More Human. Not Less

“It’s difficult to persuade anyone of anything when the only interest you have in them is in persuading them of something.” Tara Westover’s point seems self-evident. Still, if you’re like me, knowing this doesn’t curb your efforts to be persuasive. After all, the worthiness of your position merits more sway. 

But what about the worthiness of the person you’re in conversation with? Are they merely a vote you want to win? When they are, they know it and they let you know by doubling down on their view. 

Is there a better way? Perhaps. It does require more effort and sincerity on your part. It involves getting to know them better. Asking. Listening. Learning something from them. It’s not just that they see things you don’t see. It’s also that they feel fears and pains you don’t feel. When you spend more time taking an interest in them, they return the favor. Each of you becomes more than some clip-board holding stranger looking for another signature.  

This week’s portion of Torah specializes in persuasion. By negative example, that is. It’s a master class in how destructive debate happens. A self-aggrandizing revolt by Korach against Moses gets dramatically defeated. By contrast, the sages promote the mode of Hillel. He’d reliably dignify his opponent, founding the ideal of dignified disagreement. By locating virtue in the holder of a view – especially when you believe that view to be mistaken – you end up deposited on higher ground, which is the opposite of where Korach’s cohort ends up (Num. 16:30ff).

To be clear, we’re not talking about those who seek to defame, blame, or erase us. Quite the opposite. We’re talking about people of good will. 

Maybe even somebody you know well. A dignifying approach might sound like this: “The strength of your feelings about this is impressing me. A lot. You’re always honest and take great care to express what’s in your heart. I’ve long admired this about you. So, which do you think makes you more upset, the wrong direction where things are headed, or the negligence of those driving it there?’”

Even when you aren’t persuasive, you’re still promoting something edifying. Endearing. And in treating people more like humans and not less, something tender and lasting is born.