Imparting Real Values

29: When the time drew near for Yaakov to die, he called for his son Yosef, and said to him, “If I have found favor in your eyes, please place your hand under my thigh that, you will do for me genuine kindness: Please do not bury me in Egypt.

Yaakov’s request to Yosef isn’t a casual “hey, by the way, don’t bury me here” kind of moment. Yaakov goes out of his way to make it formal. He says, “If I have found favor in your eyes,” asks Yosef to place his hand under his thigh (a symbolic way of commitment) and insists that Yosef swear to him.

That’s four layers of emphasis for what seems like a straightforward request. Practically, Yaakov is Yosef’s father, and a literal patriarch. Yosef is the second most powerful man in Egypt, with the authority to do what he wants. So why the extra effort? Couldn’t Yaakov simply say, “Hey, Yosef, make sure I’m buried in Israel,” and trust him to follow through?

But here’s the thing; Even though Yosef agrees to fulfill his father’s request, as he says in the pasuk, “I will do as you say,” there’s no enforcement mechanism. Once Yaakov is gone, Yosef could have easily changed his mind. He could have said, “It’s too complicated,” or “Egyptian law won’t allow it,” or “the international community condemns it,” (lol) and simply shrugged it off.

This may be why Yaakov doesn’t rely on his status. Instead, he appeals directly to Yosef’s character. By layering his request with respect (“If I have found favor in your eyes”), trust (“Place your hand under my thigh”), and emotions (“Do for me genuine kindness”), Yaakov creates a situation where Yosef feels personally invested in fulfilling his father’s wishes.

This dynamic sheds light on the delicate balance parents often face when raising children, as many parents fall into the trap of seeing their children as reflections of themselves. They project their unfulfilled dreams onto their kids, leading to expectations like, “My son the (fill in the blank),” which might sound good to talk about at family smachot but too often, results in resentment.

The truth is that children aren’t extensions of their parents; they’re individuals with their own goals. Parents can provide an environment that directs them to make smart choices, model good behavior, and guide with love, but ultimately, children will decide for themselves (ex: my newborn daughter deciding in 20 years from now to not to live in Israel with her family).

Yaakov request isn’t about commanding Yosef. Rather, it’s about inspiring him. He makes it clear that this is deeply important to him, but that he also respects Yosef’s decision making.

As the story unfolds, Yosef not only makes the effort to bury Yaakov in Israel, but in Ma’arat Ha’Machpelah. This isn’t just a show to Yosef’s character, but a reflection of the respect and love Yaakov cultivated throughout their relationship (and we see this connection carried on when Yosef’s body is taken out as well many generations later).

Real influence comes from respect and making them feel part of your story. It’s easier said than done, but the next time you’re trying to inspire someone, try Yaakov’s approach.

Shabbat Shalom!