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Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Psychology, Medicine, Science, Politics, Oppression, Integrity, Philosophy, Jews -- For those who like their news and truths frank and sharp

The fallacy and dangers of ‘You made me angry’

Anger could be humanity’s mental Achilles’ heel and undoing

Mistakes

The main error is embedded in many languages as if someone else could anger you. “He pressed my buttons.” Unless you’re a dishwasher, that’s impossible. The only, sole, rare individual who can make you angry is you.

This statement of reality is not to heap blame or guilt onto you but to empower you. With training, only you will decide if you’d get angry.

The most popular excuse to make ourselves angry is because we’re facing off with someone angry. “He began.” So what?

We often excuse (sometimes subconsciously) generating anger based on the assumption that the other “easily could have done better.” Yet, this is never true. Humans, if they could have, they would have done better. (Free Will is not that we could have done better but that we should have.)

Insights

“Every single human being, taking the whole situation into account, has always done the very best that she or he could do and so deserves neither blame nor reproach from anyone, including self. This, in particular, is true of you.” Scroll text by Harvey Jackins, 70 years ago. (This doesn’t mean you should not run from a violent person if you’re a people pleaser.)

We often make ourselves angry to feel powerful. Someone really downtrodden can be helped by getting a little angry. Yet, that feeling is also addictive; it feels nice. When you feel the urge, ask yourself: Are you really powerless? Stay calm and you’ll have all the power in the world.

We only wish to hurt others to feel a feeling of power (Remember, no one is more powerful than someone who can contain himself) or to force the cosmos to admit the injustice of our pain. We only want to hurt ourselves to numb our pain. Inflicted damage is always an unintended side effect.

It is easier to mend our ways when we’re not angry at ourselves about our anger. Forgive yourself. Then it becomes easier and doable to appease our victims and rebuild what we destroyed against our own best wishes.

We often exaggerate when we imagine that otherwise, no one will believe us. Then, anger easily becomes part of the mix.

Anger is an easy emotion. Especially, when we refuse to feel vulnerable.

People easily mishear others when they want to make themselves angry subconsciously. “I heard that you said it.” But, we can only know what we heard, not what was said, unless we’re a voice recorder.

Most of our distress we generate (unawarely) with the excuse that things in the present somewhat resemble traumas from our past we want to heal from. This can spell disaster when we don’t understand that what’s wrong lies in the past, not the now. But this can go really wrong with anger because it can be so destructive.

The Rabbis call anger the denial of G^d because we act as if we could have done better than what G^d served. Tell this to your children and students. It will help you eventually to give up on anger. It’s our kids’ job to show us how good we are (not yet) at not getting angry. (I don’t mean keeping in anger, but not getting angry at all.) Don’t punish them for doing their job.

When we ignore our feelings, they pile up and eventually burst forth. Instead of believing or ignoring our feelings, look at them slightly amused.

In anger, we are bound to do things we would never have done if we would have thought for a moment. So, the Catholic tradition advises us to count to ten before doing or saying something when we’re angry. The Rabbis say: “Every sin is done in an atmosphere of folly.” People don’t sin because they are bad but because they don’t think.

There might be a fundamental and important difference between blind, violent anger and non-violent, righteous indignation. The first threatens: “If you dare …, I’ll …” The second tries to prevent: “Don’t you dare.”

If with one swipe of a magic wand, we could remove all anger from the globe, 99% of all the world’s problems would have been solved.

When it’s hard not to get angry, cry. That’s almost always far less destructive. Also, there is no better insurance policy against making yourself angry than making yourself happy. Anger easily has all kinds of destructive derivates like shouting, name-calling, intimidation, beating, destroying, etc. Happiness has opposite derivates like humbleness, love, respect, acceptance, satisfaction, humor, etc. Have your pick!

There are angry people who are heavily oppressed. When they explode, they speak the truth; although at first, they may exaggerate. But if you listen empathically and don’t argue back, they will self-correct.

Then there are angry people who just rehearse oppressive stuff. Typically, you cannot snap such an angry person out of his absent-minded rage. What you could try is to change the tone or focus. Instead of the expected accusation: You shouldn’t be so violent, cheerfully asking: What have you been drinking? Or, instead of defending yourself, focus on him: I’m sorry it hurts so much. Or, amplifying his exaggerations: It’s not bad; it’s terrible!

Don’t engage with a furious person if that may increase the danger to you.

Double the Trouble

We created a double problem when we’re first making ourselves angry at someone and then blame them for ‘making us angry.’

People who ‘got’ angry are often so ashamed of it that they must blame others because that’s the only way they see to stay dignified and innocent so they double down instead of talking it out.

People attacked a lot as a child sometimes become grownups chronically on the defense/in attack mode. And then, vulnerable people remind them of their young innocent selves, which will entice them to let their old anger complete the picture. They still feel the victim and don’t notice that now it’s them who are actually re-victimizing people probably earlier victimized.

We could calm down in seconds and then deny how much hurt we caused. While, a few seconds of anger could cause a lifetime of trauma in victims. “It makes a difference on which side of the hitting stick you are.”

Publicly violent men in Israel

What is happening to my country? Spoiler alert: I have no idea. It never was like this here.

Patients and their families beating up hospital staff.
Passengers beating up bus drivers.
Road rage (in one case even deadly).

I want these men profiled. To know from where this comes. 99.999% of all men are not like that. From where comes this epidemic of anger?

About the Author
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, an almost daily blog contributor to the Times of Israel, and previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. * As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. He doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit about what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and education contribute to his visions. * If you don't know the Dutch, get an American peek behind the scenes here: https://youtu.be/QMPp6h6r72M * To find less-recent posts on subject XXX among his over 1600 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/. * Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. Yet, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people who don't deserve that. He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust, and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. * His most influential teachers (chronologically) are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. * One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. He loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, anti-elitism, anti-bigotry and supremacy, for Zionism, Intersectionality, and non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. * He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. * He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, empowering therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids non-violently. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's being a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. He lives with his library in Jerusalem. Feel free to contact him. * His writing has been made possible by a (second-generation) Holocaust survivors' allowance from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. * His newest books you may find here: https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3AMoshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&s=relevancerank&text=Moshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1
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