Holidays through the Mediator’s Lens: Passover

This week I take a break from the usual Parasha and concentrate on the holiday of Passover. While the Passover story was actually told through the Torah portions of Shemot, Va’era, and Bo (back in January), we celebrate the holiday in April (and sometimes March). Since I spent considerable time on the Passover story itself, I will take this chance to discuss other conflicts surrounding Passover (and probably applicable to Easter as well), and how we, as humans in the 21st century, deal with conflict when it comes to celebrating holidays.

We all have traditions that we grow with for holidays; whether it’s certain foods, special invites, or religious. As we build families, traditions change and doing so can lead to the complexity that is familial disputes (as discussed in Miketz and Vayechi). We marry into new families, we have children, we grow ever-so-slightly apart from our birth family, and yet, may have the strong desire to stay close to what was always important to us as children. Thus, we create both internal and external conflicts.

Internal Conflicts and the Holidays

I grew up where we were always with my mother’s side of the family during Passover. My grandfather, who escaped Germany in 1938, always led the Seders with a focus on tradition and passion for the songs. While food was never an afterthought, the telling of the story was clearly the most important part. Unfortunately, my grandfather passed away on the first night of Passover. This event made me more passionate about the holiday and feel the importance of being with my family every year. I still have that feeling today.

However, this creates internal conflict as priorities change and families grow. I have lived 2.5+ hours from my family since moving to Philadelphia in 2013. My wife and I have hosted Passover nearly every year since 2015. Every time my family doesn’t come to Philadelphia, I have an internal struggle because my grandfather’s favorite holiday was Passover and we all have a shared love for him. I, internally, feel we are letting him down every time we are not together.

I used to argue with my family about this, creating an inherent conflict every Passover. As I have grown as a mediator though, I’ve let go of that internal conflict and accept their decisions. As we internally resolve conflict, we can still be disappointed in an outcome while accepting the resolution.

External Conflict

Meanwhile, big holidays still bring external conflicts when everyone has their traditions and people feel slighted when their traditions are not honored. Every year I make my mother’s lamb and my grandmother’s charoset. Every year my mother (or sister) makes a flourless chocolate roll with a non-dairy crème inside. My mother-in-law always makes a Sephardi charoset and tri-colored matza balls. My wife and I have added many new traditions for food as well. However, as families grow and traditions change, certain foods may not be made, or even “welcome” at the holiday table.

More evident is the religious part of the holiday itself. I stepped away from the traditional telling of the exodus when we began hosting. I have multi-media (i.e. YouTube videos) to help tell the story in addition to our own family Haggadah that we created. In 2020 during COVID, we hosted a Zoom Sedar where we did a popcorn style, putting each family unit in charge of a different part. As the younger generation has expanded and grown older, I began focusing more on keeping their attention.

Some guests prefer the original telling of the story, with little change. Some enjoy the new traditions. Others despise the difficult discussions, while some simply want to get through the telling of the story to get to the food. These differences of opinion can arise during the holiday or more likely, after. As things change, many find it difficult to change themselves and wish for the “way we’ve always done it.”

Mediator’s Thoughts

As a modern mediator, have open dialogue and do what’s best for you and your family. As we grow, our priorities and preferences change, but it’s okay if some stay the same. It’s all about healthy communication with family and friends. The same holds true for business conflicts. Gain understanding and show empathy towards others who have differences of opinion. Reach solutions which may not always be your ideal resolution, but solves conflict. Disputes arise from unmet emotional needs and miscommunication. Make sure everyone is heard, transforming conflict into understanding.

As we go into the Passover and Easter season, I wish everyone wonderful holidays, filled with love, appreciation, and new and old traditions. Chag Pesach Sameach.

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Each week, Ari Sliffman, a Jewish legal mediator in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania will discuss the week’s Parshah “through the lens of a mediator.”  Ari will focus on one or two sections of the Parshah and discuss how a mediator could have assisted with the relevant conflict.