What if aspiring young do-gooders could earn a university degree that prepared them to be progressives?
The Course Catalog for Progressive University might look something like the following.
Statistics for Social Justice. Course Goals: Prepare students to counter data that damage progressive narratives of victimhood.
Topics covered: How to deny statistical evidence of criminal offending in minority communities; Distort economic data to exaggerate income inequality; Obscure data on economic and social benefits of European colonization; Use incomplete analyses to claim that women suffer economic discrimination; Selectively report data to enhance the public image of favored groups.
Fall 2019 Seminar: Debunking the finding that women earn less than men because they work fewer hours on average.
Spring 2020 Seminar: Strategies to deny the finding that Arab Israeli incomes are equal to those of Jewish Israelis when controlling for family size and two working parents.
Summer 2020 Seminar: Using anecdotal reports, rather than police statistics, to portray police as killers of black people. A winning strategy for criminals and race baiters.
Historical Ignorance as Political Leadership. Course goals: Teach students paths to electoral success based on creative reinterpretations of history in the absence of historical knowledge.
Topics covered: Portraying the US invasion of Iraq as a catastrophe by ignoring Sadaam Hussein’s mass-murder campaign and policy of regional aggression; Presenting all European colonial conquests as disasters for colonized people; Ignoring the barbarisms of pre-colonial rule and the modern advances introduced by European colonialists; Strategies to convince naïve audiences that the United States is the source of all repression and inequality in the world.
Fall 2019 Seminar: Case study of a successful politician with no knowledge of anything whatsoever. This semester will focus on the improbable career of Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
Accusations of Cultural Appropriation as Payback against Disliked Groups. Course goals: Strategies for using charges of cultural appropriation to satisfy personal resentments and to control white people.
Topics covered: Moral outrage about Hawaiian Shirt Day at school, as a means to intimidate students, teachers and school administrators; Why white rap artists are evil and must be shut down; How to know if your recipe for black-eyed peas is offensive to minority communities; How to intimidate white women who wear dreadlocks (but not black women who straighten their hair).
Fall 2019 Seminar: Twenty-three essential requirements that must be met before white people can be permitted to talk about minority culture (even when whites are a minority).
Deconstructing Western Civilization for Those Who Hate It. Course goals: To convince students that traditions and values derived from Judeo-Christian history have never had any value to any known society; To explain how western civilization has promulgated genocide, racism, white supremacism, colonialism, imperialism, Islamophobia, and poor personal hygiene. How all wealth, prosperity and freedoms were acquired by westerners through exploitation of indigenous non-western people, who themselves have never exploited anyone.
Fall 2019 Seminar: Exploration of a puzzling phenomenon—-despite the barbarism of western civilization, hundreds of millions of non-westerners seek to immigrate to the west.
What to do When the Truth is Racist. Course goals: To devalue the truth when it makes progressives’ favored groups look bad.
Topics covered: How to deny high crime rates in minority communities by claiming universal police racism; Conspiracy theories about collusion between the criminal justice system and the private prison industry to invent crimes for the purpose of flooding minority communities with incarceration; How to re-purpose police body-cam video to “prove” police wrong-doing; Inventing data to convince the public that blacks receive longer sentences than whites for the same crimes, while ignoring black’s greater history of prior offenses; Presenting a public image of minority career criminals as innocent victims.
Fall 2019 Seminar: Supporting news media that make little mention of the victims of minority murderers; highlighting the suffering of minority murderers and their families. Special reading by Ta-Nehisi Coates.
A Feminist Approach to Dismembering the Male: An Incisional Strategy. Course goals: Students will learn that all violence between males and females is committed by males; All women are oppressed by the male patriarchy; Women who kill their husbands should never be prosecuted because they murder only in self-defense; Hating men as a justifiable response to male crimes against women.
Topics covered: Females have until five seconds before climax to withdraw consent for sexual intercourse; Lack of female consent is rape and must be prosecuted; Harassing men in public: pay-back for male ogling of women; Raising boys by denigrating masculinity: a sure-fire strategy to smash the patriarchy; Enforcing gender-parity, even in occupations unpopular with women; Women staying safe: fighting for equality while avoiding the military draft, combat roles and dangerous male-dominated jobs.
