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Just discovered! Jerry Seinfeld’s Tel Aviv show contract rider

Newly discovered rider spells out the comic's demands, including total ban on soup catchphrases

The following requirements are required by Mr. Seinfeld in addition to all previous agreements heretofore agreed upon in previous sections of the contract. Henceforth it is agreed that the producers are to provide the following items to the specifications and approval of Mr. Seinfeld and his designated staff before, during and/or after all shows as previously agreed upon earlier in the contract.

  1. No less than nine (9) bowls filled with Pez© candies (not in dispensers) are to be distributed throughout the path Mr. Seinfeld will take to the stage from his dressing room and then back to his guest-receiving area. All bowls to be made of locally sourced glass. 50% of the glass bowls are to be created by Israeli artisans, 50% of glass bowls to be from Palestinian craftsmen or craftswomen. Producers to present bowls to Mr. Seinfeld for design approval no later than 48 hours prior to first performance
  2. Mr. Seinfeld’s guest-receiving area to be built-out as per his sitcom apartment specifications with accurate set dressing to include multiple remote controls (non-working is acceptable), cereal boxes (empty is acceptable), and apartment intercom (non-working is acceptable).
  3. All production assistants are forbidden to quote lines from “Seinfeld” to Mr. Seinfeld in order to attempt to be funny or curry favor with Mr. Seinfeld. In the event that a PA is overheard using such lines as “They’re real and they’re spectacular” or “The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli” or “No soup for you” or “soup is not a meal” or any other soup or non-soup related catchphrases, it is understood that said PA will be removed from the premises by agents of the Shin Bet.
  4. The Shin Bet is to provide security for Mr. Seinfeld and entourage before, during and after all agreed upon performances. It is acceptable to Mr. Seinfeld if the Israeli members of the security team are not familiar with “Seinfeld” or don’t ‘get’ the show, however any agents who are heard using the phrase “What’s with all the…” in a non-terror incident-related manner are to be removed from the premises by other Shin Bet agents.
  5. Onstage, Mr. Seinfeld requires two bottles of chilled water in plastic water bottles. One bottle should be from an Israeli bottling company, the other from a Palestinian bottling company. Prior to the show both caps should be opened and then the caps screwed back on so as not to give he appearance of being open, but not so tight as to cause Mr. Seinfeld to have any difficulty opening the bottles on stage during the performance.
  6. Aside from the 2-bottle solution, Mr. Seinfeld requires a three-legged, black wood stool that has never been used on stage before by other performers.
  7. Mr. Seinfeld’s accompanying act, Mr. Mark Schiff, requires a minyan be available at all times.
  8. In addition to bowls of non-dispensered Pez© candies, Mr. Seinfeld’s private dressing room within his public dressing room adjacent to the guest receiving area is to include one dozen certified Pez© dispensers with the heads of Judah Maccabee and his brothers.
  9. Producers are required to provide one production assistant to be seen prominently wearing a “puffy shirt.” This PA should not be conventionally handsome and must be prepared to be berated publicly by Mr. Seinfeld at the after-show party for his seemingly over-the-top idolatry of “Seinfeld.” After appearing to insult the PA, Mr. Seinfeld will publicly apologize and announce that it was all a joke and that he “just wants the public to know I don’t take myself too seriously.” The production assistant will be provided with an autographed 100 shekel note.
  10. Mr. Seinfeld requires that every car in Israel be available for his potential purchase prior to leaving the country.

Gary Rudoren is, among other things, a playwright and writer who is the co-creator & director of the web series, The Times of Yisrael, starring Yisrael Campbell. He is also the creator of the Twitter feed @SeinfeldIsrael, which explores the adventures of Jerry, George, Kramer & Elaine if they lived in the Holy Land. Most recently he was featured in the NY Times Parenting Blog with a humor piece about the ole’ “Got Your Nose” bit.

About the Author
Gary Rudoren is, among other things, a playwright and writer.
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