Columbia Cancels Classes to Grieve Loss of Hamas Leader SATIRE

Manhattan Ivy League school, Columbia University, has cancelled all classes for its upcoming fall semester (for journalism and international affairs students,) in order to give students the opportunity to mourn for one of their beloved heroes, Ismail Haniyeh. The dean of students relayed “Our Columbia kiddos are just so distraught at this time. It would be unfair to expect them to engage in any measure of scholarship.” (When asked if Columbia journalism and international affairs students have ever engaged in scholarship, she had no comment.) She continued, “We have erected therapy tent encampments throughout the grounds so that students will have a safe space free of Zionists, to process, heal, and reflect.

Photo Credit lc3105 from Pixabay

Additionally, Hamilton Hall will be renamed the Haniyeh Memorial Hall and will be open for students who need a special space to barricade and pillage. (All meals will be delivered to those on a meal plan.)

The university has set up a GoFundMe account to help assist with the perished billionaire’s funeral expenses. Students that were arrested for their violent and destructive behavior during the spring protests were welcomed back to campus and given leadership positions per Haniyeh’s recently scrawled out will.

Fellow Hamas leader, Yahya Sinwar, was reticent but able to say a few words. “Izzy did not take his time for granted. He knew that things can change in a flash. We wanted to let the Columbia student body know that we did receive their sympathy kitty from Build-a-Bear, all of the crayola colored sympathy notes on construction paper cut into hearts, and the Dubble Bubble Berry Blast Gumballs from Dylan’s Candy Bar. Our apartment in Tehran is sufficiently bedazzled like a Hobby Lobby.  Additionally, we hope to rekindle our special pen pal relationship with them soon and hear more about why they want to be just like us when they grow up.”

The (remaining) Hamas leaders will be flying in for Ismail’s celebration of life service at the Columbia chapel. Information about parking and hotel shares will be released shortly. All are encouraged to book early as spaces fill up quickly. In lieu of funeral cost donations, the Hamas family is requesting that funds be directed towards any camping gear store.