Interfaith Weddings: Time to Reimagine?

As a rabbi and cantor, officiating weddings has always been one of the most profound and joyful parts of my calling. When it comes to interfaith marriages, I’ve approached them with a sense of purpose and responsibility, aiming to ensure Judaism remains a central pillar of the couple’s future. To that end, I’ve traditionally conducted fully Jewish ceremonies, without clergy from other traditions, and encouraged couples to commit to raising a Jewish family. Additionally, I’ve suggested that the non-Jewish partner take an introduction to Judaism course, believing this foundation would help build understanding and connection.

Recently, however, I’ve begun to question whether these expectations are serving their intended purpose. A turning point came when a couple approached me to officiate their wedding—a particularly meaningful request, as I had bar mitzvahed one of them years ago. I shared my expectations, but I never heard from them again. That silence was more than disappointing; it was humbling. It made me wonder: Am I asking too much?

The Limits of Promises
Encouraging couples to commit to raising a Jewish family has always felt like an obvious step—a way to ensure that Judaism would play a central role in their future. But what does such a promise really mean? Can it be enforced? Should it be? A promise extracted from a couple in the early stages of their relationship might not reflect their evolving reality, and more importantly, it might not inspire the kind of genuine commitment that comes from the heart. Judaism is built on love, choice, and growth—not on obligation imposed from the outside.

Barriers or Bridges?
Similarly, I’ve often suggested that the non-Jewish partner take an introduction to Judaism course. In theory, this is a way to nurture understanding and connection, opening a door to Jewish life. But what if that suggestion feels burdensome? What if, instead of igniting curiosity, it becomes an obstacle—a barrier between the couple and the very tradition I hope they’ll embrace? If I encourage someone to attend a class they’re not ready for, am I building a bridge to Judaism, or am I erecting walls?

Rethinking My Role
These questions have led me to consider the larger purpose of officiating at interfaith weddings. Why do I say yes to these ceremonies at all? The answer is simple: I want to leave couples with a positive, lasting impression of Judaism. I want them to see it as something welcoming, beautiful, and deeply meaningful.

But when I think about that couple I never heard back from, I wonder if my expectations are working against that goal. What if my criteria, intended to ensure a Jewish future, are unintentionally closing the door to that future before it even begins?

A New Approach
In Pirkei Avot, we’re taught: “Be among the disciples of Aaron, loving peace and pursuing peace, loving people and bringing them closer to the Torah.” (1:12). Perhaps this teaching holds the key to my dilemma. If I remove the expectation of promises or courses, I risk losing control over how Judaism might show up in their lives. But perhaps that’s the point. Judaism is strongest when it’s chosen, not imposed.

So what if I approached interfaith weddings differently? What if the only requirement were that the ceremony itself be Jewish, leaving the rest—the family, the traditions, the journey—to flow naturally from the couple’s own experience of Jewish life? What if, instead of focusing on commitments, I focused on creating a moment so beautiful and inspiring that it would draw them closer to Judaism on its own?

These are the questions I’m grappling with. They’re not simple, and the answers aren’t clear. But if the goal is to ensure that Judaism continues to thrive in an increasingly interfaith world, then perhaps rethinking how we approach these ceremonies is the first step.

I invite you to reflect with me: What is the purpose of officiating interfaith weddings? And how can we balance tradition with the realities of modern Jewish life?

The journey continues.