Innovative Problem Solving: The Two-State Solution

The two-state solution is of course, rooted in that most successful retreat strategy of the British empire of dividing any problematic territory in two, ensuring that both sides will be locked in permanent conflict while the imperial forces were able to make an ungracious retreat (not unlike the US’s catastrophic withdrawal from Afghanistan, but with an extra layer of colonialism).

It was of course, first applied to Mandatory Palestine in 1923 when the land between the Jordan river and Mesopotamia (77% of the territory of what had been earmarked as a homeland for the Jews) was handed to the Arabs (to whom the British had also been making promises).

This initial two-state solution apparently wasn’t particularly successful since within years the Arabs who remained in the Jewish homeland quickly resumed massacring the Jews. In 1929, after being told that the Jews were threatening Al Aqsa (which they didn’t), riots and massacres took place across the Jewish homeland. So, when in 1936 the were once again incited to begin a 3 year long string of pogroms against the Jews who had started nation building, the British true to form proposed a two-state solution. The new 1937 partition plan offering to give the Arabs the majority of the remaining Jewish homeland.

This of course was rejected by the Arabs who made clear that they weren’t interested in a two-state solution, they were interested in driving the Jews out of the Jewish homeland. Had the pogroms not been enough for people to believe the local Arabs, their leader decided to fly to Germany to spend a substantial chunk of the war as a Nazi, committing his people to a Final Solution to the Jewish Problem in the middle east.

Sadly for the Arabs, that too failed (though they had some success preventing Jews from seeking refuge in the Jewish homeland), and with the fall of the Third Reich it seemed like it was back to trying their luck with the British, who by this point were struggling to maintain any sort of control over their empire. The British response was to raise run as far and as fast as they could, and to allow a civil war to break out in the Jewish homeland between the Jews and their Arab compatriots.

Luckily for the world, the United Nations had just formed to ensure that the world would be peaceful forever more. So it was that the nations of the world gathered and proposed the 1947 “Partition Plan”, which promised to create divide the Jewish homeland once more into two states, an Arab state, and a Jewish one.

This two-state solution was once again rejected by the Arabs who preferred once again to have a single state and to rid the land of the Jews. The Nazis were no longer available to help with the plan, but luckily the pan-Arab movement had been deeply infused with Nazi propaganda and antisemitism by Nasser’s Nazis and so there remained a strong appetite for the ethnic cleansing of the Jews.

Thus began the Arab-Israeli wars, a series of 3 wars of annihilation in which the armies of the Arab world pooled their resources to try to rid the region of Jews once and for all. The Jews declared independence from the British empire in May of 1948, and the Arab world declared war on the Jews. The Jews were not able to hold all of the land of their newly declared Jewish homeland, and Egypt and Jordan hungrily annexed the territory they were able to capture, destroying ancient Jewish communities and ethnically cleansing the newly acquired territories of Jews.

In 1967 during the 6 day war (the third Arab-Israeli war) the Jews were able to reclaim all of the land which had been occupied by the Arab armies in 1948. This miraculous situation restored the former Jewish homeland to its initially declared magnificence, and severely injured the pride of the Arab world who quite enjoyed taking land from Jews, but weren’t as pleased with the idea of losing land to Jews.

Luckily for the Arabs, in 1964 a young go-getter by the name of Yasser Arafat had worked with the KGB and a New York PR firm to rebrand his band of terrorists to try to give them a bit of Che Guevarra chic. His band of merry terrorists had just changed their name from the Palestine Liberation Organization to the Palestinian Liberation Organization, and just 3 years later in 1967 this minor decision would become a thorn in the side of the world.

The newly minted Palestinian Liberation Organization now found itself the victims of semantic overload, which had inadvertently expanded the territory from which it wished to remove the Jews from the pre-1967 borders representing Israel after its land had been occupied by Jordan, Egypt, and Syria, to the post-1967 borders representing Israel after having liberated those lands. Lucky for the Jordanians, the Palestinian Liberation Organization seemed to forget about the first partition of Mandate Palestine.

This presented a problem for the world, here were the Jews returned to their homeland and basking in the victory of a war that even atheists describe as miraculous, and a bunch of Arab terrorists with nothing to do. Thankfully, the PLO found what to do, and began hijacking planes. Often Israeli planes, sometimes European carriers, the PLO was an equal opportunity hijacker.

So it was that the world had found a problem. Here were the Jews returned to their homeland under the authority of the Mandatory system, the British empire, the League of Nations, and the United Nations. On the other hand, they really didn’t want to have to deal with terrorists hijacking their planes. So the world community got together and tried to figure out how to resolve the problem once more. By 1974, with an extra Arab-Israeli war thrown in for good measure to remind the world that Israel knows how to win a war, and after careful consideration, the world community decided on an innovative solution. They would partition the land, a two-state solution as it were.

From this moment on, the Palestinian Liberation Organization engaged in one of the most remarkable struggles for liberation in human history. Initially liberating themselves of the restraints of truth, and time, they soon found they were able to liberate themselves of consequence for their actions, and finally of reality. It was a very impressive liberation indeed.

Armed with the support of the Arab League, the Soviet Union, and socialists around the world, the Palestinian Liberation Organization then embarked on a 20 year long campaign of murdering Jews (and non-Jews) around the world, inventing new forms of terrorism, and generally being a pain in the arse for the world community. This peaked in 1987 with the first Intifada, a violent uprising primarily of terrorists against Israeli civilians.

Surely no good deed goes unpunished, and so the United States, who was by now on the verge of being the worlds’ sole super power got involved. It took a few years, and a lot of negotiation, but eventually Bill Clinton was able to present the USA’s innovative approach to the middle-east in the form of the Oslo accords, a clever plan by which through some convoluted set of principles to be decided at a future date the Jews and the Arabs could agree to a two-state solution.

Since the Oslo Accords were signed, the Jews and the Arabs have met at the negotiating table on no less than 5 separate occasions to discuss partition plans. Each time the Jews have offered a larger portion of land, and each time the Arabs first rejected the offer, then resumed murdering Jewish civilians.

This Jew murdering reached new peaks with the Arab invasion of southern Israel which took place on October 7^th, 2023. Where an Arab horde broke through the border of the Gaza envelope and began to rape, murder, and pillage Israeli villages, killing over 1200 Israelis in a single day and taking 240 hostages. The ensuring war cost many more Israeli lives, and many more Palestinian lives.

This had to end, the world needed to come up with a new and innovative solution to the Arab-Israeli conflict. So it was that in 2024, upon careful consideration, the world came to the conclusion that the solution to the Arab-Israeli conflict was to unilaterally recognize a Palestinian state, presumably to be unwittingly cut from the Jewish state, in an invasion of territorial integrity and sovereignty tantamount to the rape of an entire nation. After careful consideration the world had come up with a Two-State Solution.

Surely this innovative solution from the world community to this latest conflict will be the solution this time. Joe Biden for one is convinced that THIS time, he’s found the right problem and that the two-state solution can be the right answer… and he’s willing to bet the lives of 7.2 million Israeli Jews on it.