With the High Holy Days around the corner, I just can’t wait for Yom Kippur to begin atoning. As you recently proclaimed, Jews who vote Democratic are “disloyal.” Well, I hope you will find a way to forgive me, for I have been disloyal—very disloyal.
When you said “the only people I want counting my money are short guys in yarmulkes,” I should have been flattered, not insulted. And when you declared that Israel should repay all the foreign aid it received from the United States, I should have responded with praise instead of bewilderment.
When you defended the white supremacists in Charlottesville who re-enacted the pogroms our ancestors suffered, instead of being horrified, I should have been comforted by your magnanimity toward the “very fine people on both sides.” And when you instituted your “Muslim ban,” I shouldn’t have given a single thought to the many times Jews have been banned from other countries.
And when you ran ads lambasting Janet Yellen and George Soros as “globalists,” I never should have worried you were buying in to anti-Semitic tropes. Remember those Twitter memes that superimposed a Jewish star over a pile of money? That was just your special way of showing us respect, I now realize.
After all, anti-Semitism only exists on the left! Sebastian Gorka, your White House adviser, said as much recently. (And he should know—his father was a Nazi collaborator, so he must be an expert in protecting Jews from anti-Semitism).
As you can see, I have a lot of “disloyalty” to atone for. And I’m hardly alone, as the polls consistently show that more than 70 percent of Jewish Americans intend to cast their ballots next year for a Democratic presidential candidate. But with your great record and your unparalleled ability to connect with the American Jewish community, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about.