Jewish and Black: Our Children’s Proud Identity
Introduction
In my last post, I reflected on the importance of embracing both our Jewish and Black identities, shaping our children’s sense of pride. Today, I’m taking a deeper look at how my wife and I are preparing them to stand firm in the face of racism—a journey that challenges our resolve daily as parents.
While balancing work at the University of Hartford, my responsibilities with Religious Services at the Department of Correction, and recovering from shoulder surgery, I’ve reflected on how these experiences shape the way I guide my children through life’s challenges. Our intertwined heritage presents unique obstacles, and helping my children embrace their identity while standing up to racism isn’t just a lesson—it’s a mission, deeply rooted in the Rebbe’s teachings. Empowering my children goes beyond protection. It’s about instilling pride and resilience so they can stand tall in the face of adversity—something I struggled with as a child.
Finding My Voice: Confronting Bullying and Silence
As a child, I often stayed quiet when faced with racism—an absence of response that still haunts me today. Growing up, I often heard the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But words did hurt. Though invisible, racial insults left me paralyzed with insecurity. Despite my physical strength, I was unsure how to respond. Over time, I began to question whether the taunts were true.
One memory stands out. In Crown Heights, a boy with darker skin was called the N-word while others laughed. I froze, unable to react. At the time, I thought staying quiet would protect me from something I didn’t know how to fight. I now realize that my inaction only deepened my shame and insecurities.
These early experiences ignited my desire to protect my children from the self-doubt I faced and instill in them the pride I once struggled to find in standing up to discrimination.
Learning from the Past: Lessons in Resilience
Years later, when I began to find my voice, I reconnected with that boy from Crown Heights. Now a respected rabbi, he shared how he navigated those painful moments. He explained that in large communities, children often try to stand out, and differences—like skin color or weight—are frequently targeted. His father instilled in him a deep sense of pride, rooted in the Rebbe’s love, which shielded him from the negativity that could have scarred him. In contrast, I carried the weight of my silence for years.
That conversation taught me how important it is to instill pride in my children—to never let fear keep them from standing tall in their identity.
Though I struggled to respond to racism, I couldn’t tolerate seeing others bullied. I still remember a boy’s mother thanking mine after I defended her son from a group of bullies. I was suspended for that fight, but it was one of the rare times my parents were proud of me for getting into trouble. Those moments shaped my resolve to protect my children—not just from physical harm, but from the emotional wounds I knew so well.
Nurturing Our Children’s Pride
The lessons from my past inform how my wife and I raise our children. We nurture their identity and encourage them to embrace their heritage with confidence. It hasn’t always been easy. At times, I questioned whether speaking out would make them targets, but I realized it was the only way to empower them to stand tall in a world that often sees them as ‘other.
Our children are proud not only of their beautiful mixed features but also of the deep connections to the sacrifices made by those who came before them. For example, before her wedding, Lakey tanned to reflect the shared beauty of her siblings—a small yet meaningful gesture to thank G-d for the way they were created and to honor their shared heritage. In that moment, she was celebrating every part of our shared identity.
Lessons from the Rebbe: Values of Love and Inclusion
Just as we nurture our children’s pride in their heritage, we have instilled in them a love for the values that guide our family’s mission as Chabad Shluchim—to spread kindness and light. At our Chabad House, we extend this mission by welcoming students from all backgrounds and building an inclusive family, rooted in the Rebbe’s belief that all Jews are one, and that all people have inherent value.
Family Stories: A Legacy of Resilience and Strength
This pride is also rooted in the resilience of our parents and grandparents. Saba, who fought for Israel’s independence, is a hero who instilled loyalty, devotion to family, and the importance of standing firm in their beliefs. Granmama came to America for a better life, converting to Judaism along the way. She is the hardest-working person they know. Bubby left an abusive relationship, showed extraordinary courage, and raised me as a Jew. They strive to replicate her boundless love and forgiveness. Their Zaidy, a devoted chossid of the Rebbe, exemplifies lifelong dedication to Torah, Mitzvoth, and learning. From him, they have learned the importance of honesty and integrity. These stories and characteristics form the foundation of our children’s identity.
Open Conversations: A Lifeline for Navigating Racism
Open conversations have been essential in strengthening our children’s identity. Shaped by my own struggles with racism, these discussions have given them the confidence I once lacked. Their ability to respond independently has been the most noticeable change. Rivka, for example, as a young child, confronted friends when they compared a Black bus driver to a gorilla or casually used the word shvartze. Her actions made me proud—not only because she stood up against racism, but because she had internalized our values so deeply.
