Endings and Beginnings

The past two years have been ones of incredible loss for me.    Barely off the trauma of covid, revelling in a new freedom (after recognizing how a government could suddenly strip us of our choices)  October 7th happened.

I am Jewish and very proud of my heritage but there’s always been a sort of “I’m different” feel to my existence.  I had never experienced any outrageous antisemitism- just small bouts of  inappropriate commentary I chose to see as ignorance.  One thing I have learned in life is that people who belittle others are honestly exuding how they feel about themselves.  In other words, people who bully are fairly sad and or angry people.

I often think about my father teaching me this far too complicated phrase at age seven, “I take it from whence it emanates and attribute it to the distortions of a diseased mind. “   Wow!  I thought it sounded super smart at the time… the true relevance of this comment is more resonant for me today.

October 7th brought me to my knees.  My cultural heritage went far deeper than I knew.  I literally had a physical reaction to what I was hearing and seeing. It was terrifying.  What became even more horrifying was the way the legacy media began reporting, painting Israel as the bad guys. Then followed the eruption of a deep seeded antisemitism throughout the world.  As much as I’ve been able to take it from whence it emanates, admittedly, my world has still been rocked and not in a good way.  I saw lies being spread- there was no occupation- Israelis left Gaza in 2005.  There was no genocide- it was war.  If Israel wanted to annihilate this race they could have done it in a few hours.  Logical things for me- tunnels, terrorists hiding behind civilians- a sick ideology- all supporting Israel’s right to fight back were suddenly being twisted and way too many people were  eagerly believing propaganda and lies.

I won’t go into this further because I have done so many times in my past writing.  What really affected me the most were people I considered friends  supporting the blood libels being propagated by the mainstream media. These friends would not take the time to ask me what I knew, ask me how I felt…I lost many friends. Honestly I’ve had to ask myself, were they really true friendships?

That’s a tough one.

On the other hand I have friends I feel so blessed to hold close, that have understood exactly what was going on.  They could see through the twisted rhetoric  and I thank God every day for these friendships.

I lost a sense of believing in the goodness of the world.  I mean when people are being so good in their minds but are completely closed off to see things differently- is that really goodness? Women who professed to be advocates for brutality to women virtually ignoring the horrific reports of rape and dismemberment that occurred on this day of brutal attack by Hamas.

I’m not sure I really even understand so many people, I just know my gratitude for those who have taken the time to really research and learn of the geo-politics in the middle east has been tremendous.

I have lost a side of me that has, in the past, felt light-hearted and willing to share my ideas and thoughts. It’s been replaced by a heaviness.

A lot more has been happening in my life-especially this past year- stresses upon stresses and with these stresses has come emotional eating. I have gained more weight than I feel comfortable with.

As the world spun out of control, so it seems did my eating.  Meet Carbs, and Sugar, my new best friends.  Sometimes our addictions feel like friends.  Many years ago I felt smoking was my friend. It helped me ease my anxiety- somehow provided a moment of pleasure and quiet- until I understood long term this was no friend. When I quit though, I thanked my addiction for helping me through tough times and then let it go.   I have beaten addiction before and I know I can do it again.  I will do it out of love for my life and my health.

I’m still hopeful. Somewhere in the deepest part of my soul, I truly believe that when bad things happen they often lead to new openings,  better things.   Like my divorce for example. At the time, It was difficult to make any sense of it.  I was hesitant to become involved again but my persistent husband eventually won my heart and I came to know how it feels to be truly, unconditionally loved.

In spite of hardships, Life still is amazing for me. I suppose it is my absolute belief that we grow from every negative experience. We become clearer about what we want in this life and begin to shape our experiences towards our vision.

Even in this time, though I have lost certain dreams- I look forward to what creative endeavours await in the wings.

For 2026 I have some hopes.  Not resolutions, just hopes.

I hope to write more songs, perform more music and feel less afraid.

I hope to breath a bit easier, make friends with and perhaps release a couple of addictions.

I look forward to building friendships but also spending quality time with myself

I hope to get better at being patient and going with the flow.

I look forward to to being inspired to be my sparkly best

I hope 2026 is a year we can all breathe a bit easier, a year we recognize we all have our shadow side and maybe we can look in the mirror and own what we might be projecting onto others. And then grab our most sparkly outfits and shine brightly with our warts and all.