Jerusalem tour: East side

We are now in the Har Hazaytim Cemetary. There are many ancient burial plots found on Har Hazaytim. You will see many prophets buried here, as all ancient graves are of prophets.

As is similar to the Har HaMenuchot cemetary, there are no signs to guide you as to where you are going. This makes it is easier for the Jerusalem Municipality to hide the dead bodies. We do not want any complaints. We have been trying to track down my cousin for the past three years. Nobody is allowed to look for family. If you have any relatives buried here, you can say your prayers on the bus.

There were too many visitors coming when people were able to find the grave sites. Now that they cannot be found, you can be sure that they rest in peace, without any family coming to bother them, as they rest among the ancient famous people.

If you have to show up to a funeral, skip it. The mourners will understand that you could not find it. They too, have no idea where the dead body is themselves.

You will also notice that Har Hazaytim, The Mount of Olives, was built on a hill. The roads are perfectly placed at a 90 degree angle. As some cars were able to make it up the hill, based on inertia and force, the city has made sure to not pave the roads. Cars were still making it to the cemetery, and now you will notice that the city has put up walls which make it just narrow enough for cars to drive until there is a bend in the road. That Ford Fiesta has been there for the last few months.

If anybody would like to join the Har Hazaytim hike, through the cemetery, be sure to bring along a lot of food and water, as we will get lost. We will walk up the Har Hazaytim cliff, and then we will go rappelling down the graves.

We just passed back to the other side of the Old City. Could have started here, but that is not the point. Look, the Kidron Valley. Also known as the Valley of Yehoshafat, the Kidron Valley continues towards the Dead Sea. That means we should get out of the valley before we end up in a settlement.

The redemption appears to start from this area. You all can study up on your Bible and then I can give you a very detailed tour. But until then, I will leave it vague for you simpletons.

We are now in East Jerusalem. We know this East Jerusalem, because we are lost.

You can tell the difference between the sides of the city by the way the roads were built. If a street looks like a driveway, that is East Jerusalem. If a street looks like a street, but has 10 different names- changing each block- that is West Jerusalem.

The roads were not part of the plans when they built the East side of Jerusalem. They built homes and then somebody decided to make roads so that people can get to them; no matter how messed up they looked, curving in three different overlapping directions, passing over, with no major connecting highways.

Now we have come to the hotel area. There is one main road, which is paved correctly, housing The Olive Tree Hotel, Grandcourt and Leonardo hotels. These hotels have kosher food, as the roads are paved. All other roads are not newly paved in the area.

Down the block, on a partially paved road is a non-kosher hotel, The American Colony Hotel. This famous hotel is a great place to visit to experience the historical commune of newscasters. Known as the American Colony, here lies a beautiful story about Americans who moved to Israel and told everybody that they knew how to do stuff right. Now a hotel, as in its early days, it is still a place where Jews do not go, unless they are reporters.

The American Colony was established in 1881 by the Spafford family who was stuck in Israel and had to find a way to make it more like America. Like most Americans who move to Israel, they lost everything they had in America and found a way to have no Middle Easterners work for them. In addition, they were used by all for help and charitable work, and not one person said ‘Thank you.’

Their Christian colony was run with Swedish families too, who gets no credit for anything. The Spaffords were the great connection for the American consulate throughout the early years of the 20th century, allowing the American diplomats to report from Palestine without ever having to speak with Jews or Arabs.

We now move towards the Hebrew University area. None of you are dressed well enough to enter towards the Meah Shearim area, on the other side of the road. You all dressed like a bunch of shkutzim. Cover up the arms for crying out loud.

One second, as I read the sign. Please look the other way for a second, at the moving train, which is apparently stopped. No, it is moving.
You can see more Jerusalem Stone buildings.

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.
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