Obama and Israel — BFFS 4-Ever!

The clock is ticking. In just a few short weeks, (the length of most of his vacations), Barack Hussein Obama’s two terms of providing “hope and change” to America will come to an end.

While most outgoing US presidents spend their last days in the White House winding down, tying up loose ends, perhaps – I don’t know – packing, the Obamas who, over the past eight years have reportedly spent an estimated $85,000,000 on holidays and who, at this writing, are vacationing in Hawaii, aren’t done.

Though he has vehemently denied that the United States had any involvement in the recent United Nations resolution, please don’t forget that this is the same man who said, “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor,” thinks the United States prospered under his administration, and that the only thing he hasn’t blamed Hillary Clinton’s historic loss on is the alignment of the zodiac.

He may deny that he’s out to get the Jewish State of Israel, but that’s like Hillary Clinton denying — well, pretty much everything everything’s she’s denied. Word on my street is that before he lets that White House door — slam — on January 20, 2017, he plans to sign into law, via executive order, of course, the following…

All Israeli Jews will immediately evacuate the land they now occupy — that’s right, I said it. We have plenty of room for them in the United States, particularly in New York and Boca Raton, Florida. They will be given immediate refugee status and welcomed here. And don’t believe what you may have read about the MS St. Louis being turned away from our shores during World War II, which is part of a vast right wing conspiracy. And remember — Israel doesn’t know who its best interests are — right, Kerry?

I have directed my Director of Homeland Security, Jeh Johnson, to add the following names to the Terrorist Watch List:

  1. Ruchel
  2. Yakov
  3. Matisyahu
  4. Mogen David
  5. Jerry Seinfeld
  6. Dreidel

As of January 1, 2017, I decree that all heretofore non-kosher foods — i.e., pork belly, shrimp, scallops, ham sandwiches — to be kosher. No more Mock Moo Shu Pork — now when you break your Yom Kippur fast with Chinese food,you can do it with real Lobster Cantonese! (To all of my Halal friends out there — I can’t really do this, so ixnay on the bacon).

I have signed iron-clad legislation to move Boro Park, Brooklyn to Guantanamo Bay. I tried to close it. I released all of those “misguided” detainees you back to their own Muslim countries, where they will be rehabilitated — cough, cough… Those Brooklyn Jews’ll be fine at Gitmo — it’s like Miami Beach without BINGO or early bird dinners.

I, Barack Hussein Obama, grant to those Jews who are defined by your more radical brothers as self-loathing Jews, honorary status as goyim, though we know who you are, Anna Wintour, Vogue “shiksa…”

If you like your Jewish holidays, you can keep them. Period. Oh — but wait a minute… I didn’t mean that… In fact, today, as your president I am declaring no more Rosh Hashanah. You see — this is one of the reasons many Americans are anti-Semitic confused by your religion. Heck, Jewish New Year? Now, how inclusive is that? And besides, We already have a New Year here in America. We even have a “Dick Clark’s Rock an Roll New Year’s Eve” with Ryan Seacrest, which makes no sense at all. Why isn’t there one African-American host on New Year’s Eve shows? You can’t get whiter than Anderson Cooper. But he supported me, and he is a Vanderbilt. Ch-ching! So he can have his show and he can keep it. Period. And btw, Chanukah?  Fire hazard.

I support and will implement moving the capital of Israel from Tel Aviv. To Saskatoon, Saskatchewan Province, Canada. Wait — no — that’s too close to the USA and I know that Trudeau guy isn’t a lover of Israel, so he could retaliate. But, what the heck — there are like three great golf courses in almost 4 million square miles of vast, bleak, under-populated Canada. What are they going to do — lace our water with maple syrup?

By the power vested in me by as the coolest president ever — I have contacted Merriam-Webster, who have agreed to chang the definition of the word Zionism, from: “a worldwide Jewish movement that resulted in the establishment and development of the state of Israel,” to “a Jewish misperception that, just because Israel is their G-d given country and just because 25 Muslim other countries attacked them, resulting in the Six-Day and Yom Kippur Wars (how did we those other countries lose? I still can’t figure it out), and though these countries tried to reason with Israel, sending presents of rocks and stones and people willing to blow themselves up to show how sorry  they were, Israel thinks the land is theirs, but it’s not.”   Just ask the UN.  Na-na-na-na-na!

About the Author
Mollie Fermaglich is a political satirist and humor writer and has written for several publications including The New York Times, London Times, King Features Syndicate, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Mademoiselle, The Times of Israel, and many other newspapers and magazines. Additionally, she has written extensively for television and film, including writing for CBS, Nickelodeon, Disney, Paramount, Jane Startz Productions, and was a nominee for a Writer's Guild of America Award.