pursued a war in which they wanted as many Israeli and Gazan children as possible to die.  My wish for all those who covertly support the fantasy of destroying Israel is that they will have the decency to not type “Bibas” and press “post” from the comfort of their laptops as they implicitly lecture Israelis, who have been forced into a tragic war, about the value of human life.

When I read Singh’s “children. . . children. . . children. . . child. . . child. . . child,” I know that the children of Gaza, who indeed have been suffering, are not well served by his moral equivocation. The person who comes to my mind, by contrast, is a man who genuinely worked for the welfare of the people of Gaza: Oded Lifshitz (83), the murdered peace activist who had worked for decades for peace and whose body was returned with the Bibas children.  Some of Oded’s work is mentioned here:

https://www.timesofisrael.com/oded-lifshitz-hostage-slain-by-islamic-jihad-was-journalist-and-peace-activist/

The murder of Oded, Shiri, Ariel and Kfir should be (yet another) wake-up call to anybody who has been manipulated by the rhetoric of resistance to understand that they have been inadvertently lending their support to a murderous ideology that seeks the destruction of Israel and the indiscriminate murder of Israelis—with ambitions beyond Israel and beyond the Jews.  This is an ideology that, far from emerging in response to Israeli brutality, has flourished because the Hamas do not value the lives of their own people and are unwilling to consider the peaceful co-existence that Israel has repeatedly offered.  The majority of Palestinians, who want to live peacefully, are the first victims of Hamas.

Given the rise of antisemitism in its current Israel-focused metamorphosis that we have witnessed since October 7, I am not optimistic that many eyes and hearts that are not already open will become opened to the harsh lessons that the murder of Shiri, Kfir, Ariel and Oded can teach us.  The addictive and easy pleasures of moral superiority and Jew hate will likely remain more appealing that the hard work of looking inward.

But for those willing to learn, the lives of the hostages—both murdered and surviving—have much to teach.

My attention since October 7 has been drawn to Oded Lifshitz partly because he shares a first name with my father.  The fact that they are both called Oded is a coincidence—but it is a coincidence made more likely by the fact that Zionists were attracted to this Hebrew name partly because it has the linguistic root of the word “encouragement” (my grandmother chose the name also to encourage herself after her sister passed away).  My father is someone who lives up to the meaning of his name and excels in creating a good and supportive atmosphere and in reminding us that goodness is eternal in the universe:

https://periodicphysics.com/

So intuitively, Oded is a name that reminds me that the ability of human beings to encourage each other—to add light to each other’s lives—is very real.

Ohad Ben Ami, who was released from captivity in Gaza looking gaunt on February 8, 2025, said these words in a video embedded in the following article (translated from Hebrew, around 2:15).  His words sound to me like a Psalm:

“The feelings day by day, day by day, you see how people slowly change and how time affects them, and even people who had hope and faith suddenly start to lose that, and you constantly need to lift them, and lift them, and lift them, and this was our unity; we are the Jewish people; we are a strong people; we are a united people; we are unified; we know how to lift.  We lifted each other.  I am not with them [the other hostages] to lift them up.  It is hard for me.  My friends, you know that I love you.  You know it was difficult for me to leave while you remain there.  It was a difficult event for me.  Stay strong.  The people want you to come back.  With God’s help, you will come back. . . ”

https://www.timesofisrael.com/in-video-address-to-hostage-rallies-freed-captive-pleads-for-protests-to-continue/

Shiri, Ariel and Kfir will did not come back alive to their modest and love-filled home in Kibbutz Nir Oz.  The pictures and videos that have been circulating on social media about the Bibas family glow with the warmth and the beauty of people who clearly loved each other, loved being parents, loved interconnectedness with other people beyond their nuclear family, and loved life.  Their front porch has been described by friends as a hub where everyone wanted to come, where they sat and had cookies and coffee while Yarden folded laundry, where children in the figurative spring of their lives played in an Edenic, carefree atmosphere.

I would like to highlight a few sentences from an interview with Shiri’s friends (link below) that might seem like an odd choice—but I will explain soon why I think these sentences might hold a key for people who have been seduced by Israel hate but who are willing to self-examine.

The video is in Hebrew without subtitles (quoted parts start at 9:54):

https://youtube.com/watch?v=6NFIgukHnCU&si=du3MV_hsK-AL9DMY

Stav Cunio, Shiri’s friend, describing (in the present tense) how life used to be:

“We come back from work.

