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Peter Biro
Knowledge, Experience and Limitless Internal Beauty

New Insights into the Epidemiology of Congenital Diseases

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An explosive article has been published in the December issue of Proceedings on Chronic Diseases with Fatal Outcomes, the prestigious monthly journal of the Medical University of Pitipalki. In this groundbreaking piece, researchers put forth a bold and unsettling thesis: life itself is a sexually transmitted, chronic disease with a fatal prognosis.

The research team, led by me, presents irrefutable evidence supporting this revolutionary hypothesis. Particularly alarming are the latest findings from mortality statistics, which, according to us, show an almost 100% lethality rate—albeit with widely varying timelines. Due to this overwhelming data, the condition is now being classified under the technical term vita autolimitans. This category encompasses everything from stillbirths to deaths in extreme old age. As is typical for chronic diseases, the course of vita autolimitans can be prolonged—sometimes spanning many decades. The publication even documents rare cases in which individuals suffered from this affliction for over a century before finally succumbing to its life-threatening complications.

Of course, the precise cause of death—whether choking on an apple core, drowning in a birdbath, or being run over by a golf cart—is secondary. These are merely the final punctuation marks in a relentless decline of vital energy. In vita autolimitans, it is the overall pattern of deterioration that determines both prognosis and classification.

We emphasize that there is strong evidence suggesting the disease is sexually transmitted. After decades of fruitless attempts to identify a pathogenic agent, we have made a breakthrough—ironically, in the laboratories of a neighboring fertility clinic. There, we identified the culprits responsible for this global pandemic: microscopic protozoa equipped with a flagellum for mobility, which use sexually mature women as intermediate hosts. While the exact mechanism remains unclear, other researchers have noted a suspiciously high correlation between candlelit dinners with smooth jazz and subsequent infections. Encouraged by these findings, our Medical Faculty has dedicated an entire research department to simulation experiments in an effort to resolve remaining uncertainties.

The infection triggers a rapid, tumor-like growth in the host’s abdominal region. After approximately nine months, the several-pound, compact mass is violently expelled. At this moment, the true patient embarks on a lifelong struggle with an inevitably terminal outcome. Meanwhile, the host soon becomes susceptible to reinfection.

Comparative studies from Cincinnati and Glasgow have shown that administering breast milk and other calorie-rich substances can prevent or at least significantly delay early infant mortality. These findings are further supported by anthropological studies of indigenous populations in South America and in the surroundings of Leicester. Currently, no other effective treatments exist. However, regular nutrition and warmth appear to significantly prolong the patient’s survival, allowing them to outgrow the care of neonatologists and pediatricians, only to become the concern of adult and geriatric medicine.

As vita autolimitans progresses, it manifests in different forms and degrees of severity. Early symptoms include tooth growth and eventual loss, followed by pubertal abnormalities frequently accompanied by behavioral disturbances, defiance, a feigned sense of omniscience, and repeated failures in math exams. Flat feet and other musculoskeletal misalignments are also common in this stage—harbingers of more severe future complications.

Due to the disease’s high transmissibility, the risk of infecting others increases significantly by the end of the second decade of life. Nevertheless, isolating infected individuals has never gained traction, as the full-scale infection of the global population is already an established fact. Additional complications arise from excessive consumption of stimulants and an obsessive pursuit of success in competition with fellow sufferers. Many patients fall victim to acute greed and status anxiety, often engaging in rash behavior that dramatically accelerates their otherwise slow demise.

In the so-called maturation stage, degenerative symptoms such as back pain, varicose veins, and other discomforts become increasingly common. While these are rarely immediately fatal, they serve as ominous signposts pointing toward the inevitable destination: the chilly embrace of the grave, where yet another vacancy opens in the local cemetery. Before reaching this point, critical organs—including the heart, kidneys, liver, and prostate—begin their gradual resignation from service. Speaking of cemeteries—have you selected your burial plot yet? If not, you may want to act quickly, as prime locations are scarce and prices continue to rise. For more information, click the complimentary, non-binding link at the end of this article.

Now, back to the final stage of vita autolimitans. This phase is characterized by severe joint wear, diminishing sensory perception, and fading memory. These symptoms provide medical professionals and caregivers with a steady stream of job security while additionally offering them the sobering realization that they, too, will eventually reach this stage.

It is worth mentioning that the author of this article was deeply involved in researching the root causes of this condition. Years of fieldwork in clubhouses, restaurants, and entertainment districts have evidently paid off. The groundbreaking findings from our research team not only culminated in the aforementioned seminal article in Proceedings on Chronic Diseases with Fatal Outcomes—they also earned the lead researchers the prestigious Maxim Krusewitzky Award for Outstanding Contributions to the Study of Severe Illness and Poor Dietary Habits at last year’s TA-DAA! Ceremony (see Figure 1).

As a final note, the upcoming issue of Proceedings on Interesting Alternative Sexual Behavior will feature an enlightening study on the risks of physical intimacy with cacti. The article promises to dispel many misconceptions about this allegedly fulfilling use of succulents.

About the Author
As a single child of Shoa survivors, Peter emigrated from socialist Romania to Germany in 1970. Two decades later he moved to Switzerland, where he worked as a Senior Physician and Professor of Anesthesiology until his retirement in 2022. He occasionally writes satirical short stories in German literature magazines and in Romanian for the Transylvanian online journal Baabel.ro. He also published books about his childhood memories from socialist Romania in the 60ies and 70ies as well as several collections of satirical short stories. For Peter, humor is a vital substance whose importance is surpassed only by oxygen, water and vanilla pudding.
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