One Woman’s Perspective
Comforting a mourner
Knowing what to say is not always easy. Comforting the bereaved is difficult. I don’t remember anyone in particular who might have said the wrong thing. For me it’s only looking back that makes me think ‘Hey, that is not helpful’. I’ve reached the point of forgiveness. I’m glad they don’t know. I’m glad they were awkward and in trying to say something, anything, they came up short. If they knew what to say, then they would know, know pain and know tragedy. I’m grateful for those that are not part of this miserable “club”. Imagine membership in an organization that you didn’t know existed. Only after paying the highest price are you allowed to enter. Imagine.
A death by suicide doesn’t have a protocol. It’s not like any other and each death stands on its own. When you know 1 person who has died by suicide, your experience is that 1 death. You know 1 case, 1 person, 1 death. You have knowledge in that 1 and that 1 only, if that.
The aftermath of suicide can leave a lot of questions: what happened? Why today? Did you have any idea? Were there indications? How did they do it? Did they suffer? All of these should not be asked. These are things that may come up but the answers should not be sought out.
What to say or do for the bereaved
Instead of asking ‘what do you need’ say ‘I’m free on this day, let’s meet up and I’ll be available for you.’
I had someone who came to the shiva ask me ‘do you need me to come tomorrow?’ I said ‘No, I don’t. I thought to myself I’m not even sure why you came today.
This person was at my door and on the phone and I heard her say into the receiver ‘I’m at the shiva house now, I’ll call you later. I was no longer Aviva, I was no longer a friend but somewhere along the line I became an obligation. I was something to check off her to-do list and I haven’t heard from her since.
We’re all guilty of it. We are caught off guard, the silence overwhelms us and we feel something is better than nothing. In this case, nothing is what’s called for. Let the griever direct the conversation. If you have nothing to add, so be it, add nothing. David Kessler, known for his books and his expertise in the field of grief, ‘www.grief.com, has stated that grief needs to be witnessed. Let the griever talk. Don’t fill in the blanks. Words may not flow, maybe the person just needs to sit and cry in the presence of others. Maybe the person just needs to sit.
The time will come when the bereaved wants to get up and maybe take a walk, buy some food at the store, window shop, this is when you will be needed. The beginning is the time that the mourner learns what they need. It could be long before that is known, to start the mourner may not even have an understanding of what they need. It may change. It may seem erratic. In an upside down life, anything goes. As long as what is desired does not hurt the mourner or anyone else, that is the benchmark, that is the bar and the line that can’t be crossed.
If you are the bereaved
Self care is critical. You can’t be there for anyone else if you’re not there for yourself. Even when you’re traveling and crisis hits, you’re instructed to put your oxygen mask on first before you can assist anyone else. It’s the same in this crisis. If you are not taken care of, then what chance does anyone else have? It’s crucial, it’s critical.
For others
If the person is important in your life, be there for them in their time of need. Let them be your guide. If they aren’t giving you cues to go by, then just be there. Being able to look around and see a friendly, familiar face in a time of need is worth more than anything you could come up with.
I once heard someone say the best thing they heard was when someone said, ‘there are no words’. Well, this response irked a different griever. She thought, that’s not good enough, there are words, find the right ones. It’s only recently that I overheard someone else say what I feel is all-encompassing when he uttered, ‘there aren’t enough words to say’. It’s a rocky road to navigate. Some will be comforted, some will feel let down and still others will believe no one understands them, either way, the bottom line is to be there.
