Notice, contain, and then reverse course

“I don’t like who I’m becoming” is a phrase I’ve been hearing a lot from people lately. Then they go on to clarify. “I’m finding myself becoming angrier. Or more distressed.” A day doesn’t go by without their newsfeeds sending them into tailspins. Well, noticing is a huge first step.

It’s important to give emotions their due. But it’s also important not to let them define your essence. When I’m feeling mad or sad, those feelings pass through me. They don’t define me. There’s a vital difference between being angry and becoming identified as an angry person. Between an experience you’re having and who you’re becoming. Containment is step two.

I’ve been surprised by how apt the Psalm for this new month of Elul feels. It says things like: “Don’t give me over to the breath of my fears. For distortions have risen up in the name of truth, they breathe out visions of destruction (hamas)” (Ps. 27:12).

This week’s portion has something interesting to say about acquiring new skills and new insights. Prepare yourself for the Torah you will, in the future, teach and be taught (asher yorucha) (Deut. 17:10,11). That is, things you don’t yet know and skills you don’t yet have, you will figure out. Up ahead for you, is acquiring skills and insights that can keep you sane and safe and morally strong. 

I replied to somebody just today, who said she didn’t like who she was becoming. “That’s a good thing”. Her puzzled look invited me to clarify. “It’s a good thing because your not-liking it is a form of resistance. It means you know this isn’t who you want to be and you need to figure out how to put it in reverse.” The good news? You don’t have to do it alone.  

Our season’s Psalm concludes with a twist. The letters for the word Elul, our current month, are put in reverse order (lule), meaning “If only I could believe” (Ps. 27:13). For me, this hints at a recipe for noticing, containing, and reversing course. Belief, trust in God is what can help you trust yourself to recognize that feeling-fully enables you to feel something entirely different, just as fully. Like doing deeds that make you an agent-of-hope. And that’s a lot more worthy of your identity.