Happy New Year for us Heebs…

Happy New Year, or for us Heebs

Happy Jew Year… (I can say this since I am Jewish).

It is now the beginning of the New Year if you are Jewish. In reality, I celebrate two New Year’s, one Jewish, and one Christian.

I really don’t’ celebrate the Christian New Year as much. I think that cheese balls were invented for New Year’s Day. What the hell is a cheese ball anyway? I just drink, eat, and watch football games, as light is dropped in front of a million crazy people putting a notch on their bucket list, freezing their collective tushies off in Times Square NYC.

The Jewish New Year, however, is a bit more work. No football games (unless Rosh Hashanah falls on a weekend. We usually eat apples and honey to symbolize having a sweet New Year. Then we go to our temples or Shuls to pray and hear the sounding of the shofar.

We as Jews are supposed to think about the sins that we have made in the past year. One of the traditions is that we throw bread into the water to cast off our sins. It is called Tashlich.

Throwing bread into the water also means we will be eating less bread which I think is a real positive.

Called the days of awe, the time between Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur determines whether you will be inscribed in the book of life which I would assume is a pretty big book by now.

Rosh Hashanah is a happy holiday filled with the promise of a New Year. Yom Kippur is a somber holiday filled with recriminations, confessions of sin, and generally the ability to look back and examine one’s life.

The confession prayer, where we admit our sins, is called Al Chet.

I started to look at the sins that I have to repent for. When I told my wife that I was going to write about my sins in the past year, she said that it would be more significant than war and peace. I am not overly religious, I am a “reformed conservadox,” meaning that I love all facets of Judaism but have not really settled on one. In other words, I am confused.

I am not a Talmudic scholar, so I am warning you if you read this that I will make mistakes (does that count as a sin ?). I have lots of questions, as well.
1. When is the last day that we can sin? Like any good accountant (which I am not one) I would like to know the following.

A. Can we throw some sins into the next year or does it all count for this year?

B. Does this conform to GAP or God’s approved procedures?

C. If I am thinking about a potential sin this year, do I count it when I am thinking about it, or when, or if I actually commit it? I would assume that this would go to the question of intent (double points here, against)?

D. Are we given a specific allowance for a percentage of sins that we commit to getting into the book, or is it just “pass, fail”?

E. How does God “grade” these, are they on a community curve? If so, did Bernie Madoff lower the curve for all of us?

I have been reading up on some of the sins that count. I have come to the conclusion that it isn’t easy being a Jew. I can understand why Christianity wanted to “reform” this. When someone says “hey peeps, I will handle the sin part you guys just live,” it kind of sounds appealing. OK for the record I am not saying I am going to do this. How much of a sin is it to even talking about it? After all, it is a lot of work keeping up with 613 commandments. I always wondered why they couldn’t just boil down the sins into …

For that reason alone, I cannot list all of the sins here, so I will take out some highlights that I need to address during services. These are direct quotes from the prayer book that I need some clarification on.

1. For the sin, which we have committed before you, under duress or willingly:
Does this mean that the speeding tickets that I got would fall under this? If so, I plead guilty. Duress is also in the eyes of the beholder. I am often late everywhere, it is a problem, believe me, so I have to weigh speeding to get there, or risk the wrath of my wife, or friends, who will torture me because of my lateness.

2. And for the sin, which we have committed before you through speech:
This one is a bit hard because I have said a lot of things about Hillary this year. The question here is TRUTH a defense for my “speech”? If not I am in big trouble, and will have to throw entire loaves of bread into the water during Tashlich.

3. And for the sin, which we have committed before You by improper thoughts:
This is trouble for me to believe me. I have a warped mind with a warped sense of humor. I think that it would go to the Supreme Court for interpretation of what is an improper thought. Is just the thought about what is an improper thought count as an improper thought?

4. And for the sin, which we have committed before you by verbal [insincere] confession:

I am fine with this, but there are a lot of celebrities and famous people that would definitely burn for this one. How many times have we said I am sorry and really didn’t mean it, it was taken out of context….? Shhhhhh don’t show this to my wife ☺

5. For the sin, which we have committed before You by disrespect for parents and teachers. Is there a statute of limitations on this one?
If so I am in big trouble. Both of my parents have passed away, but I have many, many years of not being too helpful to teachers. Let’s just say that many prematurely retired after having me as a student. I just finished writing a book on that subject, so it is now fresh in my mind.

6. For the sin, which we have committed before You by the impurity of speech:
As a former Long Islander, this one hurts. I think that there is something in the water there that made us all use curse words, so I will be throwing entire loaves of bread into the f………………..n water.

7. And for the sin which we have committed before You by eating and drinking:

Busted: I love to eat, and I love wine. I am a social drinker, whatever that means. At what point does this sin kick in? I would assume probably breakfast buffets put me over the top. I am going with protein shakes now for breakfast, hope this helps. The question here is, does God consider each time this happens, or in the aggregate? I am hoping for the latter or ………………another 2 loaves although there may be one only making it (sounds of eating).

8. And for the sin which we have committed before You by a haughty demeanor
Definitions of haughty on the Web:
Disdainful: having or showing arrogant superiority to and disdain of those one views as unworthy; Well the name of my column is “You are entitled to my opinion “so it is tough to get by that one. 8 loaves of bread here.

9. And for the sin, we have committed before you in passing judgment.
Busted once again, but as I said earlier is TRUTH A DEFENSE? If not, then I will be putting a truckload of bread for just what I said about Democrats and former President Obama on this one.

10. And for the sins for which we are obligated to bring a burnt-offering.”
Anybody who has eaten my steaks from the barbeque knows that I am covered here.

11. For the sin of not believing Jimmy Carter for his pronouncement of an Al Chet for the way that he treats Jews, and Israel. Sorry, Jimmy, I am pretty confident that I will win this one.
This is the condensed version here. If you all see me hauling a U-Haul full of bread you now will know why.

12. Finally, for the sin of bad spelling and grammar. BUSTED:. OK, I made that one up ( is that a sin? ) Never understood why they don’t spell phonetic fo net ikt lee.

Have a healthy and Happy New Year

From Larry Levine

Delivery for Larry Levine

Happy New Year