Chanukah Is Not Religious or Frum

(from the Frum Guide)

Chanukah is not a religious holiday. Nothing about the Holiday is frum. If you want to be frum, you should skip Chanukah.

Reasons Chanukah is not frum:

-Any holiday that you can shower on is not religious. If you are permitted to smell good, it is not religious day. There is a reason we celebrate two straight days of every holiday outside of Israel, where general hygiene is overly stressed.

-Chilonim- secular Jews like it. Anything secular Jews like cannot be frum. Why do you think frum Jews stopped eating shrimp?

-Singing Christmas carols to Hebrew words. That is XMas you non-frum wreath hanging sinner. Chas vShalom, calling it Christmas and singing those songs like ‘We light…one for each night,’ are not even Jewish. You light six on the sixth night. Seven including the shamis (the light that shouldn’t even be there, you non-oil lighting heretic). You light one for each night if it is a Yahrzheit (the commemoration of somebody’s death, you gehenim living preetzut and gashmeut to death).

-Not one famous American Jewish singer ever wrote a Chanukah song, which is why most Jews feel it is easier to connect with Xmas. And do not say Matisyahu. I think he recently made a decision that his spiritual quest has pulled him to the Bhaji faith.

-Chabad is out in the public celebrating it with huge Chanukias (those are the chanukah Menoras, you nonHebrew speaking nonTemple praying Hellenist). Frum Jews do not associate with Chabad, unless they are on vacation. You have to keep kosher when traveling, and there are only so many Snickers bars you can force your children to eat before they don’t like candy anymore. Chabad brings the hot Kosher food, and that hashgacha works in Thailand.

-Spinning tops are not frum. Call it dreidel, but gambling is forbidden unless you are in Vegas for the Diamonds convention. Putting money down on dreidel is ‘Misachek BKoobiah’ (gambling you apikores who cannot bare witness).

-We get gifts and not one of the people that gives us the gift has a long white beard.

-Chocolate coins as Chanukah Gelt is a rip off. The chocolates are also too small for any real Jew to enjoy. The fact that gelt is Yiddish does give the tradition of giving money some religious significance.

-You are allowed to work, and work is asur (forbidden, you family supporting gift purchasing heretic).

-No Galus or as you know it, Diaspora, is involved in the holiday. Any holiday that even hints to redemption is not religious. Even worse, is if the holiday speaks of Israel being united. For this same reason, no true frum Jew would even think to say Yom HaAtzmaut (Israeli Independence Day- Oy, If I forget thee oh galus).

-The Holiday is fun.

The only part to Chanukah that is frum is eating. But even sufganiot, which are jellyless jelly doughnuts, are not frum at all. Frum people do not eat doughnuts, unless the doughnut is spongecake.

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.
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