Charedim, the Army & Not Hating During the 9 Days

Before we made Aliyah 5 years ago, I spoke to several acquaintances while searching for the right community. I will never forget when a friend told me she was moving from Ramat Bet Shemesh to Efrat because after having so many negative interactions with Charedim, she felt it was better for her kids to fear Arab neighbors than fellow Jews. 

Having lived in Bet Shemesh for 5 years now, we’ve had our share of stories. My Israeli flag is guaranteed to be stolen when I visit the dry cleaner in the Charedi area of Bet, my daughters have been tapped on the shoulder by Charedi men and asked to move to the back of the bus and my daughter was harassed by Charedi children for owning a smartphone on the way home from helping a child in that area who has special needs. Someone once said to me that moving to Israel did wonders for her sinat chinam and to be honest, when I hear stories like these, I can sometimes relate. 

And yet, Charedim- even extremists- are Jews. And here we are, during the 9 days and the vitriol in the country is out of control leading to actual hatred, fueled even more by the Charedi refusal to serve in the army, on top of hundreds of days served by Miliumnikim in a war not of our choosing, leaving widows and orphans, divorces, anxious children and struggling businesses in its wake. And unlike Moshe’s admonishment in last week’s parshiyot: they are complacent to stay home while their brothers go to war. 

Comments like MK Goldknopf’s in last week’s Makor Rishon- which was distributed to its readership for Rosh Chodesh Av, don’t help much to promote solidarity and his insensitivity was like pouring gas on a fire.

But with the real issues and real emotions, it is still the 9 days and it’s a time when we remember how division caused the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash. And I don’t want to hate. 

I don’t have easy answers to the question of how to get Charedim to serve. But after a lot of thought, I do want to propose a few suggestions and an approach of how to arrive at Tisha b’Av this year:

1. No one owes anything to anyone in life. Living a life of Torah study is truly a beautiful value and I have the utmost admiration for those who choose to sacrifice and live a life without luxuries in order to be engaged in a more kadosh- or ascetic life. With that said, there should not be an expectation that the country (or neighbors) will support that lifestyle, even in the best of times. Certainly not now when that budget should be going to support those who are serving or businesses that are being affected by the lack of tourism. 
2. If someone chooses not to abide by the law and serve, then they need to accept that they are not receiving benefits. No matter how many times they block highways or put Kikarim on fire. 
3. We need to vote with our value system in the next election. 
4. The angry Facebook comments and blogs (like these) are not helpful to guilt or cajole Charedim to serve because Charedim are largely not on social media anyway and people tend to read the points that reinforce their own. All it does is fuel the angry flames that we are already feeling. Not helpful. 

And I post this anyway because: 

5. Pushing the Charedim to serve isn’t going to help. The Charedim are not interested in negotiation and compromise as proven by the fact that so few have been willing to join Chashmonaim- and with Goldknopf saying he didn’t even visit because Smotrich is meant for the army and he is meant for the Beit Medrash. The simple reality is this: the charedi community have been educated to believe that the army will cause the destruction of their souls, l’havdil, the way that Gazans have been taught that Israelis are evil and have stolen their land. Sometimes it’s true, sometimes it’s not but it is futile to argue against it. Despite the fact that we don’t remember much of what we were taught at school, education is actually a very powerful force in determining our value system, even when some things we have learnt are not actually true. Pushing Charedim into a corner will only make them fight back as if it’s yiharaig v’al yaavor. 

1. Offering financial incentives and/or a pathway to a degree will give far more personal incentives to find reasons to join the army. Speaking in the language of our ideals of supporting brethren and protecting the country will fall on deaf ears. Speaking in words of how they can support their families can incentivize them to serve even when it means going against the community norms. 
2. Charedim are not all extremists. Just like the entire Dati Leumi community shudders when a few crazy people attack Palestinians and the media simply refers to them as “settlers”, we need to acknowledge that not all charedim are extreme and/or insensitive. MK Gafni quickly denounced Goldknopf’s words and so did the editor of Mishpacha Magazine. It didn’t solve the issue but that was still heartening. I have met and worked with many Charedim and while I don’t agree with some of their ideological choices, it’s hard to hate someone that you know and respect. And it’s much easier for them to respect my choices when they know me. When I read the newspaper or the news (or hear my kids’ stories after getting off the bus), I am boiling with anger. When I work with charedim, I just think of them as my friends and co-workers and people I enjoy working with. I also start to realize that we pay most attention to the ugliest stories but those stories are far from representative of the norm. We build far greater understanding and bridges with exposure.

I can’t change the reality on the ground but as we enter Tisha b’Av in the midst of a heated year with much division, I don’t want to deny the real issues that exist but I also don’t want to go in hating other Jews. We need Mashiach more than ever before and the only way to make that happen is by lowering the flames. Let’s hope we can all get there in a more peaceful place.