While these conversations are crucial, they can’t shield our children from life’s harsh realities.
Guiding Our Children Through Life’s Realities
Despite our best efforts, we couldn’t shield our children from every harsh reality. They’ve experienced painful discrimination, and each incident brought back memories of my own struggles. We share a close bond and often discuss their challenges. Sometimes, they seek my advice, appreciating my rational approach. Other times, they withhold information, aware of how strongly I’ll react in their defense. Even my extended family occasionally spares me from hearing hurtful comments, understanding the emotional toll it takes on me.
Facing Rejection and Building Resilience
Mini’s bubbly personality usually helps her shrug off hurtful comments, but one day, she called me in tears. A friend’s mother didn’t want her in their home because she saw our biracial background as a negative influence. Though I was enraged and wanted to confront the family, Mini asked me not to. It was a painful moment for both of us. Nothing can prepare you for the day your child is excluded—not for their actions, but for who they are. These experiences have taught my children to maintain their dignity, even when the world tests it.
Our Children’s Stories: Navigating Hurtful Moments
Once I was able to overcome my silence and start talking about my racial background, my children began to share their own encounters. Lakey, too, has faced her share of ignorance. In elementary school, she was nicknamed “Devora Dora” because of her Hispanic features. Even now, hearing “Dora the Explorer” brings back painful memories.
At the Conference of Chabad Women Emissaries, a girl asked Lakey why her family looked like shvartzes after seeing her photos. The words stung, not just because of the cruelty, but because I knew too well the wounds such ignorance can leave behind.
Even as an adult, Lakey continues to navigate these moments. Once, she knocked on a door for a job in Crown Heights, only for the woman to ask, “Are you Chinese?” Another time, she faced comments like, “Your parents must have run out of ink,” mocking her lighter skin and straighter hair compared to her siblings. It’s just as painful when strangers ask, ‘Is she really yours?’ when she’s with her fair-skinned, reddish-blond daughter—my granddaughter.
Shterni faced similar ignorance when a child once claimed her baby sister was crying because Shterni’s darker skin was scaring her. These stories are painful, but they remind me that subtle racism, though often unspoken, is no less damaging. I hope parents will understand that these little moments chip away at a person’s self-worth.
That’s why I confront these moments, even when it’s uncomfortable. Each time we let a comment pass, we risk teaching our children that it’s acceptable to be diminished. While we can’t shield our children from every hardship, we can arm them to overcome these challenges. By fostering their self-reliance and teaching values like compassion and respect, we provide them with the fortitude to transcend cruelty. From these experiences, my children have learned the importance of love, empathy, and holding onto their dignity in the face of adversity.
Strength Through Resilience and Dignity
Rabbi Akiva’s teaching, “Love your fellow as yourself,” is one of the Rebbe’s 12 essential teachings for children. It’s also the principle that underpins our Jewish values of love, respect, and dignity. The Rebbe taught that the best way to protect our children is by arming them with values that will help them stand firm on their own.
Rooted in these values—love, dignity, and the Rebbe’s teachings—our children are equipped to face life’s challenges with confidence. I’ve seen the Rebbe’s teachings in action—not only in grand moments of triumph but also in the quiet, everyday acts of kindness my children show to others. These moments remind me that resilience doesn’t always look loud or outwardly strong. Sometimes, it’s found in softness—the willingness to extend love even when the world is harsh.
Years later, I confessed to the boy from Crown Heights that my fear of being grouped with him had kept me silent. Ironically, during that conversation, someone asked, “Are you brothers?” Without hesitation, we both replied, “Yes, we are brothers.” In that moment, I realized how far I had come—not just in finding my voice, but in fully embracing my identity. It’s the same pride I hope my children carry with them as they walk their own paths.
Conclusion
While we can’t always shield our children from life’s challenges, we can equip them with the strength to rise above. Let’s foster understanding and inclusion—one conversation and one act of courage at a time. With love, respect, and resilience, we can empower our children to stand tall and speak out against injustice.
Our family’s journey is ongoing, and each challenge has taught us something new about resilience. In my next post, I’ll share how my wife and I have navigated moments when our children faced discrimination and how those experiences have shaped our outlook on the world.