I call: Shiri, I am on my way to you.

Our kids get together

Jump on the trampoline

We sit down

And we cannot stop

Venting and complaining

About our husbands

That was THE topic of conversation”

Dalit Ran Aharon, Shiri’s friend, who nodded in agreement when Stav recalled venting about husbands:

I really loved laughing with Shiri

We would sit for hours

Disparage and criticize

Each other

And also have profound conversations

From deep inside the soul

Stav:

She [Shiri] is a true soul friend

You can speak with her about anything

She is always there

Always present

I miss her

I translated the verb “laredet” (לרדת) that Dalit used as “disparage and criticize” but it can also be translated as “teased.” “Laredet” (which literally means to go down) is a semantic opposite of the Hebrew word “leharim” (להרים) that Ohad used to describe the hostages “lifting up” each other spirits.  But the two apparent opposites—to lift and to humorously disparage—are two sides of the same coin that makes many Israelis strong and resilient.  By openly embracing constructive venting as a healthy human need, Shiri’s friends remind us that relationships can be built with humor, honesty and vulnerability—instead of the patterns of passive and covert aggression that too often undermine human bonds.

Would Yarden be offended by hearing that venting about husbands was THE topic of conversation on the red sofa on his front porch among Shiri and her friends?  In all likelihood, he would not; he would likely recognize it as the healthy and constructive emotional release that it is. In all accounts, Yarden before October 7 was (and hopefully will be) a man with a wicked sense of humor.  Shiri’s friends in the video say that Shiri fell in love with him because he made her laugh and because he brought out her own sense of humor (around 8:15).  One of Yarden’s jokes that Stav mentions (around 8:56) rings with terrible tragic irony.  Apparently, after Ariel was born a redhead, Yarden asked wryly: “how can I walk with him [Ariel] in the street; people will think I kidnapped him?”  Today, we know that Ariel was not only kidnapped, but also tortured and murdered after Yarden left his home to try to defend his family and the kibbutz.

Yarden was not speaking with his characteristic humor when he asked for the entire world to learn about the sadistic manner in which his children were murdered. Yarden has lost his wife, his children, the beloved family dog Tonto—as well as Shiri’s parents Margit and Yossi, who were all murdered on October 7:

https://www.timesofisrael.com/margit-and-yosi-silverman-killed-while-9-month-old-grandson-captured/

https://www.ynetnews.com/environment/article/b1lysvxr1g

People who have been seduced by Israel hate but who are willing to acknowledge error could perhaps benefit from reflecting on how things used to be on the red sofa in the Bibas’s front porch and from asking themselves some questions:

Why am I so convinced that Israel should be THE topic of concern, THE ultimate villain?

Life is difficult—full of stress, loneliness and uncertainty.  Shiri and her friends dealt with this reality by getting together and humorously making a subject that was real and immediate in their lives—their husbands—THE topic of conversation.

Could it be that some of the moral superiority that I feel toward Israel is because I do not know Israel and finds it hard to openly and constructively vent about real issues in my life?  Is it easier and more pleasurable to channel antisemitic tropes and make Israel THE problem?

What can the legacy of Shiri Bibas and the heartbreakingly beautiful life that she created with Yarden teach us about living an honest, open and peaceful life?

Even if you do not understand Hebrew, you can see around 10:04 in the above video how Stav puts emphasis on the word “Ha” (Hebrew for “The”) when she says that complaining about husbands was THE subject of conversation (literally she says, “it was the conversation, THE”—using a Hebrew sentence structure that is designed to give the word THE emphasis but that does not work well in English syntax).

https://youtube.com/watch?v=6NFIgukHnCU&si=du3MV_hsK-AL9DMY

In the “Bibas red sofa approach” to treating antisemitism, people who engage in Israel hate would be invited to self-examine, look inward and ask why they make Israel THE topic.  What is it in their lives that they really need to talk about so that they can find inner peace and stop covertly emboldening terror organizations with the illusion that they are supporting “resistance” to oppression?

Shiri, Yarden, Ariel and Kfir should have never become household names.  Shiri and Yarden should have gone on living quiet, loving anonymous lives and watched their children grow.  Shiri should have been able to continue to generate fresh and juicy gossip with her friends.  Out of respect for her memory and the memory of her children, people who have been seduced by the addictive power of Israel hate can find ways to constructively vent about what really bothers them in their lives—because deep inside they likely know that the problem is not Israel.