Dear G_d, I used to believe in You

Dear G_d,

I used to believe in You. I used to believe in You from the bottom of my heart, which is now broken. It’s broken for those brutalized and murdered in the current war in the Middle East including Jews, Muslims, Christians, Buddhists, believers, non-believers, non-human beings – anyone with a pulse.

My heart is broken for those in captivity and their loved ones, who can only hope and pray they’re alive. It’s broken for all the hearts that have ever stopped beating because of war. Brothers and sisters who couldn’t peacefully settle their score – Cain and Abel, et al. From the dawn of time, one abusive family lineage. All those hearts, too many to count, could fill an ocean.

Dear, dear G_d. When I was little, I believed in you in a fairytale-like way, like I imagine the children of Christendom who believe in Santa Claus. I believed in you with my right hand over my heart in my grade school classroom in Flushing, New York. Before I could even read, I repeated after my teacher that we’re one nation, under You. When we recited our Pledge of Allegiance, I took for granted the “liberty and justice for all” part.

I assumed that was the same for everyone, everywhere. I never imagined that billions of people believed in You to the point of killing their brothers and sisters and children, and even themselves, in Your name. Even today, many mutilate their daughters’ in rituals in Your name. Some take the lives of their sisters who’ve been raped and call that honor killings, also in Your name – while the rapists go free.

Oh, say can you see, that not all people enjoy liberty and justice? I’ve never really appreciated liberty and justice myself. They’ve just been at the surface of the sea that I’ve seen. Who sees the hearts that have sunk to the bottom, not just the ones that float to the surface and are projected from our squawk boxes? Loved ones mainly.

I’m not blaming You, but if You’re omnipotent, why do children in some parts of the world learn to hate and even bear arms, bigger than their own, to destroy “the enemy”? Why does disagreeing with authorities, not believing in their interpretation of their religion, often result in severe punishment, even death? Why can’t You forbid that, stop that? If You actually created this universe, parted the Red Sea, and even gave us little miracles like latkes, why can’t you stop the homicidal nature of humans?

Who can keep track of so much suffering, tragedy, and preventable loss? We can grasp the story of one brother or sister, but that blurs when the story is of millions – like the six million of my own grand-uncles and aunts, stripped of all humanity and murdered in the Holocaust. The magnitude of those numbers is weirdly easy to dismiss, ignore. Yet, it’s curious that so many arguments defending terror turn on the Jews by playing the Holocaust or genocide card. Good Lord, what a vicious card trick!

I was born a Jew. Yet, I don’t care about religion – but I do care that everyone should be able to believe in whatever they want, as long as it doesn’t harm others. Was that a yawn or just the passing of some wind? O. I left out the “o” from Your name because Your real name remains elusive and I want to show respect – just in case You’re real in any of the countless ways people interpret the words that other mortals wrote yet ascribe to You. Mainly, I want to show respect to Your believers. Is that another yawn? Yo, Yahweh. Or should I call you Allah? Or I could bow to Vishnu. Or sit with Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction, that’s also the name of a Jewish mourning ritual.

G…G…Gawd, I went to college to elevate myself in society – to learn something and give back. If I were a college student now, I wonder what I’d believe. Would I try to fit in because I believed that certain oppressors gazillion miles away have oppressed certain victims? Would I believe the hypnotic buzz on campus? Would I cave to peer pressure to yell from a certain tent that my own family should be annihilated? Would the prevailing self-described great arbiters of human rights convince me that their opinions are fact? Would I brand multicultural victims of rape and torture white-skinned oppressors – and when they claim they’ve been violated, call them liars? And would I advocate pushing them into the sea?

How many generations count as indigenous? Why does that matter? Why is the Cyclops of public opinion fixated on one place, a tiny democracy in the Middle East? Why is it blind to the millions of enslaved, tortured, and murdered who aren’t the cause de jour, and worse, are vilified?

Good G_d, really? What do you believe? If you’re a source of eternal love, then how can you allow people to harm one another? Many of your believers absolve you of guilt, instead blaming humans they call colonizers. So much noise in my head right now, but at least I don’t have to cover my head. At least I’m not a human shield. At least I have plenty to eat and fresh water to drink and don’t rely on kleptocrats who steal those lifelines and would destroy me if they found out I didn’t believe in You.

Do You believe me? Do You believe in me? Do You believe in my people? Do you believe those who say they were sexually violated? How about those who want to force us to believe what they believe? Which ones are in your image?

I wish we lived in a world in which we could all accept who we are and welcome others to do the same. Stemming from that acceptance, we could all express ourselves freely – and without harming one another. We could agree on some things and disagree about others. Or even disagree about everything and still co-exist. Peacefully. Will you judge me if I admit that I don’t care whose land it was 76 years ago or a thousand or several million, or way before your uber-famous Son? Where do we start counting? Who counts? Do I count?

OMG, along with today’s viral tweets and memes and news cycles, coupled with the fury on campuses, we’re obsessed with the Middle East. Why not blame the Jews, who’ve been attacked and whose brothers and sisters are still hostages? Why not blame the Jews for fighting back?

Please live up to the name Savior, and let my people go. Let their people go. Expand the tunnel vision – and acknowledge the gravity that that’s where munitions and hostages are hidden.

If You are really omnipotent, stop the leaders of those positioning themselves as oppressed from putting their people in harm’s way. We’re all descended from Neanderthals. Have we learned nothing for millions of years?

G_d, almighty, blessed be He, or She, or They. I feel blessed that I don’t have to believe in You. What I believe is as deep as the ocean. Show me my desire for peace isn’t a pie in the sky. If you really exist, would you make that happen and send me a sign? Even a hidden miracle uniting humanity into a family that values life more than death? Then, I’ll believe in you.