Cotton’s Follow-Up

On Monday, March 9, 2015, with nine weeks of United States Senate experience, Tom Cotton (R-AR) wrote and had 46 republican senate colleagues sign a letter addressed to the Leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran. Thought to be lost to history was the senator’s’follow-up letter. Surprisingly found on Rep. Trey Gowdy’s (R-SC-4th) personal e-mail server we present the full text below:

Dear Leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran Seyyed,

My cab driver the other day had the same name as you, which reminded me I needed to follow up with you. I trust you received my open letter on March 9 regarding the negotiations between your country and ours about your nuclear capabilities. Despite repeated entreaties, I have received no response to said letter.

I recently learned that my country, the United States of America, imposed sanctions against the Islamic Republic, I fear that those tough sanctions may impact the mail as well. Perhaps this is why you have not responded? However, I am in receipt of a lengthy complicated and potentially coded response from your Minister of Mailer Daemon. I worry that something may have been lost in the translation, as I did not understand how it related to my letter. Nonetheless, I hope he and his family are well.

Importantly, did you receive the puppy? His name is Otto, which is short for Otto von Bizmark von Snuffypants. He likes hot dogs and to be scratched on his belly.

The good news is I have become a meme, the first step towards the White House for any senator. Once there, I will be in a far better position to help you undercut any diplomatic solution to your country’s nuclear program. Additionally, as you are no doubt aware, ensuring our fellow hardliners remain in power is mutually advantageous. The more your country’s hardliners can do to stop this unconscionable prevention of war between our countries, the better it will be to each of our political futures.

This is why the concessions your government granted in the negotiations have me so troubled. This show of accountability severely undercuts my position that you are untrustworthy. This aggressive display of responsibility is frankly irresponsible. The more the Islamic Republic of Iran grants unannounced inspections and constant monitoring, the more your country moves away from being able to build the materials necessary to make a nuclear weapon, the less I am able to make the case that this nuclear agreement makes us less safe. What gives?

As you have no doubt heard, I have done my part in pushing for the “short” war to ensure that television audiences are not bored as happened in other recent middle eastern conflicts. Recently, my colleague Sen. Ted Cruz, suggested that a war with your country could last an entire weekend, or perhaps a week. I thought I would take this opportunity to run this by you to ascertain whether this seems reasonable to you.

I am also writing to follow up on certain points that have recently drawn my attention. I have been particularly concerned about statements that “our” secretary of state has said that contradict the information coming from your government. I worry that Mr. Kerry is not coordinating his messaging properly with your mullahs. Perhaps you could make sure to send him talking points. Although, as I hope my letter made clear, members of this particular administration should cede all power to the congress.

Finally, I have been searching Amazon Prime and Netflix for The Logan Act, but all I am finding is Logan’s Run perhaps in your reply you can send a copy.

I trust you had a Happy Easter, or as my Jewish friends call it, “Passover.” By the way, what do your people call Easter in Iran?

Yours sincerely,
Tom C.

PS: If you do issue a fatwa, please mention me. It would look good in the Harvard Law alumni newsletter and on my Facebook fan page, “The Cotton Candies.”

PPS: I recently dined at a Persian restaurant where I had a particularly tasty dinner of mutton and rice. Despite my repeated requests, the restaurant has proven unwilling to share the recipe for this dish, is secrecy a cultural norm in Iran? My wife has proven thus far unequal to the task of recreating it in our kitchen. Do you think you could help me out with this? Also, apologies if I offended you. I am unsure whether “Persian” is considered offensive in your culture, too. Also, “mutton.”

This opinion piece was jointly written by Elie Jacobs, Frank Spring and Jason Stanford…beer was involved.