Kibbud Av Va’eim: Must Children Always Listen to Their Parents?

When a child chooses a different path, a parent may feel rejected, while the child may feel that love has become a demand for obedience.

A young adult wants to make aliyah, but the parents want the child to remain in America. A student wants another year in yeshiva or seminary, but the parents believe it is time to move on. A child wants to pursue a particular career, attend a certain college, or move to a community the parents oppose.

The parents may feel that their sacrifices have earned them a say in these decisions. The child may feel that honoring parents should not mean surrendering the right to determine the direction of one’s own life.

Both concerns are understandable. But what does kibbud av va’eim, honoring one’s parents, actually require? Must children follow their parents’ wishes even when those wishes concern major life decisions?

I recently explored this question with my students while teaching the laws of kibbud av va’eim. The halachic sources reveal a distinction with important implications for family life: the obligation to honor our parents does not necessarily give them the authority to make our decisions. But being free to decide does not free us from the responsibility to listen.

Three Approaches in Halacha

The discussion begins with a fundamental question: Does honoring one’s parents require doing whatever they ask, even when the request provides them with no direct benefit?

Three important sources illuminate different dimensions of this question.

1. Kibbud: What benefits the parent?

The Ramban, in his Chiddushim to Yevamot 6a, defines the core obligation of kibbud in terms of actions from which a parent derives benefit:

אין זה עיקר כבוד אלא מה שאמרו בקידושין איזהו כיבוד מאכילו ומשקהו ומלבישו ומנעילו וכו’ וכל דבר שיש לו הנאה בו, אבל אמר לו לעשות דבר שאין לו הנאה של כלום אין זה כיבוד שאמרה תורה

The Ramban explains that the formal mitzvah of honoring parents centers on providing for their needs and giving them tangible benefits. A request from which the parent derives no benefit does not fall within this core obligation.

According to this approach, a parent cannot automatically invoke kibbud to require a child to choose a particular college, profession, or place of residence. A parent’s disappointment with a child’s decision does not, by itself, establish a violation of kibbud.

2. Mora: Does a child have to obey?

The Mekneh, commenting on Kiddushin 31b, considers whether the separate mitzvah of mora, reverence for one’s parents, creates a broader obligation:

נראה דכל דבר שמצוה לו אביו אף בדבר שאין לאביו שום הנאה ממנו שאינו בכלל כיבוד אפ”ה אם אין לבן שום הפסד ממנו זהו בכלל מורא שאם לא ישמע לו הוי כסותר את דבריו.

The Mekneh suggests that even when a parent’s request provides no direct benefit, a child may still be obligated to comply under mora, provided that doing so involves no loss to the child. Refusing to listen may itself constitute a form of disrespect.

The Mekneh cites the ruling in Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De’ah 240:25, that a son need not obey his father’s objection to his choice of spouse. This example must be understood in light of the Mekneh‘s qualification: a child is not obligated to comply with a parental request when doing so entails a loss to the child. In the case of marriage, that loss may involve the personal distress of giving up a spouse whom the child wishes to marry. The example therefore illustrates that the obligation of mora does not require a child to accept every parental demand regardless of its personal cost.

3. Ratzon haTorah: What does the Torah expect beyond formal obligation?

The Minchat Asher (Bereishit 21:4), drawing on the Chazon Ish (Yoreh De’ah 149), introduces another dimension: ratzon haTorah, the broader will of the Torah.

The Chazon Ish explains that although the formal mitzvah of kibbud concerns matters that relate directly to the parent, the underlying principle teaches us that Hashem wants children to honor their parents more broadly. When accommodating a parent’s wishes entails financial loss or personal distress, the child is not obligated to go beyond the formal requirements. When no such loss or distress is involved, however, doing so may reflect ratzon haTorah.

This approach shifts the question. Even when a child is not formally obligated to comply, there may still be a religious reason to take a parent’s wishes seriously.

Together, these sources illuminate three dimensions of the discussion: the formal obligation of kibbud, the broader demands of mora, and the expectations of ratzon haTorah.

