The British election is only two weeks away and the party leaders are terribly busy plotting and planning. In order to allow Jeremy Corbyn the time he needs to concentrate on presenting his case to his fellow Britons, I am volunteering to help out the Labour Party leader by drafting what may be the most important public utterance of his campaign: his inevitable concession speech. One less thing for him to worry about, no?
So without further ado, here is the speech I am sure Jeremy will be happy to deliver on the evening of Dec. 10th.
“My fellow Englishmen and you slightly less important citizens of the colonies; I come before you dumbfounded by the misguided decision of the voters to deny me the opportunity to serve you as your Prime Minister. How an entire nation of supposedly intelligent and educated people could choose the racist, homophobic, transphobic, Islamophobic, sexist, and worst of all, pro-American Boris Johnson over such an enlightened, egalitarian, progressive, completely woke individual such as myself is simply beyond comprehension. I’m told I have no choice but to accept the verdict of the electorate (a shortcoming in our system that I plan to address when I finally do become Prime Minster), and I will do so, but I intend to expose those anti-British villains responsible for this calumny
First of all, I now understand that many of my fellow Brits did not agree with my position on Brexit. I, of course, am perfectly happy to let some virtually invisible and unaccountable functionaries in Brussels determine Great Britain’s future. As this election so clearly demonstrated, you Brits don’t know what’s best for you so why not let the rest of Europe tell you how to run the economy and what foreign policy we should follow? As Prime Minister, I would have demanded that I be allowed to gravely nod my assent to any decision of the European parliament. What more could you ungrateful and ignorant Brits require?
Secondly, I was defeated by a cadre of disloyal citizens (and I believe ‘citizens’ should be in quotation marks) with the financial resources to tip the election scales in favour of the Conservatives. Understand well that these people’s primary allegiance is not to Great Britain. They don’t even grasp British irony, for G-d’s sake. Oh sure, some will argue that these adherents of the Wrong (oh sorry, I meant Old) Testament have contributed disproportionately to British science, medicine, education, philanthropy, literature and art, but that pales beside their refusal to recognize my brilliance and conviviality.
Those voters were so busy finding anti-Sem…(I can’t even say the word) in every public pronouncement or Tweet of myself and our candidates that they completely overlooked the Liberal Party’s moral and intellectual superiority. They ought to have been sufficiently open-minded to understand that just because members of the Liberal Party (and me, their esteemed Leader) choose to ally ourselves with baby-killers and suicide bombers, that doesn’t mean we’re not sympathetic to the complaints of whiny second-class citizens (oh sorry, was I not meant to say that out loud?).
Everyone should understand that if we had been judged solely by the proper people on the issues and challenges presently facing the U.K., there is no doubt that the Liberal Party would have been elected by an overwhelming majority. Sadly, no amount of politicking or incoherent adherence to far-left positions could deliver the verdict that the Labour Party so richly deserved. The loss is yours’, Britain. Well, I suppose Hezbollah and Hamas are also losers in this new political landscape but they can’t say I didn’t try my best to represent their interests.
Ungratefully and begrudgingly, I concede victory to the Conservative Party. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to the meeting of the Executive Council of the ETGWITJF (Everything-That-Goes-Wrong-Is-the-Jews-Fault) committee. I’m the Chairman and they really can’t start without me.”
Perhaps this isn’t exactly how Jeremy would have phrased his speech if he were doing the writing himself, but I’m sure I’ve captured his sentiments perfectly. You’re welcome, Jeremy.