Musings of a Miluimnik – a Tale of Cognitive Dissonance

If these thoughts come across as convoluted, even confused – that’s because they are. No one can make sense of Israel’s impossible predicament – not the prime minister, not the innumerable pundits, and certainly not me. So I won’t bother trying. What I will do is present to you my thoughts, my feelings, as they come in rapid-fire succession. 

So here we go. 

• I feel like my 5 and a half months of service were still not enough. That I know so many people who are doing more. Including my team who are at the moment in Gaza while I am not. 
• I feel understanding at those who don’t do miluim because everyone has their own story, their own struggles, their own reasons. 
• I feel angry at those who don’t even bother to pretend that they should play a role whatsoever in the shared burden of tangible service. 
• I feel like I did my fair share. I was picking up body parts ten years ago, before it became mainstream. 
• I feel (briefly) “jealous” of those who are in Lebanon now, because that’s the sexy place, that’s where the action is. Gaza is no longer the “cool” place it used to be. 
• I feel horrified at what I just felt. What are you stupid??!?!? This isn’t cool, it’s life or death. It’s petrifying. 
• I feel “lucky” that my health concerns complicate my military service. It’s a nice excuse to pin the whirlpool of feelings on. 
• I feel like military service is in a way, defending my family. But as my wife tells me, how does it help her if I leave her to raise two children, including one with special needs – on her own? 
• I feel like she won’t really be on her own. Because she has family to help in these most impossible of situations. And because in those most terrible of moments, we are all in this together. 
• I feel like I’m just telling myself that as a means of self-comfort
• I feel like all around the country, this impossible dynamic is being played out time and time again. 
• I feel like all around the country, far worse dynamics are also being played out.
• I feel like this will never end. I feel exhausted to my core.
• But at least I feel, and I live to feel, to fight, to love another day.