It ain’t easy being Qatar

Think of Qatar and what comes to mind? Opulent hotels, Michelin-starred dining, hideous but prestigious modern architecture, and soon, a Trump-branded golf course. You imagine a plantation economy in which 90% of the population are guest workers serving the 10% who are lucky citizens. Maybe you see a tiny emirate punching above its diplomatic weight with fists of cash.

It’s an easy caricature. But we are serious men who treasure our friends, and believe me, we have our hands full. Sometimes our friends can be, how shall I say, intemperate. We spend years and fortunes cultivating critical relationships – buy a distressed Manhattan hotel here, give a half-billion-dollar flying palace there – and our protégés breathe fire we have to hose down.

Case in point, Hamas’s leaders. They’re rough around the edges, no question, and their timing is always the worst. The worst! We spend months patiently laying the groundwork for their survival and resurgence, and just as we’re about to neuter a peace plan that calls for their disarmament (and effective demise), one of their leaders announces they’ll never, ever disarm and remain committed to destroying Israel. Can you imagine? Like groundskeeping proles at the World Cup we hosted, we’re reduced to cleaning up the mess.

So we stick a muzzle on that blowhard Khaled Meshaal and stick a script in front of a “senior official” you’ve never heard of. And to his credit, our boy says what we tell him to say – Hamas is certainly open to “freezing” its weapons when, you know, hell freezes over, and there’s a Palestinian state. Of course, I’m kidding about hell freezing over – that’s the quiet part said out loud between you and me. But see how just a little deft marketing can jiu jitsu the opponent? When the Israelis repeat their rejection of Palestinian statehood, they’ll be the defiant ones. Is this really so hard?

Think about how many strings we have to pull to surround Hamas with like-minded allies when Israel finally leaves (or is shoved out of) Gaza. You know, we really can’t stand that megalomaniacal Turkish leader. He’s rather a primitive – his crass demands for payback from New York City’s mayor mortified us – and Putinesque in his quest to restore lost imperial glory. But he’s insistent, he loves Hamas, and he knows how to play US presidents. How many other leaders are loved by both Obama and Trump?

That said, let’s give primary credit where it’s really due. Try to imagine what it took to keep everyone else’s troops out of Gaza. Jordan, the UAE, Egypt, even Azerbaijan and Indonesia for heaven’s sake. The US pleaded with them to commit forces, and one by one, they proclaimed cold feet. You think that was accidental? Trump will have no choice but to overrule Israel and rely on Turkey to salvage his too-big-to-fail peace plan. Certainly we wish Erdogan would dial down the anti-Israel rhetoric and shrill praise for Hamas. But he is what he is, and anyway, being a supporter while posing as the indispensable intermediary is a skill unique to us.

We are but a small nation trying, in our small but savvy way, to educate people to our way of thinking. Education, in fact, is precious to us – so precious that we are among the largest foreign donors to US universities. We have written checks for billions of dollars to support Middle Eastern Studies departments and professorships at prestigious research institutions. Is it our fault their administrations are often too embarrassed to follow the law and report our largesse? Since 2012 Yale University – Yale! – has declared but a single one of our grants in the amount of just $284,668, while we actually gave them nearly $16 million during this time. Trust me, we recognize the insult. But we hold no grudges.

We have never visibly donated to specific pro-Palestinian student groups on US campuses. Nor have we visibly donated to provocateurs like Tucker Carlson to chip away at the stubborn support Israel gets from the political right in the US We are not coarse or blundering like, you know, certain others. Suffice it to note that Tucker is buying a house in Qatar and he will be warmly welcomed. We hope he will take some marketing advice from us and shun modern Nazis and Holocaust deniers on his podcast. They damage his brand, and for reasons you can understand, this concerns us. He will soon live among us, after all.

And please, don’t conflate our support for Hamas with hatred of Israel. Show some nuance! Qatar invests in Israel. Close aides to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu have been accused of accepting payments to promote our image in Israeli media. Former Mossad officials are suspected of working with our intelligence service and having business interests in our country. Would they treat with haters? Sure, we’re not fans of the current Israeli government, but maybe you aren’t either.

So instead of vilifying or reflexively suspecting us of this scheme or that duplicity, try a little empathy instead. It isn’t easy doing all that we do, and not all our friends are your enemies; some may be closer than you think. If by chance we contact you offering help, take the call. You’ll be glad you did.