Our Kids Should be in Shul

A version of this post appeared in Lindsey Bodner’s Substack newsletter, The Intentional Jewish Family. 

Most Orthodox parents want to raise children who are Jewishly literate and attached to the values and practices that define observant Jewish life, including attendance at Shabbat services. Schools, camps, and shuls certainly contribute to that formation, but they cannot replace parents. Across North American communities, I’ve noticed a growing gap between what we hope our children will internalize and the responsibility we, as parents, take upon ourselves to make those aspirations a reality. One expression of this gap appears in how children participate in shul.

The most effective foundations are set early. It shouldn’t, but does, feel a little transgressive to suggest that children should daven in the main sanctuary on Shabbat alongside their parents. In many Israeli communities and in past generations, it is—or was—the norm for children to pray next to their parents, but in most communities in the US, this is the exception rather than the norm.

While I encourage all parents to consider how davening in shul might work for their families, for those with neurodivergent children, families managing medical challenges, single parents, and parents with newborns, this expectation may simply not be possible, or it may need to be modified. Likewise, not all shul layouts are created equal. Nevertheless, I believe a change in mindset and adjustments in action for many families would pay dividends.

Shul groups, babysitting, and staying home are great options for parents of toddlers or preschoolers, but as children get older, the normative goal should be moving toward davening with the community. Having participated in conceptualizing and executing a number of shul groups across a swath of large and small, in-town and out-of-town shuls, I have heard parents of older children say things like, “The most important thing is that kids have fun at shul.” At the risk of sounding shrill, I want to suggest—firmly—that this is wrong. Past preschool age, having fun and making positive associations with being at shul should no longer be the primary goal.

The purpose of attending services is not entertainment. Of course there is uplift to be had in tefillah and elsewhere—sometimes there is an inspirational speaker, a nourishing chat with a friend, or a top-notch kiddush—but those are not the reasons we go. We go to commune with Hashem, to fulfill the obligation of tefillah b’tzibbur, and because we believe there is spiritual power in regular communal prayer. Sometimes the experience feels transcendent; other weeks, we’d rather sleep in. We go anyway because we understand the benefits that accumulate from showing up regularly.

Most adults intuitively know this about their own practice, yet parents can be surprisingly laissez-faire about what they expect from their children in shul.

Positive associations do matter developmentally for children, however we are shortchanging our children if we stop there. Shema and Put the Chicken in the Pot are sweet for the littlest community members, but they do not constitute age-appropriate education for a seven- or a ten-year-old. Of course, some groups are done beautifully, and provide support for parents, basic tefilot, parsha learning, and fun social dynamics. However, even with the most rigorous, most intentional, kids’ groups, parents are ultimately responsible for their children’s learning and values acquisition. As children grow, the goal should be participation in the main shul services—not an indefinite extension of playtime or age silos from preschool through young adulthood. A parent should ask themself, is my child becoming prepared to join the congregation, or are they merely occupied elsewhere? Would they recognize the prayers and be able to join?

Bring them into shul one week, and you’ll have the answer.

At its core, the goal is not just behavioral but formational: children begin to understand where they fit in Jewish life by standing with the community itself. Even if they daven in school, Shabbat tefillah is quantitatively and qualitatively different—it is communal and intergenerational. A child who regularly experiences that rhythm alongside their parents absorbs something kids’ groups can’t replicate: a sense of belonging.

Consider the memories a child makes standing with their father or mother before Hashem with the community each week. Providing a child with this kind of experiential education is a gift. Through family action, the child learns parental values. They learn not only that their parents believe in showing up, but that the child’s presence is valued.

Once we understand that as the “why,” the “how” becomes an exercise in gentle, steady practice.

The following are age appropriate expectations:

• Children ages 4-6 stay in services through the Shema. As they move through those years, they begin to follow in the siddur, stand and sit with the congregation.
• Children 7-10 stay through Torah reading, each year building. E.g. a second grader stays through the first aliya; the following year through the third, etc.
• Children 11+ build to be in shul for the whole service

This requires preparation and patience. Before shul, parents should set expectations: quiet, respectful davening, standing and sitting with the congregation, following along, and staying until the agreed-upon part of the service or time. If the child asks to leave early, becomes overly distracted, or complains, parents can troubleshoot based on what they know about their child—but I suggest adding time, not subtracting it.

No one should expect perfection at the start; the key is keep trying and to make small adjustments in messaging or seating as needed. Some families will need brief breaks, or may split time between parents or between shul and groups. Greeting congregants or helping set up kiddush can also work when long stretches of sitting are hard for child or parent. I am not suggesting an all-or-nothing approach, but a shift in parental psychology and practice toward meaningful participation in shul—specifically, davening with the community.

There is no shortage of excuses: Shabbat is Mom’s morning to sleep in. I’m not really a “davener.” My son doesn’t have the zitsfleish. They want to be with their friends. Sometimes we arrive late. She’s a teenager, and I don’t want a power struggle.

All the excuses boil down to one: This sounds like too much effort.

While the emotional and logistical load on parents is real, I believe this particular effort is worth it. This is a chance to articulate—through action—what we mean by avodat Hashem, togetherness, and communal responsibility. Kal v’chomer, families seeking to raise observant, shul-going adults should make this effort. In Yekum Purkan, we pray that our children will never stray from the path of Torah. We make financial sacrifices to send children to camp, day school, and yeshiva or seminary. Of all the demands we shoulder as parents, bringing them into the service with us ought to be one of the least complicated.

Our children have more choice in their lives than perhaps any generation before them, but expectations can be grounding. They provide structure, clarity, and the dignity of responsibility. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is Jewish literacy and a sense that they belong in the sanctuary with the tzibur.

This requires us, as parents, to stick with it and model what we expect: arrive on time, daven ourselves, help them find their place, whisper what’s coming next. When they do well, we should tell them so. Let them feel that they are rising to something meaningful.

Because they are.