Dealing with high-conflict people

A lot has been written and said about dealing with high-conflict people, i.e. the ones who are like energy vampires and love conflict because they are addicted to that adrenaline rush. Yes, there are people like that, even though some of you might be surprised by it. Mind you, just because someone gets angry every now and then doesn’t make him or her a high-conflict person. Labeling people we dislike as ”difficult people” is a tempting prospect, too, but I’m talking about someone who is on the lookout for conflict over anything – from big to small things.

As soon as they walk into a room where a meeting or a gathering of some kind is taking place, everyone exchanges glances. ”Here we go,” is what goes through people’s minds These people are trouble and all the people taking part in the meeting know it.

Knowing how to deal with them is particularly relevant during the holidays and celebrations such as Passover, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and many more. Any time a group of people who normally don’t interact that much gather together or are bound by a professional relationship or any relationship involving official or unofficial hierarchies (that’s most meetings and relationships). As you can see, it’s virtually impossible to avoid dealing with high-conflict people altogether. You are going to come across one somewhere, eventually, and if you aren’t prepared or don’t know who you’re dealing with, you’re either going to be shellshocked or respond in kind – justifiably so – but this can lead to a dangerous escalation.

There will always be someone during the gathering of, say, ten people or more who is going to try winding people up. A cantankerous old man of an uncle, and so on. Why? Who knows. The reason doesn’t need to be logical. Don’t look for logic where there might be none. Don’t look for reason where there might be none. All you can do is either ignore their attempts to make you mad, turn what they are doing into a joke but don’t be too abrasive because it’s just going to give them more fuel for conflict or change the topic as soon as they start their little jabs. Turn to someone else who isn’t as conflict-prone and strike a conversation with them. It’s a good idea to walk out of a room if nothing else works. Any excuse will do – getting more food, bringing more plates, whatever works.

People don’t necessarily see the world the way you do. It’s a trap most of us fall into: I wouldn’t do that, so no one else would. Not so. We all have different backgrounds, different universes in our minds, even if it seems we’re from the same background, we still differ in some ways. What is anathema to you may be perfectly normal behavior to someone else.

You can, of course, confront such a person head-on. In some cases, they will back down and leave you alone but a really pesky HCP is just going to keep at it, even if it ends badly for them. Some of these people are like drug addicts, they can’t stop even if it puts them in peril. You need to be the smarter party in this case and walk away.

Women, in particular, are often targeted by these people. Mansplaining is just one of many ways high-conflict individuals are going to use to get on your nerves. Women, too, can mansplain. Don’t let the name mansplaining fool you. Some people mansplain because they truly believe you can’t possibly know a lot about any topic as a woman; you’re like a damsel in distress and they’re the white knight here to save you. Some mansplain, even though they know perfectly well you know much more about the topic at hand than they do. These people are never going to tell you that, of course. They mansplain because they want to make you mad. That simple.

As annoying and as demeaning as it is, sometimes it’s best to dumb yourself down. Even if you know the topic the HCP talks about way better than they ever will, sometimes it’s best to pretend to be in awe of their knowledge. Even that doesn’t guarantee the high-conflict person getting off your back, there are no guarantees, but ego-stroking and a carefully-crafted and timed compliment tend to work wonders.