On being an ally to oppressed people not for your comfort or reassurance
Superb Allies
Women who don’t try to make you feel good non-stop, Blacks who don’t smile, Blue-color workers who make fun of you, Jews who don’t apologize, Gays who don’t try to be ‘normal,’ children who say what they think, people with a handicap who’re not so grateful, can you still be their ally?
There is something so oppressive in wanting to be an oppressed people’s ally but conditionally. Hoping they’ll smile, won’t get angry, or irritated.
Such an ally-ship is self-serving. It’s for your peace of mind, not for them.
Understandably, you crave your imagined privileged position and honor. But, take your humble place. They might first want to be with each other.
It can be tough. So, seek other allies to be buddies with. Don’t stay alone.
Why?
You think it unnecessary for women to be sour-faced? Well, consider this.
Before Feminism, women in the West were expected to marry men, have kids, and take care of their every need, and if they as much as complained were labeled hysterics. This is what a woman ‘naturally’ longed to do.
They had to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed, play nanny, cook, clean, be psychologist to everyone else, lend sexual services to the boss, nurse, be contact person (and driver) to the schools, all for free with no breaks, no end of shift, no vacations, or social benefits. A nice boss was a bonus.
Then came Feminism. Now they could demand their husbands to chip in, which most of them did reluctantly for a short while if at all. And they could demand working outside of the house. So, that came on top of it.
Having a paying career lifted their lives above the status of someone who does everything for free, just for a hobby. Now they had also some money to spend without having to justify it. But if she now complained it was too much, she was ungrateful with her ‘freedom.’ She should be less selfish and understand the Boss was tired too (especially after a beer or smoke).
You would cry too if it happened to you.
Well Done
First of all, kudos to any oppressed not trying to constantly appease allies.
Let them be nervous a bit for a change. It’s their turn to be uncomfortable.
Not for revenge (although a little revenge can be charming too), but you are not their slave anymore. Wasn’t that the whole point?
You’ll help and appreciate them eventually, but not as if they do you an unbelievable favor. If they are just nice because they don’t want you to be angry at them, that’s not being an ally. They must feel that being there for you is because they insist to live in a better world, not from pity for you.
Yes, it can be tough to break the oppressive mold. But that’s the only way.
One-Way
What about ‘reverse oppression’?
Men are not allowed to cry, even talk about their emotions. Men are treated as expendable: “Women and children first.”
● Well, for starters, these men are not oppressed by women.
● Secondly, if you don’t behave in the oppressor role (fearless, ruthless), you will be oppressed like a woman (plus get Gay-oppression). That’s not men’s oppression. That’s Sexism. Yet another reason to end this.
● Thirdly, when you are trained to become an oppressor of women, you are oppressed but not as a man. You’re oppressed as a child, a male child. When you’re taught that the best men die at the battlefield, you’re not oppressed as a man but as a working-class boy. When you as a White hear or see racism for the first time, you’re a powerless kid (or baby) and all you can do is distance yourself from and mistrust White people and your own body. Blacks did not stop you from dancing or running well. You did. Blacks did not make you feel bad (or arrogant) about your skin color. Whites did. Blacks did not make you isolated and obsessed with sex. You had to.
● Fourthly, you must hurt kids repeatedly very deeply, while blocking their chances to heal (‘Stop crying!’), to get them to act as ‘willing’ agents of oppressions. So much so that men die earlier, Whites have fewer friends, etc. Yet, Sexism targets and kills women, not men, Racism kills Blacks.
(Also, you must hurt kids repeatedly very deeply, while blocking their chances to heal (‘Stop crying!’), to get them to act as ‘willing’ victims of oppressions. But not cooperating with an oppression doesn’t take it away. Yet, people targeted by oppressions tend to fight them off more and more while guilt feelings hinder that in people conditioned to oppress. That doesn’t mean that the oppressors can now play the new victims. The old ones are still there and there is no equivalence between the two groups.)
So, there’s no ‘reverse oppression.’ But systemic chronic mistreatment of younger people exists, to condition them into their oppressor roles.
So, men are trained to think of themselves as worthless unless they sacrificed themselves for women and children or king and nation. This explains how men can expect women to sacrifice themselves their whole lives. But women are the ones whose lives are nullified every day from the morning to the evening. When heart attacks were killing men, no funding was too large to stop this. Then it was found that women die from heart attacks too but they have different symptoms. For decades, no one cared.
Jews don’t oppress Germans, women don’t oppress men, Blacks don’t oppress Whites, Jews don’t oppress Christians or Muslims, Gays don’t oppress Straights, kids don’t oppress grownups. It’s easier to complain about our victim status but if we want a better world, we must have a hard look at that someone is doing the oppressing, who should stop it. You too.
Postscript
Let’s end on a terribly sour but necessary note. Yesterday, yet another woman got murdered by her male spouse. Happens about twice every month in Israel. He then killed himself. The news calls it murder-suicide.
I have a problem with calling this murder-suicide.
When someone shoots up a school or a brothel and then kills himself, you don’t call it a murder-suicide. This is murder. Also here. Murder of yet another woman by a close relative — her spouse. That he then committed suicide is not to be equated to his murder. It’s almost irrelevant.
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. *
As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. *
This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Of the 15 (!) books he has in mind, the next two are about homosexuality in Judaism and new rabbinics. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2600 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog that also may contain updates to Times of Israel posts, to which one may subscribe, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. *
He's getting ready to publicize books on: "Free Will, "Judaism and Homosexuality, "His parents in the Holocaust, "Judaism, "A New Torah Translation and "A New Hebrew Grammar, "Co-Counseling, "Vegan Facts, "Immortality, and more. *
Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He agrees that in a post-truth world, that's irrelevant, but then this is for the record. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. *
Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. *
Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. *
He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. *
He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. *
He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. *
His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. His posts are spell, grammar, and style polished by AI, but all written by himself. *
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His newest books you may find here: https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3AMoshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&s=relevancerank&text=Moshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1
