Men attack when scared and unable to communicate feelings, needs, and beliefs

The attacker is the one to pity but currently is not the victim!

These are the main points that I suppose about these men (yes—men). If you feel capable of getting in trouble like that, I will inform you what I see.

Still Feeling Attacked?

Most attackers don’t see themselves as aggressive villains. They’re stuck in an old (childhood) trauma so bad most of us cannot imagine. They’re still feeling the victim of yesteryear and are unaware that they switched roles.

Their violence is an attempt to finally feel safe and in power/control again.

Softly Say What You Feel

Search what you feel. Small feelings might be more important than big ones. But if you only have feelings of rage/disgust, etc., say them. I feel … because …. Try to guess why and say it. I will give you more control. You might turn others into friends who want to help you.

Humbly Say What You Need and Believe

If you feel you are denied what you need, say what you’re lacking. Or better, say what would fulfill that need. It will give you more control. You might turn others into friends who want to help you.

If you feel a value you hold dear has been violated, say what you believe in. Or better, say what you want others to acknowledge as valuable. If they disagree, try something deeper: OK, you can’t love my people but at least respect me like yourself. I’m not less worthy than anyone else. It’ll give you more control. You might turn others into friends who want to help you.

This way, you can avoid having to regret what you did in anger. Good luck!

***

But When You’re Attacked

When someone, unprovoked, points a finger (or weapon) at you, if you can safely leave the scene, leave. If not, leave their script or expectations.

Don’t try to be the hero if you have an alternative: to run.

People who just destroy for the fun of it, leave it to the police.

If you’re a people-pleaser, don’t assume your closeness will reassure them. Once, people close to them hurt them deeply. Closeness threatens them.

If strangers (try to) attack you, and you can’t get away, assume you can’t know what you’re up against. But, having no choice, remember this:

They attack against their deepest wishes, unaware the childhood attack that frightened them is over, and they survived and are safe now.

They expect you to counter-attack (Do if your dare!) or defend yourself (Please don’t!). Either will spell deep trouble. Say anything but those.

They hate following the script they’re in and need help to leave it.

Don’t say: Calm down. That is facilitating a fight. If you listen well, the angry person will automatically become more reasonable and less angry. But if you’re in danger, don’t count on that, and try to flee unexpectedly. (If the ‘angry’ person just fakes it, is not really upset, only aims to scare others, or only brainlessly rehearses set mantras, he won’t calm down.)

Surreptitiously, change the focus of the conversation by calmly, sub-friendly focusing on them, being their natural friend. Try these:

It really hurts, doesn’t it?

Don’t do this to yourself.

Beautiful sweater you’re wearing; where do you get that?

What can I get you? What do you need?

Guess out loud: Do you feel … because you need/value? (Don’t say: because of I/they … — that makes him powerless and angrier.)

If their blank stare leaves their eyes and they suddenly look confused, they’re waking up from their hopeless, dated script.

If they answer you: I need people like you to all die, give empathy: Did people like me so bother you?

Don’t say that you are sorry for bothering them. You’re not the issue. That’s entering their old script. Focus on them: I’m sorry to hear how much suffering people like me have caused you. Or perhaps better: Guess and ask them what their pain is: Did you feel threatened by people like me?

When they start sobbing, don’t interrupt them. They are getting over terrible childhood traumas. Getting closer to them might frighten them. When they can cry standing alone, they don’t need your hand or hug. When they do, they will get closer on their own initiative. Let them.

I survived two such attacks, which gives me confidence it can be done. But, I succeeded after a lot of prior training and still, there are no guarantees.

About the Author

MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. * As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. * This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2000 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe too, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. * Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. * Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. * He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. * He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. * His newest books you may find here: https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3AMoshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&s=relevancerank&text=Moshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1