Lone Soldier Parenting at a Time of War

When I was a new mother, back in the late ’90s, I was sure that once the kids were all grown up the worrying about them was over. They’d be adults living a charmed life, living their dreams, and I’d be patting myself on the back on the great job I did raising them. At that point I had no idea that three of my boys would make aliyah and join the IDF.

I was so naive. The worries are different with adult children (soldiers fighting a war, for one, watching your kids make adult decisions and living with the consequences, for another, etc) – it’s more mental, more cerebral, more emotional.

Honestly? Right now? With kids (men) at war – this is the hardest parenting has ever been for most of us. You (I) can’t fix the situation, you (I) cannot understand what they are going through having never been in their shoes, and you (I) can’t protect them because it’s now their job to protect you, your people and your country.

So how do you parent active duty soldiers (from 6000 miles away)? 

For me it’s love-bombing their phones so when they get them back after being in the field they have a long list of I love yous and I’m proud of yous and I hope you’re eating and drinking, and the dog did a funny thing yesterday and look at this stupid meme and I made your favorite dish and it made me smile to think of you. (They get the word smile. It’s really spelled C R Y).

It’s not crying when you do get to speak to them but crying buckets afterwards due to pure relief at hearing their voices even if it’s only for a 30 second call “Hi Ima, I love you. Just calling to say I’m out / going in. Bye”.

It’s listening when they need to talk for as long as they need it, even if the subject material is difficult for you to process and the army terms are like Greek to you. 

It’s being too far to hug them but reminding them that they just need to close their eyes and they can feel your arms around them holding them tight. 

It’s telling your Israeli friends to hug their soldiers extra when they can because you are not there to hug yours.

It’s being prepared to drop everything and  jump on a plane at the last minute if they say “Ima, I need you.”

It’s copying the Hebrew text from their unit’s WhatsApp group into Google Translate if your Hebrew-speaking buddy isn’t available, so that you know that right now “hakol beseder” – whatever that amounts to in army-speak for that specific day and time. And you breathe a bit easier for a couple of minutes until the usual military anxiety starts to kick back in.

It’s being strong when you can and accepting the times that you’re not. 

It’s supporting other soldier parents, and accepting support from them, so you can be united for your soldiers.

It’s standing in the aisle of the grocery store taking pictures of the treats you usually bring from the States and sending the photos to the kids, with a message that you hope to bring some out soon. (And, yes, that was me last week crying over Elmo juice boxes in the grocery store, one of many long standing traditions – 11 years of visits –  for me to bring for my warriors).

It’s WhatsApping them every Friday morning with the regular Friday night bracha they would get at home if they were at your table. It makes you feel better, and even if they hear the message 5 days later it’s just as valid and they feel just as blessed and surrounded with warmth.

It’s giving them space when they need it for however long they need it – and making sure that they know you’re there when/if they need you.

It’s accepting that they are who they are, even if war has changed them, and loving them unconditionally and making sure they know that deep in their marrow.

It’s praying every day that every soldier comes home safely, and praying that every hostage is released and returned to their loving families..