Overdoing support

We’re in a world awash with people who need help in whatever capacity. But it’s vital to differentiate between those who need help and those who want to use others as unpaid emotional labor, for example. As emotional punching bags without giving anything in return. It isn’t always about the money. Sometimes, it’s about our energy. And there are a lot of energy vampires around. Some of these energy vampires have mental conditions and they aren’t bad people. They need our support. Our support can make them feel valued and give them purpose, sure. Setting healthy boundaries is key, particularly in some mental conditions where people just want you to be their trophy, so to speak.

They want to be with you all the time. If you let them cross the line, they are going to walk all over you. That’s why setting boundaries is vital. Expect the other person to be angry, to be combative, stalker-ish, but if you persist, they will learn you aren’t available 24/7. And that’s a good thing, because one of the things they must learn is that, yes, you’re there to help them, love them and support them, but it doesn’t mean you’re there every time they snap their fingers and voila. Magic. What you’ll find is that knowing when to say no is going to make them respect you. If you’re available all the time, if you are the one always reaching out, they’ll have nothing but contempt for you rather than gratitude. Mark my words.. That’s how it works, doesn’t it? When someone or something is just out of reach, tantalizing, we tend to value that person, service, whatever it is, more.

Sometimes, when you don’t want to support someone all the time, you’re going to be called all sorts of nasty names by people who rarely understand these labels. For example, people that call you a sociopath, or a psychopath (even though they aren’t the same things) are often using these labels because they either don’t understand what these terms mean or they want to guilt you into being their psychological pawn. Or they are psychopaths projecting their own psychopathy onto you. Happens a lot, actually.

I was talking to someone about there being no friends at work. She shook her head and said, ”No, that’s sociopath thinking.” Really? Well, good luck being pals with everyone at work, then, and see how that turns out for ya. The best strategy for me is knowing there are no friends at work but not showing it. Being friendly to everyone, whatever we think of them. Fake? So what. If you’re about authenticity all the time, then get ready to be authentically fired. It’s like with papers you’re told to sign before working in international companies. No discrimination, no this, no that. Except, it’s all nonsense, because signing ten pages about everyone being equal won’t make prejudice magically go away. It’s what we call in Polish zaklinanie rzeczywistości (tough word, huh). Loosely translates as, ”Putting a spell/charm on reality.”

We’ve got to wear masks in this world, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s pragmatic. Anyone who tells you otherwise, anyone who tells you to be always authentic at work, indeed, in life, is likely trying to manipulate you for whatever reason. You might be educating an enemy. Maybe they want to get you fired so they can take your place and money. I know a case of a guy who became friends with a new co-worker. Such a nice guy, that new co-worker. ”Fool, you don’t know what you’re doing,” were my thoughts. And I was right. The new co-worker engineered a scheme and the ”friendly guy” was fired. Look, happy-go-lucky people are great when you meet them in a non-professional setting, sure. But in business settings, you want pragmatists, yes, even sociopaths, not idealists and romantics.

I went to high school with an intellectually impaired person. He’s called Peter. Well, back then, Peter asked me to find him a girlfriend. It wasn’t a polite request, more like an order. Now, given that Peter is intellectually impaired, I saluted and said, ”I’m on it.” Why? Cause I’m not going to argue with an intellectually impaired individual. Different rules apply here. He wanted me to be the matchmaker? Fine, I was going to play that role.

Supporting others is great but the line between support and being used and abused is often blurry. It’s up to us, our life experience and smarts to know when it’s no longer support but being used as psychological pawns by energy vampires, sociopaths, pathological narcissists, and others.

To sump up: if you see someone really needs help and support, be there for them. But if someone you know, who suffers from a mental health condition, refuses to go to therapy to get better, then you have no obligation to help that person whatsoever. It just means he or she isn’t really serious about getting better. Throwing tantrums and threatening you? They are proving my point. They just want your attention, assets and energy. Block. Cut contact. If they want to get better and you see that, however, then by all means – help them and support them along the way on their healing journey. To use the favorite person analogy – you can be someone’s favorite person, that rock of stability, but only if they want their mental condition to get less severe. If they want to get better. Whether we deserve to be someone’s favorite person, that’s another matter. It’s a huge responsibility. It’s hard to find someone stable these days. If they don’t want to get better, they’re looking for just another sucker to abuse, gaslight and exploit. They just want your energy, assets, and sex.

Then, there are the white knights who want to rescue us, even when no rescuing is needed. Indeed, society is a mental menagerie and you rarely know who you come across.

Fascinating. Inspirational. Scary. Maddening. Sometimes all four.