Halacha does not necessarily give parents the final word on every major decision. But the absence of a formal obligation does not mean that a parent’s wishes have no religious or moral significance.

The Right to Decide Is Not the Same as the Wisdom to Decide

Suppose a child concludes that halacha does not require following a parent’s wishes. What should happen next?

The child has answered one question, but not necessarily the most important practical one.

Parents possess something their children often lack: years of experience. They may recognize practical difficulties, anticipate consequences, or raise questions their children have not considered. Their perspective deserves serious attention, even though their experience does not make them infallible.

A parent may be too cautious, overly influenced by personal expectations, or unable to appreciate the opportunities available to a new generation. Sometimes a child sees possibilities that the parent cannot. But sometimes the parent sees risks that the child has overlooked.

A young adult considering aliyah should think carefully about financial, professional, social, and religious implications. A student seeking another year of learning should consider what that year will accomplish. Someone choosing a profession should weigh personal fulfillment alongside financial responsibilities and long-term opportunities.

Parents may not have the right to dictate the answer. They may nevertheless help their children arrive at a better one.

Listening does not mean agreeing. It means giving a parent’s concerns a genuine hearing, considering the reasons behind them, and being willing to reconsider one’s assumptions. A child can do all of that and still reach a different conclusion.

The question is not merely, Am I obligated to listen to my parents? It is also, Have I listened carefully enough to make a wise decision?

When Independence and Family Harmony Conflict

These disagreements are rarely just about the decision itself. They are also about what the decision means to each person.

A parent who opposes a child’s plans may believe that the child is disregarding years of sacrifice, experience, and love. The child may experience the parent’s opposition as a lack of trust or an unwillingness to recognize that the child has become an adult.

Both may feel misunderstood. Neither feeling necessarily reflects the whole truth.

Consider a student who wants to spend several more years learning Torah while the parents strongly believe the student should attend college. Rather than treating the situation as a contest over who has the authority to decide, the child should explore whether the underlying concerns can be addressed without abandoning the goal of learning.

Perhaps the student can attend college while maintaining a serious commitment to Torah study. Perhaps the family can agree on a defined period of learning and then reassess. A trusted rabbi or mentor might help everyone explore the options.

A compromise may be worthwhile not because parents have an absolute right to dictate the decision, but because preserving family harmony has genuine value.

Sometimes, however, compromise is not possible. A child may decide that aliyah, a particular educational opportunity, or another deeply held aspiration is worth pursuing despite parental opposition. Respecting a parent does not mean abandoning every important goal to avoid conflict.

Family harmony matters, but it does not always determine the outcome. The challenge is to preserve respect even when agreement proves impossible.

That requires effort from both generations. Parents must learn to advise without controlling. Children must learn to disagree without dismissing. Neither side should assume that disagreement means a lack of love.

Beyond the Bare Minimum

The discussion of kibbud av va’eim teaches us something about the relationship between halachic obligation and personal responsibility.

Halacha establishes what we must do and where the boundaries of another person’s authority lie. But knowing that we are not obligated to do something does not establish that doing it would be wise, kind, or consistent with Torah values.

Likewise, honoring parents does not mean that children must reproduce their parents’ lives or fulfill every expectation they have. Raising children means preparing them to make responsible decisions of their own, even when those decisions differ from the ones their parents would make.

A child facing a major disagreement with a parent should therefore ask two questions:

First, what am I actually obligated to do according to halacha?

Second, even if I am not obligated to follow my parents’ wishes, what is the wisest and most responsible way to move forward?

The first establishes the boundaries of obligation. The second challenges us to consider what respect, gratitude, and family responsibility demand beyond those boundaries.

As children grow older, parents increasingly become advisers to adults who must take responsibility for their own lives. That transition need not become a choice between independence and honoring one’s parents.

We can listen without surrendering our judgment. We can disagree without showing contempt. We can make decisions our parents would not make while still taking their concerns seriously.

The goal is not to eliminate disagreement. It is to know when we must listen, when we may choose differently, and how to do both without losing sight of the relationship that connects us.