It has been so long since I have sat down and had the words flow onto the pages I have set aside for sharing, for publishing here or anywhere else.
My personal diary is full. I have rambled on in my adored little brown book, filling the lines, the corners, with words, scribbles, lists and doodles.
But the words I write to communicate and share — these words just haven’t seemed worth saving. I mean, who cares? Anybody?
My life – all of our lives are so different then before.
Before – does anybody remember then?
For all of us still living — our reference to time has been forever changed.
It will always be — before Corona, or COVID19. It will always be: before the virus.
Personally, I do not believe we will have an after. Okay, that is pretty dark. Let me rephrase; I do not believe that there will be an after during my lifetime. I believe that this little blip of COVID19 on the continuum of time will encompass all that is left of my time. (Better?)
If I start thinking about when this virus no longer impacts my daily life, I get lost in a muddy, sticky puddle. My mind becomes quicksand for my thoughts. Since thoughts have a tendency to become reality — I promptly sink into a state of immobility. This, I have been told, is not healthy. It is not healthy to lie in bed, paralyzed with — with what? I can’t say indecision. There is absolutely nothing to decide. I cannot say it is fear. Sure, there is some of the regular paralysis that characterizes my PTSD, but it is more than that.
I feel empty. There is nothing. There is no work. There are no friends to visit and hug. There is no party to attend. No dance to be danced. No friends to hug. No new people to get to know. !!! I cannot even think about holding my grandson!!!
There is just nothing.
It has been too many months. All the projects that I thought of have either been completed or, more truthfully, I have realized don’t really need to be done. These would bring me no joy.
I am a person who loves to do things to completion. What am I to complete now?
I love ticking off things on a ‘to do list’. I have no to do list.
Truly — what do I have to do?
And so, I am taking the advice of a friend. I am flipping my perspective, changing my narrative. I am using my words to help me adjust my thinking, my view.
To refer to a future in which we walk in the world as we did before, is just not helpful.
There is no timeline for now.
As I sit here — in my room, writing, I am keenly aware of the truth. My truth.
I have spent my life fighting the good fight — demonstrating, writing letters, engaging in discussions about ‘important’ issues. I have spent my life doing, doing, doing.
I have not done any of this, or that, for over six months now.
And my truth? It doesn’t really matter. Whether or not I have participated or taken action has not brought about any change. Nobody is better or worse off because of something I have or have not done.
And so, what lies ahead? What do I see with my new and changed view?
I see life.
I See Life.