Fall 2019 Seminar (Enrollment limited to women): “Lob-It Bobbitt:” Lorena Bobbitt as feminist icon.
Spring 2020 Seminar: Deconstructing sexist narratives in popular music—-banning the lyrics, “Standing on a corner watching all the girls go by.”
How to Condemn Anti-Semitism and Practice It at the Same Time. Course goals: For students to learn how to publicly declare themselves to be “fierce fighters” against anti-Semitism while, at the same time, to promote it.
Topics covered: Advocating anti-Semitic conspiracy theories (e.g., “Jews control Congress and the banks”); Accusing Jews of negative character traits (e.g., avarice, cunning); Convincing others that Jews are white supremacists; Spreading the false narrative that Jews are invaders of Palestine without any historical roots in the region; Telling the lie that “white” Israeli Jews oppress black Jews from Africa and the Middle East.
Linda Sarsour as progressive role model. Model strategy: Donate a few dollars to clean-up after anti-Semitic vandalism against a Jewish cemetery. At the same time, exclude Jewish women from your progressive organization; Praise anti-Semitic ideologues like Louis Farrakhan; Tell demonizing lies about the world’s only Jewish state.
The Advantages of Moral Certainty. Course goals: The student will learn that progressives’ tactics and policy goals are correct because progressives always take the moral side of every issue. They support oppressed groups, even when those groups murder children, because those murders are a justifiable form of resistance.
Topics covered: Why progressives should favor groups—-like the Palestinians—-even when those groups oppose all the feminist, civil rights, LGBTQ and other values dear to progressives; Why progressives should support the Palestinians even when they hurl gay people from rooftops and have a judicial system where the testimony of a woman is worth half that of a man; Why progressives should work for the destruction of Israel, even though Israel is the only country in the Middle East that protects the rights of progressives to espouse their views; Learn intersectionality, a theory that exacerbates societal divisions, as a strategy to bring people together; Intersectional aspirations to be the best person possible: dark-skinned, female, lesbian, disabled, undocumented, radical and economically unsuccessful.
Fall 2019 Seminar: How progressives can prevent their movement from self-destructing as an ever-increasing number of victim groups are legitimized and compete with one another for victim of the year. (To Be Arranged: To date, the Progressive Education Department has been unable to find an instructor who meets all the intersectional requirements to teach this course.)
Spring 2020 Seminar: Critical thinking—-How to use deduction, induction and other logical arguments to draw conclusions that will not offend progressives.
Note: Students are admitted to the program on a first-come first-served basis: First come people of color, then sexual minorities, than undocumented immigrants, then other people we like. White cis-gender men are encouraged to apply elsewhere. (Those who do not know what “cis-gender”¹ means should not apply to this program.)
Let each student become the best she, he, it, they, zie, sie, ey, ve, tey, e can be²
Progressive University is an unequal opportunity employer.
- According to Wikipedia, cisgender “…..is a term for people whose gender identity matches the sex that they were assigned at birth. For example, someone who identifies as a woman and was assigned female at birth is a cisgenderwoman.”
- These terms were retrieved June 27, 2019 from the official website of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Resource Center at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. (This is not a spoof.) https://uwm.edu/lgbtrc/support/gender-pronouns/
This website offers the following advice:
She/her/hers and he/him/his are a few commonly used pronouns. Some people call these “female/feminine” and “male/masculine” pronouns, but many avoid these labels because not everyone who uses he feels like a “male” or “masculine.”
There are also lots of gender-neutral pronouns in use. Here are a few you might hear:
- They/them/theirs (Shea ate their food because they were hungry.) This is a pretty common gender-neutral pronoun and it can be used in the singular. In fact, “they” was voted as the Word of the Year in 2015.
- Ze/hir/hir (Tyler ate hir food because ze was hungry.) Ze is pronounced like “zee” can also be spelled zie or xe, and replaces she/he/they. Hir is pronounced like “here” and replaces her/hers/him/his/they/theirs.
- Just my name please! (Ash ate Ash’s food because Ash was hungry) Some people prefer not to use pronouns at all, using their name as a pronoun instead.
The LGBT Resource Center offers the following guidelines on gender neutral/gender inclusive pronouns: