Minimize…With Joy

Here’s how I concluded Tuesday’s Letter this week: It’s not about thinking less of me. It’s about thinking of me less. This is easier said than done. Witness how I’m beginning today’s message by quoting myself. 

Still, doing so is increasingly important. Next week, we come face to face with our season of collective-accountability with the arrival of the Hebrew month of Av. Nine days later we’ll observe our calendar’s saddest day, when we take responsibility for the Babylonian’s incineration of Jerusalem’s Temple in 586 BCE. 

Our Sages instruct: “Enter the Month of Av, by minimizing joy.” I prefer a reading of this maxim with different punctuation that emphasizes the importance of minimizing ourselves in healthy ways. Read it instead: “Entering the Month of Av, we minimize our egos, and if we do this effectively, such humility brings quiet joy.”

One of the surest ways to think about yourself less is to focus on the heart-rates of others.

When a friend or coworker tells you “That hurt,” it’s okay to ask them to clarify the pain they’re feeling. Thank them for their candor, then ask: “Can you tell me what it felt like? Was it like a pinch? Stepping on a lego? Or whacking your head on an open cabinet door?” Asking with sincerity can show that you’re seeking a deeper empathy for what they’re feeling. We learn in Pirke Avot, “Don’t look at the jar, but rather at what’s inside it.” (4:20). 

To be clear, minimizing isn’t about self-erasure. Self-care and self-interest can be very good for us and for those around us. Take yourself less seriously. Instead, take what you do seriously. And what you do for others most seriously.