Don’t Cry Alone: Honking Loudly, Suffering Silently

Did you ever think if superman thought about all the evil he saw, before he saved the day? Perhaps you were distracted by his red speedo and why the choice was to wear them over his tights, instead of under. And yes, he was also wearing tights. But I digress.

Superheroes are mostly made up. They have capes and underwear costumes, and while they still may have normal daddy issues, we are made to believe they are not real. When you grow up and you live through injustices and violence, you quickly learn that superman is just fiction, no one in a cape is going to save us. But over time you also learn that there are everyday heroes who do exist.

They don’t wear underwear (or speedo, I really don’t know the exact article of clothing it’s supposed to be). They walk among us. And when there is injustice or violence, they make the choice to rise to the occasion. But what happens after they win the battle? Surely they have PTSD that haunts them night after night and throughout their waking moments during the day.

Police First Sgt. Igor Pibenev flew to the scene of October 7th like a modern-day superhero. No cape or special powers, he was able to kill over a dozen terrorists. But like many of us that bore witness to the atrocities of October 7th, whether in-person, in your bomb shelter somewhere in Israel, or glued to your social media somewhere else in the world, it’s hard to process the evil and violent truth that struck humanity that day.

First Sgt. Igor Pibenev gives an interview to the police spokesperson’s unit on January 5, 2024. (Israel Police)

Igor took his own life this week, a year and a half after that fateful day. His wife broke the news on social media, reaching out to the community and reminding us that there are “silent victims of October 7th,” referring to those struggling with survivor’s guilt and PTSD following the massacre.

I don’t pretend to know Igor, what he felt, or understand his suffering. I just know that there are many like him. With the ongoing war, we have experienced, not only tragedy day in and day out, but frustration; whether it is our partner called up for reserves for months at a time, the economic instability, inflation or particularly this week, with avocados over nis16 a kilo (seriously, I can’t be the only one that noticed!).

I see frustrated people all around me. I am a frustrated person. There’s more honking and yelling. It’s not just chutzpah. It’s trying to live every day when we feel like the world around us is dying. Sometimes that pain is too heavy…even for a hero to hold.

Igor’s wife asks us to take action if we know people who carry this heavy weight, we should “turn the world upside down to make sure they get professional help and proper treatment. Don’t try to save them by yourselves.”

She echoes the same words that Israel’s Eurovision contestant Yuval Raphael sings in her ballad “New Day Will Rise.”
Everyone cries
Don’t cry alone
Darkness will fade
All the pain will go by
But we will stay
Even if you say goodbye

Raphael, an October 7th survivor, faked her death in order to stay alive. She openly shares her chilling account of holding hands with a girl she realized was shot and killed, while being buried by the bodies of other young people who lay lifeless, having unknowingly had their final dance just minutes before. Hiding in a bomb shelter, she witnessed terrorists shooting the young men and women who had come to dance in freedom at the Nova Music Festival, ending up trapped by terror. That pain can be heard in her voice as she belts out “I choose the light..Nothing to lose if I lose you.”

I know it is cheesy for me to say, but she has already won. Maybe not Eurovision (yet), but finding a way to get through it and reminding us, just like Igor’s wife encourages, to not cry alone. While she may have faked her death that horrifying day, there is nothing fake about her strength as she faces angry mobs protesting Israel, spewing the same vile hatred that she experienced in that bomb shelter.

It is beautiful to see someone in their authenticity, living their dreams and pursuing life. The song represents light in the darkness. And to me, it is the honesty that pokes holes in the pseudo-reality we seem to live in. Raphael sings for all of us living, those who were massacred, families still in pain, and the heroes among us who suffer in silence.

I wish Igor didn’t cry alone. Because everyone cries. He was a hero who walked among us. There are many like him. Heroes. In pain. Honking loudly, suffering silently. We know them. We might be them. In a world that already feels upside down, let’s keep turning until we find a way to wear our underwear on the outside and our feelings too. So we can be Igor and Raphael and all the people of Israel, together.