Jewsplaining Antisemitism to Antisemites
First off, to the antisemites out there, I would like to commend you for your commitment to this narrative. Few groups of people would hold onto something so meaningless for so long and not seem to lose an ounce of enthusiasm for it. You truly are the excited puppies of humanity. Unfortunately, over the last one thousand years or so, the rest of us have moved on. The truth is, you just aren’t as good at this whole antisemitism thing as you think you are. It’s just not fun to engage with you anymore. We know the talking points and rhetoric, and to be frank, it’s a bit dated and dull. Maybe I can help.
While you are clearly very good at refocusing your own demons, you are pretty terrible in your methods of attack. As America’s Rebbitzman, I feel obligated to help you be a better antisemite. This isn’t for your benefit, mind you, it’s for the rest of us. If we are forced to constantly engage with you, we want it to be a challenge. We are the people of the book, not the people of the coloring book, so we really need you to step up a bit if you want to rile our feathers.
How we look: I am not well-versed in the aesthetic frailties of Europe in the 1300s, so maybe back then, when this antisemitic nose size “zinger” first came out, it was a deep cut for a person to hear. The problem is that today, this really doesn’t quite pack the offensive punch you think it does. It’s a nose. Of all the parts of the body people are sensitive about, the nose is kind of at the bottom of the list. Hitler, for example, wasn’t trying to hide the fact that he had a “micro-schnoz.” He was lifting his hand as high as possible to keep your eyes away from the real problem.
What’s incredible is that your nasal focus is actually an upgrade of the original “Jews have horns” trope. I think we can all agree that assigning something that can be so easily waved away with the lifting of a hat was a huge misstep by your predecessors.
I would suggest maybe hitting something a little more poignant, like our almost universal lactose intolerance. Think of how glorious your rallies would be if everyone came with a taunting wheel of Jarlsberg! You could use the coded terms of “Milkies” or “Brudders of the Udders” to identify safely on Truth Social or X. The potential is endless.
Our Perceived Success: I’m a little concerned that you don’t know how insults are supposed to work. If we can’t get past this, I’m afraid any hope in your improvement will be a lost cause. You don’t generally put people down by yelling about how successful you think they are; Jews control Hollywood, control the banks, and run a secret space program. We get it, you think we are great at doing things. I sometimes walk away from X thinking, “I can be anything!” You can be very empowering with your ineffective attempts at racism.
Have you considered simply not elevating us in your rhetoric? I know it seems like the obvious move, but sometimes that is the best one to make.
Also, can you imagine what an Alt-Right-controlled film industry would look like? Given your earlier established lack of creativity, we’d have movies like: Disney’s The Tinnitus Sufferer of Notre Dame, Hate Actually, and Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Capitol Building.
George Soros: I have to be completely honest here. If it were not for antisemitism, I would have no idea who George Soros was or that he was Jewish. Even now, I know he is some rich dude and is Jewish, though he sounds Greek, but that’s about it. Maybe update the name for a younger generation, so Jews actually feel offended by the inferences or association. Let me suggest a couple for you. Ben Shapiro, Jared Kushner, or Stephen Miller, they all feel like walking caricatures of your vision of us anyway. At least this way, we could put a face to the name. You start associating Stephen Miller with the face of the “evil Jew,” and you will not only upset us, but we will struggle to argue against it.
Israel: Whether you are a right-wing antisemite or a liberal one, I know how tempting it is to add Israel to your arsenal, but it’s also a wee bit too complex for you. The layering of history, global economics, weaponization of theologies, and the constant churning of contemporary viewpoints from outside nations with their own objectives, frankly, puts this one way out of your league. It requires reading and contemplation, and so many other applications of intellect that get in the way of your child-like urges. Whenever you bring up Israel or Zionism as your antisemitic marching cry, you sound like a college student who is learning how to form their own opinion from a pamphlet handed to them in the quad. You don’t really know or understand enough to make a point that goes beyond skin deep. You need to crawl before you can walk.
I’d suggest you focus your efforts on a different geography, the small Eastern European village of Chelm. It has an almost exclusively Jewish population, and the people there are not the brightest. Some of the stories that have come out of there over the years are ridiculous. They actually tried to capture the moon in a barrel of water! This is a place that is more your speed. With Chelm, you don’t need to worry about any geopolitical or historical details, and they are constantly doing dumb things. Maybe in a few hundred years, once you start to master a place like Chelm, you’ll be ready for Israel.
