One Woman’s Perspective
The blog below contains words about suicide. Although not graphic, some may find it activating. Please move past the following if there is any doubt.
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It seems all my life I’ve spent waiting, watching and waiting, never doing. I can’t think of anything I’ve set out to do and done. Well that’s not entirely true but it’s definitely not my default. I used to have an email that included the letter X and the number 7. That’s the number of things I started but hadn’t completed, at the time. Now decades later I’m not even sure what number I’m up to.
Motherhood was something I thought would be the one thing that if I started there would be no option, no choice but to complete it. I didn’t foresee all the possibilities. Never did I realize or consider the idea that the children would have a vote while I’d have no veto. Never did I think one could and would choose to leave. The opening for an American TV show starts with a song with the words to the effect that suicide is painless, well not always and definitely not for those left behind. For those left there is nothing but pain,uncertainty and sorrow. After seven years, I can’t account for much. I almost lost his surviving brothers. I’ve lost their father as a thinking, competent partner. I’ve lost friends because either they didn’t know how to deal with me, they said the wrong thing or I didn’t want to let them in. I lost my path in life, but it’s not about me.
Back to the one that left
My son Josh cherry-picked some philosophers who themselves lived to a ripe old age. These particular philosophers claimed that it is the right of an individual to take their own life. One even made the claim that it doesn’t harm anyone! Maybe the philosophers were commenting about the concept of “dying with dignity”? I think that’s entirely different. I don’t know why Josh left. I have a lot of unanswered questions. I imagine that when a death is prearranged, when someone chooses the option of “dying with dignity”, friends, family and loved ones have an indication of what’s happening , what’s going to happen. Although preparedness is not enough, it’s something. Maybe that’s why we should live like it’s our last day. I’ve tried that, but again another story.
The Past
Sudden and suspicious death is what my work life entailed. It’s what I studied, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be. I studied Forensic Science back in the ’90s and I worked for the Medical Examiner’s Office, but that too is another story. Death seemed to surround me and I embraced it. Working in the Medical Examiner’s Office seems like another me, it’s otherworldly now. Of course, we had suicides but they were just part of the days work load. They were names and numbers on a docket. I worked with a woman who once asked me “What do you think this person did for a living?” “No, no,” I told her. I can’t look at them like that. They are no longer alive. Maybe from natural causes, a car accident, by the hand of another, even by the hand of a loved one and even still by their own hand. I remember a few; the Russian woman who was brought over illegally and her “exporters” wanted more money or they would harm her family. The 12 year old girl who was on the honor roll but was failing Spanish. Her farewell letter was amazingly in Spanish. The 80 something year old man who lived in chronic pain and just wanted it to stop. The 40 something year old man who had surgery to restrict his caloric intake and lost over 100lbs yet didn’t want to continue if he couldn’t eat whatever he wanted. And the 8 year old boy who was losing his 4.0 average by failing gym and couldn’t face what would come next. These are only a small section of an even smaller subsect of people from a small place in the larger scheme of the world. Looking back now I see that there isn’t always a cause and effect. Some who take their life hide their intentions. Some wear a mask and everything seems okay. They may even say it, “I’m ok, don’t worry, I’d never do anything to harm myself.” No one can see the despair that lies within. Back then, I couldn’t allow myself to think about their struggles but now I have nothing but time so I think, I remember. I have nothing but the thoughts in my head.
The Unknown
Although the majority of suicides are due to mental illness not all are; not those I listed above and not my son.
My son, Josh, had a philosophical issue, an existential crisis. He would ask “What are we here for?” “Why are we here?” “Where are the prophets?”“What does it all mean?” Well who hasn’t asked themselves that question?! I mistakenly thought it was typical teenage angst. I mistakenly thought there would be a cause and effect. But what happened? What did he go through that brought him to the end? Sometimes, it’s just life. Life is what we have and we can choose what to do with it. Having free will doesn’t just give one the choice to leave, it also gives the path to life. If there is only one reason to stay, stay for the future you. Things may be difficult now, it may seem unbearable but good always follows bad, you just have to wait for it. No one knows what will be but you need to be around to find out…Stay.
