HalacHUH? Part 1: A Breakdown of Judaism’s Most Puzzling Rules

In this new subseries to my America’s Rebbitzman content, I, your faithful Rebbitzman, will be addressing some of the most widely argued and bizarre decisions of our faith. Now, it is important to remember that in bringing you these groundbreaking observations and pseudo-scholarly interpretations, I have consulted no rabbis, done no research, and asked for no second opinions. However, much like the early mystics, I have consumed a lot of coffee. What is written below is simply a projection of the divine through my own firing synapses. If you should choose to follow these humble thoughts as if they were part of some future pillar of Judaism called the Talmud Rebbitzmani, I would find it difficult to argue with that decision…though most others definitely will.

HalacHUH Part 1: Chicken and Dairy

Once, as a child in religious school, the question was posed: “Why can’t you eat chicken with dairy?” One peer confidently raised their hand and proclaimed, “because you can’t cook a chicken in its mother’s milk!” While the rest of us laughed, the morah gave them a chance to catch up with the rest of us.

Milking a chicken is incredibly difficult and rather torturous for the animal. It is why, in 1984, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) successfully argued before the US Supreme Court to make chicken milk illegal. The case, PETA V. The American Association of Chicken Milkers, made headlines across the country. It is also what directly led to cow’s milk being the preferred milk to accompany a bowl of Cheerios. Not surprisingly, PETA still considered this a loss.

Now we all know that to properly milk a chicken it takes complex machinery, applied physics, and what chicken milkers often referred to as “the touch,” but most of that was not available during ancient times, so why then, we must ask, did the rabbis feel the need to include this rule in the annals of Kashrut?

The rabbis’ decision around forbidding chicken with dairy is what is known as putting a fence around the Torah. The rabbis, in an act of hypervigilence, didn’t want someone to accidentally confuse cow or lamb meat with chicken meat and inadvertently break kashrut with an accidental glass of mother’s milk. The problem with putting a fence around the Torah on this particular matter is that chickens are notorious for their ability to get through fences. Charles Barnard didn’t invent Chicken Wire until 1844, so what were the rabbis really thinking here?

Here is where a true revelation comes into play. Jews were the first people in history to claim that everything tastes like chicken! Which is particularly interesting because we aren’t allowed to taste most things, and the things we can taste most definitely don’t taste like chicken. No one has ever had a brisket and wondered where the wings were. It turns out that they based this decision on a passage from Exodus: Book 43, Chapter 8, which I have paraphrased below:

And so upon receiving the Torah, the people of Israel rejoiced. However, one child from the tribe of Zebulun, sat confused. It was Mariah, the daughter of Bernard, son of Malmud, son of Josephius, son of Billy, who, in her rebellious curiosity, demanded unkosher things for the daily manna to taste like. And the lord, following the newly instituted laws of Kashrut, looked down upon this child as she requested Shrimp Cocktail manna, McDonald’s Manna, and Tako Nigiri octopus roll manna, and spoke unto the tents of Moshe to say this was not good. With this, Eliab, son of Helon, and leader of the Zebulun tribe, went forth to Bernard and said: “Hey, what’s up with your kid?” After a harsh speaking to, and with much threat of stoning, Mariah agreed to order chicken fingers next time, as they were her favorite.

But, much like the seas of Noah, Mariah’s curiosity did not relent, and she switched her tactics to asking questions. If she cameth across a food that was forbidden, she would promptly ask, “What does that taste like?” At first, Bernard and his wife Bethezulah, would simply say “I don’t know,” but it did not sit well with the child, so she continued to ask. Then they would answer her with fantastical answers like, “Mountain lion tastes like the sand and the dirt with which you tample your feet upon each day.” They wanted to make no, unkosher food seem appealing, but this too did not satiate Mariah’s inquisitive mind. Finally, as most exhausted parents do, they gave up and provided the most convenient answer, “It tastes like Chicken.” Upon hearing this, Mariah smiled, for she knew it was good.  She then shared this new wisdom with all of her friends. By the time the Israelites entered Canaan, it was common knowledge that if you never ate something, chances are it tasted like chicken.

So prolific was this impact that even the rabbis believed that anything not Kosher tasted like chicken. They knew they had to do something about it. Why, they themselves may have inadvertently consumed a ribeye steak, thinking it was chicken! What would have happened if they had asked for some cheese on it? This was clearly an unacceptable, and very real risk the Jewish people faced, and so they had to do the only thing they could do: forbid the consumption of chicken with dairy.

Of course today, we know that not everything tastes like chicken, and we have the technology available to clearly distinguish between what is chicken and what is Llama meat, so perhaps it is time to update the laws to better reflect our modern capabilities in meat distinguishing.

What do you think? Should we put Chicken Parmesan back on the menu? Are there other HalacHUH? moments you wish America’s Rebbitzman dives into? If so, let me know in the comments.