Kosher Movies: Adolescence, A Netflix Series

I debated within myself whether to review Adolescence. It is a difficult watch, but I concluded that its messages were important and that thoughtful parents should see it.

 Adolescence begins in a shocking way. Armed law enforcement raids a  local residence and arrests  a thirteen-year-old boy, Jamie Miller,  whom they think murdered a classmate, Katie Leonard.The narrative is told in four installments: Jamie’s processing at a police station, interviews with students at Jamie’s school, an in-depth conversation between Jamie and a psychologist, and the conversations of Jamie’s parents who are wrestling with the reality of their son committing murder.

For me, two themes emerge from Adolescence: (1) the prevalence of phone-addicted children which leads to mental health issues, and (2) the disconnect between parents and children that occurs when parents miss the warning signs of a deteriorating rapport with their child.

Jonathan Haidt, a social psychologist, in his seminal work The Anxious Generaton: How the Great Rewriting of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, argues persuasively that the use of smartphones by children below the age of sixteen significantly disrupts childhood development, and is both the indirect and direct cause of a number of physical and psychological maladies. This plays out in Adolescence as we observe teens resorting to cell phone messages and social media to communicate rather than simply having conversations with their peers at school.

What troubled me most about this tragic story was the realization that, in spite of ostensibly good parenting, a child could commit such a heinous crime. Jamie’s parents are not abusive. They love him; and yet over time, their rapport flounders. Questions abound. How much influence do we really have over our children? How responsible are we for our child’s behavior? I sometimes ask myself: did I do the best job that I could as a parent? As I have gotten older, I introspect about that question. Did a conversation that I had when my child was ten years old influence who that child became at age eighteen?

Emuna Braverman, a Jewish educator, writes about the lack of parental expertise, especially in the confusing times in which we live, where parents and teachers have to compete with cell phones and social media to get the attention of their children. She argues that there are several ideas that can help in these challenging days when parenting feels like climbing Mt. Everest. She remarks: “the longer I parent, the less control I seem to have.” Here are several principles that guide her.

Controlling one’s attitude is critical, being able to refocus when things get out of hand. Realizing that at all times, you are are an example, whether you like it or not. How do we treat the opinions of others, especially when the other is one’s spouse. Our spousal interactions can become a model of how our children will treat others. Parenting is not a straight line. We need to own up to our mistakes. We won’t be perfect, but we can be very good. We need to allow kids to develop their own identities, as they become age-appropriate for new experiences. Finally, we should not minimize the value of prayer. We truly need God’s help in rearing children.

Parenting is ongoing. It does not end. It is neither a goal nor a destination. I was a different parent when I was in my twenties then when I was in my forties. Each of my children experienced a slightly different version of “me.” Hopefully, the essential “me” was consistent with my values over the years, and my kids have benefited. Jamie’s parents have experienced an emotional tsunami, but their enduring love for each other suggests that they will survive.