Problem solved: The Haredi path to military service

Over the course of Jewish history, there has never been a topic more divisive, more incendiary, or more controversial than the Haredi enlistment issue. This hot-button topic has taken on biblical proportions as an incredible catalyst for generating hitherto-unseen rhetoric in a people known for their rhetoric. The issue threatens to topple governments, end the careers of lifelong politicians, and tear apart families and communities and that is just in the past few weeks.

At its core the debate over the draft is not just about policy, it is a battle over identity, values and ultimately the soul of the nation grappling with its obligation to both faith and survival. The crux of this problem is that there is no room for compromise, both sides have a valid position and grievance based on fundamental rights, legal precedents and strongly held beliefs, that neither side is willing to sacrifice.

This would seem to be one of those conflicts into which no one in their right mind would wade to even attempt to reconcile the square peg with a round hole, which is why I can safely say that I have an unimpeachable means of resolving this lit stick of dynamite that is so ingenious that both sides will rush to claim it as their own.

I am going to skip over any introductions to the two sides here as there is no benefit in litigating the positions once again as has been done already ad nauseam. The solution is as elegant as it is simple, abolish the military draft. I can hear the audible gasps of shock as you reread the sentence and exclaim, “he can’t really mean that, has he lost his mind?” I do and I have not, I am not advocating abolishing the draft in its entirety, just the military one. We will replace this with an entirely new draft, and this is the coup de grace, all 18-year-olds will be drafted into compulsory Yeshiva attendance. The only means of avoiding the Yeshiva draft is by volunteering for the army.

All facilities and infrastructure of the current army will be converted into yeshivas and will be jointly run by the Rabbis and the military. Official mandated uniforms including white shirts, dark jackets and black hats will be issued. Basic training will be tailored to your specific level of religious observance but will involve hands-on training in such topics as Tefillin, Kashrut and Sabbath, before moving on to the intricacies of full-time Talmud study. Learning how to choose an Esrog, where to find the best Matzos, and the optimal time, and place for Chanukkah lighting, will be an integral part of the curriculum. Before you shout your objections based on turning Israel into a theocracy, remember that there is a perfectly reasonable means for avoiding the draft by joining the army.

Infractions such as coming late to Shachris, missing First Seder, or failing a state-mandated test on the entirety of the Mesechta you are currently learning will result in a court martial. Not being able to identify the different opinions of various sages and commentaries, and how they reconcile, will result in a court martial. Eating milky within six hours of meaty (unless you can substantiate direct Dutch ancestry, in which case three hours will suffice) will result in a court martial. You get the idea.

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Imagine the bonhomie that will be engendered between the youth of our nation as they embark on a spiritual journey together. We will be a religious powerhouse and a light amongst the nations. This will also have an added economic benefit for the Tefillin and Seforim industry that is often a neglected niche sector of our economy.

The real magic in this genius plan is that I can personally guarantee that you will see a marked increase in the number of military recruits in the very first year and then a steady increase for years to come.

As someone who has survived the Yeshiva system, I can tell you firsthand that there are days when serving on the frontlines can be a very appealing alternative. I am not God forbid complaining about my years in full-time Torah study, but rather letting you know that it is not as much fun as “Shtisel” might lead you to believe. It is long hard days of cerebral exhaustion, arguing delicate nuance and following a regimented lifestyle with little room for color or variation. Opting for military service will be the easy way out for some and that includes many of my Haredi brethren.

The Rabbis who have been advocating against the draft, will have the rug pulled out from under them with no ability to object to this pyrrhic victory. The politicians on the other side of this debate, will be flabbergasted by the increased numbers of new recruits who will now be joining the army voluntarily of their own free will. This might be the greatest win-win scenario ever, everyone gets what they want without any need for losing face. And so, with one masterstroke we can achieve, peace, unity and perhaps settle the age-old debate about what is harder, Talmud or trenches?