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Moving Past Your Trauma
You Can’t Expect to be Victor
If You’re Living with Victim Mentality
How do you move on with your life if someone hurt you? If long ago, someone took advantage of you, are you doomed to forever remain a victim?
The spirituality of our faith empowers us to move past our trauma by opening our eyes to the broader horizon. When we lift our sights to see past the problem and see the full picture, we are sometimes able to lighten our load and move on with our lives, unencumbered by shame or guilt.
On the afternoon of November 2, 2015, kosher supervisor Daniel Cohen, was minding his own business at a bus stop near Tel Aviv when his world was suddenly rocked. He felt an arm grabbing his neck from behind and stabbing him forcefully in the back. An Arab terrorist was trying to murder him and he quickly fell unconscious.
When he awoke many hours later in the Asaf Harofeh hospital, he was informed of the emergency surgery he had undergone in order to spare his life. During the operation, the surgeon had discovered a malignant, life-threatening tumor above his intestines. The tumor was removed during the surgery, and his life was saved. It turned out, he was told, that the stabber had effectively saved his life!
While facing trial in Jerusalem, the audacious terrorist, may his name be erased, asked to be allowed to read a few verses from the end of the Book of Genesis (50:19-21) aloud in front of the judge:
“But Yosef said to them, ‘Don’t be afraid, for am I instead of G-d? Indeed, you intended evil against me, [but] G-d designed it for good, in order to bring about what is at present to keep a great populace alive. So now do not fear. I will sustain you and your small children.’”
His reading was from this week’s Torah portion in which Joseph, by then Prime Minister of Egypt, faces his abusers—his brothers who had sold him into slavery. Instead of exacting sweet revenge, in a stunning drama Joseph declares to them that his troubles were all part of a Divine master plan. It was not his brothers who had sold him here, it was G-d who had sent him to Egypt—to sustain mankind with his brilliant economic strategy. By comparing himself to the brothers of Joseph, the brazen terrorist was effectively asking the judge not only to absolve his crime, but also to reward him for saving the life of his victim!
Though the story pushes the limits of chutzpah to new heights, we can’t help but reflect on how we might apply such a perspective to our own traumas.
Former Chief Rabbi of the United Hebrew Congregations of the Commonwealth, Jonathan Sacks, believed that Joseph actually forgave his brothers for their crime—click here. I respectfully disagree with him. Not even once does the Torah state that Joseph actually forgave his brothers for what they had done to him. Had Joseph actually forgiven his brothers, they would not have had to plead for his forgiveness seventeen years later, right after their father Jacob was buried.
“They sent word to Joseph, saying, ‘Your father left these instructions before he died: This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers for the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly. Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the G‑d of your father.’ When their message came to him, Joseph wept.” (Gen. 50: 16-18)
Joseph was able to use his powerful faith to move past his abuse. But that didn’t mean that his abusers were off the hook. Yes—G-d is in control of every detail of our lives and everything that happens to us is part of his Divine Plan—but man has free will to choose whether he will be the executioner of G-d’s plan or G-d will have to find some other willing agent.
Two Jewish entrepreneurs also happened to be chassidim of the Alter Rebbe. In the late eighteenth century there were business partners in a vodka distillery that wasn’t following all the legal codes of the time. When the authorities were close to discovering the crime, one of the partners proactively “sang” as he placed the entire blame on the other partner, who was promptly imprisoned. When he was eventually released, the victim learned that his unscrupulous partner was also in prison at that time for unrelated charges. Instead of being happy, the victim sought out the wife and children of his tormentor and made sure to provide all of their needs until their breadwinner was released from prison.
Instead of harboring resentment, this noble chossid exhibited great faith—seeing his imprisonment as part of his destiny instead of choosing to remain a victim of his abuser. This approach doesn’t mean that he forgave his tormentor, only that he refused to allow him to control him.
My favorite example of this mindset is the brilliant King David, who was once humiliated in public by Shimi ben Geira, the head of the Sanhedrin. Instead of reacting with indignation and anger, King David denied his general Avishai ben Tzeruyah the permission to avenge the indignity. In an unbelievable show of magnanimity, the king refuses to blame his abuser as he declared “For G-d is the one who has made him curse David” (Samuel II 16:10). Though he refused to define himself as a victim, David nevertheless never forgave Shimi for his behavior. On his deathbed, he instructed his son, King Solomon, to use his wisdom to exact punishment upon Shimi.
Some people love being victims because they love being able to blame someone else. Victim mentality will have you dance with the devil and then complain that you are in hell. It’s much easier to be a victim of circumstance, but it’s not better. It’s hard to overcome—but it brings so much goodness!
Are you able to do the same? Can you find the strength to divest yourself of the pain, even if you can’t forgive? Maturity is working through your trauma and refusing to let it be an excuse for poor behavior. No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path to healing.
Rabbi Dovid Vigler
Chabad of Palm Beach Gardens
6100 PGA Blvd, Palm Beach Gardens, FL 33418
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