Preparing for a Gap Year: Abuse Prevention

For many high school graduates in the diaspora,  spending a gap year learning in Israel can be one of the most formative experiences of this stage of their lives. For some, just leaving home, branching out, and cultivating new experiences can feel life changing. For others, the act of studying, of finding mentors and teachers and spiritual engagement is life altering.  And as a parent, this stage requires a new kind of parenting – parenting from afar, in different ways and with the radical flexibility that comes with what it means to guide and simultaneously step to the side. 

Taking a step to the side requires looking beyond the lists, packing and suitcases and taking stock of the life tools needed to navigate this experience.  And when it comes to abuse prevention and parenting – there is one tool we must give them before sending them off for a year.  

We must talk to our kids about the difference between a healthy role model, mentor, rabbi and teacher and someone who uses religion and spirituality as a means of  crossing emotional and spiritual boundaries.  

Name it. Talk about a healthy adult mentor and teacher vs. one who uses religion as a way to manipulate. Help them understand that there’s no one adult on a gap year program who should be the SOLO keeper of your child’s spiritual development. Share that a healthy teacher/rabbi/rabbanit/mentor will cultivate excellent boundaries – especially emotional and spiritual boundaries, since they are key to a healthy connection.

Say it: There is a big difference between being inspired by someone, their practices, learning and faith, AND being in a position where that person, who sits in a position of power,  is cultivating hero worship. Explain that someone who ascribes to the idea that “this way of mine is the only way” should make them pause. Explain that healthy adults don’t engage in a savior complex mentality with 18 and 19 year olds. If that person’s approach is that, “I am the only one who can help you in this journey – without me you wouldn’t attain a level that you need,” that should raise a flag. 

Identify the additional red flags that should make you pause. Someone who consistently cultivates alone time in unobservable places, someone who pushes conversations of sexual acts, positions and interactions as a means of purifying someone’s mind.  Someone who takes your child to a mikvah and suggests immersion together or while watching are all “red flags” of spiritual abuse.   

Remind them: That no matter what experience they have, no matter what anyone ever tells them – you will always love and believe them. Tell them that there is nothing they could do, or that could be done to them, that would make you stop loving them. And explain that you know most of the people they meet on this journey will be amazing, and that if at some point someone acts in a way that feels off or unsafe – you will always believe them and they are allowed to speak up.  

Abuse prevention and safety is never about bubble wrapping our kids, and cutting them off from formative experiences. It is about figuring out what tools they need to identify an issue, and allowing them time and space to explore who they are and how they want to navigate this stage of life.  They are starting to build something new and as we take a step to the side, it doesn’t mean we don’t fill their toolbox before they go.  

So, even though we need to get those suitcases packed. As our children leave over these next few weeks, don’t forget that this one conversation is a tool they can take with them on this incredible journey. And this tool may very well have a ripple effect you may never hear about, but may change their life forever and for the better.