Donald, I’m plotzing. Something’s not kosher in that White House. The Nazis you are defending now? Oy, all that free speech is giving me a headache already. Up to now I thought you were just a bissel meshuga but this, this… I get you Florida and you give me boys with tiki torches who think they’re Hitler? Blame on many sides? You’re killing me! But please, come visit — you can bring that shtunk Bannon, the Miller pisher and that Mr. Gorka with all his awards. Bring the whole alt-right KKK. There will be plenty of room in the condo for everyone — when I put my head in the oven.
The Mah Jongg ladies are all hocking me a chinik. “What’s with Donald, you told us he was good for the Jews?” At first I said “He is! What kind of bobbemynseh is this?” So I put on the news. CNN. I know you say fake news, but my neighbor knew Wolf Blitzer’s mother’s cleaning lady and she swears CNN is emmes.
What I saw on the TV! You have some kind of chutzpah, Mr., after all those Jews gave you money and went to work for you. So many Goldmans and not one Yiddishe kupf. Blood and soil? Not this blood, mamashana. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m out. You want a reason? I got 6 million of them for you. Let these “fine people” be your new mishpocha. Who wiped that big tush and paid for the hair transplants? It wasn’t David Duke, I’ll tell you that. I need this like a loch in kup. I’m sick from this — and here we go again with that fekakte wall. Transgender, immigrants, walls, wars, and now Nazis? So much tzuris, you are causing. Vey is mir, Donald, what next?
I can’t watch. I’m sitting shiva — the rugelach are in the oven. You can’t make a shtreimel from a pig’s tail, and I’m done trying. Three shiksas, fine — but you’re a confederate soldier all of sudden? You found a white hood in the attic? Feh! This is the final shonda. You want they should say Trump, that sounds German… where were his relatives during the war?
Not that you will miss me — you don’t write, you don’t call. What, Russians block your phone? It’s fine, I don’t want to be a nuisance to nobody. I’ll just check the Twitter to make sure you’re still alive. I guess fighting with Mitch McConnell and John McCain and yelling at reporters takes all your time.
You think by “Jews will not replace us” they don’t mean Ivanka and the grandkids? You can send those beautiful Jewish grandchildren down to Boca to me — those shana punim deserve better than an alt-right loving zayde and a mother who turns her head the other way. And tell Eva Braun over there to send me Barron too. There’s a Yiddish curse: may you have a hundred houses, in each house a hundred rooms, in each room twenty beds, and may a delirious fever toss you from bed to bed. Does this sound familiar, Mr. Winter Spring Summer Fall White House? You got everyone wondering what kind of fever you got that’s making you spout such chazerei.
And what’s with Afghanistan? There’s a Yiddish expression, the worst peace is better than the best war. So you might want to stop the nuclear talk with the shmendrick with the funny haircut. Another expression: the world is huge and there’s nowhere to turn. But, fine… go ahead and have your nuclear war — I’ll sit in the dark. You want a final solution? Here’s one: you should grow like an onion with your head in the ground. And remember, wear a jacket. Although where you’re headed you might not need one — and I don’t mean Boca.
plotzing: collapsing or fainting
shtunk: stinker, nasty person
pisher: an inexperienced, insignificant person
hocking me a chinik: literally Hoch mir a chinik is rattle my tea kettle, but used to mean going on endlessly
loch in kup: hole in the head
vey is mir: woe is me
bobbemynseh: tall tale
shep naches: derive pride and joy
Yiddishe kupf: a Jewish head, smarts
mamashana: an endearment
rugelach: a small delicious pastry
shtreimel: a fur hat worn by some Hasidic men
shana punim: beautiful faces
shmendrick: a clueless idiot