Of War and Spotify

I was just talking to a fellow lone soldier mom friend, her son is in his mandatory service and has been in and out of Gaza for, well forever. Recently his commander let him use his phone to call his parents. When my friend answered she jumped right into a conversation with him about how her Spotify had stopped working. Her soldier son had set it up for her when he was home, and she wanted his help to somehow retrieve it. The conversation about Spotify went on for most of their time on the phone, and then it was time for him to go. My friend was lamenting to me –‘How did I not ask how he was doing, what’s wrong with me?’  – ‘Why did I just launch into him helping me fix my Spotify?’  – ‘His commander must have thought we were nuts!’

I joked with her that maybe his commander thought ‘Spotify’ was a family code word for something! But then seriously I told her that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her, maybe this is just how our brain works to protect us. It could be this was a defense mechanism for her, and maybe he was more than fine not talking about the war or how he was feeling.

I see and read a lot about how we should talk to our soldiers. There are Zoom seminars and articles reminding us not to push them, to let them talk and just listen. And then there are the forums and groups I’m in with lone soldier parents always asking what’s the right thing to say to our soldiers when they’re ‘in’ and also once they’re ‘out’.

My sons, like so many others, were called up for reserve duty on October 7^th. Our youngest son was the first to call to tell us that he’d been called up and didn’t know when he would be able to talk again; that morning at 4am we were too stunned to even think about the ‘right’ thing to say. A couple of days later my youngest son called again, this time to say that he only had his phone for a few minutes because they were going on a mission, and everyone was calling their families. Being my fourth lone soldier and my second war, I could read between the lines and understood. So, what do you say, what can you say, what are the ‘right’ words? I don’t really remember what I told him beyond stay safe and I love you. But after we hung up, I remember wondering if I had said the right thing, if he knew through whatever words I’d said that I loved him beyond measure and I just wanted him to be safe, unharmed, ok.

Now more than a year into this awful, terrible, no good, very bad war, with three sons doing multiple rounds of reserve duty both in the north and south I cherish every call. And being thousands of miles away I especially love when they are ‘out’, and I get a video call. Now after two and three rounds of reserve duty I know when they finish a round, they need some time to decompress and reacclimate. So, when I talk to them, I try to talk about normal everyday stuff. But because they’re so far away and I can’t lay eyes on them or hug them, I’m extra vigilant about how they sound, if they respond to texts, and how often we talk. I know they’re going through something that I can’t understand and while they have me, their dad and each other to talk to and be listening ears, they need more than just family support or the ‘right’ words.

Thankfully, and in my opinion long overdue, it seems the IDF is finally taking the mental health of our soldiers seriously. In addition, there are numerous organizations helping to provide counseling and therapy for our soldiers. I’m blessed to not only be there for my own soldiers, but in my job as Director of the Michael Levin Lone Soldier Foundation I can be a resource and support to other lone soldier parents and their soldiers, helping them find the care that they need. This will be a very long road for so many.

I am definitely breathing a little easier for the moment since all my sons are currently ‘out’. But if the past year plus has taught me anything it’s that I have to try to embrace this time because we don’t know what’s just around the corner. So, for now, the only thing I know for sure is that I will keep telling them and showing them that I love them and support them. And then I just pray that whenever I’m able to talk to them that I say, and they hear the ‘right’ words.