Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Psychology, Medicine, Science, Politics, Oppression, Integrity, Philosophy, Jews -- For those who like their news and truths frank and sharp

Intimate relationships unrelated to sexual preference

Their growing popularity has caught my eye

I’m all for letting people define themselves and respecting their self-labeling, as long as they didn’t expropriate the identities of other groups.

Gay Lib, from its inception, always meant two things (often confused):

  1. The freedom to respect same-sex/gender preference;
  2. The freedom to have sex with whomever one wants.

I will elaborate on that difference below.

Define and Don’t Deny

Yet, for psychologists, I’ve pleaded for using a new definition of sexual orientation as I found the existing definitions insufficient, if not wrong.

Per my definition, there exists in the human brain in most people not just a notion of wanting to be intimate with people of one gender/sex. It seems that for them, the only way to kill existential loneliness is a steady bond with someone of the preferred gender/sex. That means that a relationship with someone not-of-the-preferred gender or sex might be dependable, close emotionally and physically, warm, loving, intimate, and sexually pleasing, but won’t be sustainable because the partner(s) partnered with the ‘wrong’ sex/gender are slowly dying from unresolved loneliness. The best platonic relationships, even when consummated, still will not do.

Therapists and their theorists mostly seem to define sexual orientation as something one does. You are what you do. But humans are not!

Decades of Gay Lib and the complete exposure of conversion therapy as a massive fraud should have taught us by now that there is such a thing, for most people, as an innate and immutable sexual preference. And that realization can’t live in one universe with the idea that we would be what we do. A Gay man in a relationship with a woman never becomes Straight. And my retired sexology teacher told me a few years ago from experience in his practice: When such a relationship ends, typically, in their next relationship, people often return to the gender of their basic orientation.

For a large minority of women, the line between Gay and Straight seems easier to cross and not as sharply defined as for men. Or, maybe better: There are far more plurisexual (bisexual, non-label, questioning, fluid, pansexual, demisexual, queer, and heteroflexible) women than men.

But there is more. My conclusions a decade ago were:

I. A relationship with the ‘wrong’ gender won’t last because of unresolved loneliness.

II. Seeking sex outside of one’s orientation leads to a sex addiction, deep loneliness, and not a steady relationship.

III. But a one-off relationship with someone of the ‘wrong’ gender/sex, if based on love, may last based on just fancying this special person.

New and Old

Something new is brewing. The notion/ideal/norm that one ‘should/could’ stay with one person for 80 years is waning. Increasingly, young people’s partner choice is ‘good for now.’ The lifelong commitment is vanishing.

With that, the threat of partnering with the ‘wrong’ gender/sex is becoming less relevant. Which has two aspects.

A. It’s nice that gender becomes less normative. Either can be good.

B. This overshadows that there still is, for the vast majority of people, such a thing as sexual orientation/preference.

On the latter point: Not everyone who chooses a same-sex relationship will do so ‘because we should be free to marry whom we want’ (2). Some will do so because that’s the kind of person they need as a partner (1).

More and more people have perfect relationships unrelated to sexual preference (III). Yet, that doesn’t mean that their sexual preference is absent, irrelevant, or unbeknownst to them. It just is not the basis for their current relationship.

Despite this trend, I maintain we’re not just what we do. Sexual preference stays the dominant factor for most people in their partner choice. When they don’t fall in love with someone not of their gender-preference, they will follow their sexual orientation, notwithstanding any trend or norm.

The growing number of people involuntarily single or in a sexless relation saddens me. I hope that the higher turnover rate of relationships makes that more people get a shot at it in their lifetime. Meanwhile, it should become everyone’s human right to influence the next generations, either as a parent, co-parent, family member of kids, teacher, or otherwise.

About the Author
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. * As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. * This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2000 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe too, here: or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. * Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. * Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. * He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (, born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. * He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. * His newest books you may find here:
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