1. Do you complain that Israel is:
A. Too hot in the summer
B. Too cold in the winter
C. You don’t complain
D. A and B
2. Which of the following is a “kit-bag question”?
A. Is the green kit bag OK?
B. Do I need to wear this hat?
C. A and B
D. What is a “kit-bag question?”
E. None of the above
3. You pull up to an intersection in your nation of origin
A. You stare vacantly at the road ahead
B. You make prolonged eye contact with the driver and/or passengers in the lane next to you
C. You use the opportunity to text your mother
D. You use the opportunity to text your friend
4. You call your satellite television provider to report that your service is down. The technical support staff tells you to unplug your modem and mamir (transponder) and wait a full minute before plugging back in while s/he waits on the line. You respond:
A. I’ve already done that
B. OK I’ll try that
C. I’ve already done that and disconnected the white cables and the little yellow doohickey attached to the mamir, waited 5 minutes, and plugged the whole s**t and shebango back in. Nada!
D. What are you eating?
E. I know you just got out of Tzahal and can’t get a better job yet. But I’ve already done that and disconnected the white cables and the little yellow doohickey…
5. Same situation as Question #4, but this time the tech tells you that “It’s not our problem. Your network provider is too slow to support satellite television. Call them.”
A. You say, “What the @#$%&*?”
B. You say, “May I speak to your manager.”
C. You say, “Thank you. I’ll try that.”
D. You have at least one child who served in 8200. You say, “I already did the connectivity test on Channel 888. My connectivity speed is 39 Mbps.”
E. What is 8200?
F. You have no friends or family members who served in 8200. You say, “I already did the connectivity test on Channel 888. My connectivity speed is 39 Mbps.”
6. You ordered routine medications on your Kupat Holim’s (HMO) online app. You go to your clinic, show your purse to the security guard and go in. The printer on which you usually print your prescriptions before filling is disconnected and gathering dust. You turn to the man with a Kupat Holim badge next to the printer and ask for help. He says there’s no paper but there’s a working printer upstairs.
A. You go upstairs.
B. You plug in the printer downstairs to see what happens.
C. You offer to bring more paper from another location on the floor you are on.
D. B & C
E. You think it’s incredibly funny that there’s a maître de at Kupat Holim
7. Did you attend?
A. An ivy league school or the equivalent in your nation of origin
B. Gan yeladim in Israel
C. An Israeli university
D. A state or equivalent college in your nation of origin
E. An Israeli college
F. Israeli yeshiva
G. Foreign yeshiva
8. Did you attend Ulpan in Israel?
C. Maybe so
9. You have just arrived at the post office. There is a very long line.
A. You ask the person at the end of the line to hold your place – you’ll be right back and proceed to your next errand at the bank, Kupat Holim, etc.
B. You ask the person at the end of the line where they got that cute purse, dress, baby etc.
C. You smile with your lower and upper teeth at the folks in line as you proceed to the post office appointment you made online on the post office app
D. You wait patiently in line
10. A native Israeli asks you how much you paid for your car, apartment, couch, major appliance, or Friday-night dinner at Pundak Deluxe?
A. You answer in dollars or other foreign currency
B. You answer in shekels
C. You say, “I don’t remember.”
D. You say, “Baruch Hashem.”
*Score as follows
1. D 4, A or B 2, C 0
2. A and B 4, A or B 2, D and/or E 0
3. B 3, C and or D 1, A 0
4. E 4, A and/or D 2, B 0
5. D 25, F 50, A 2, B 1, C and/or E 0
6. E 4, D 3, B or C 1, A 0
7. B and any other option 25, C E or F but not B 2, A D or G but not B 0
8. A 0, B 0, C 0, A B and/or C 0
9. C 4, A 3, B 2, D 0
10. D 4, C 3, B 2, A 0
0-14 You have not. You may want to seek out Israeli friends and family who can help you hone your Israeli coping skills, register at the nearest gan yeladim for the Fall semester, or wait until a member of your nuclear family enlists in the IDF.
15-30 You’ve come a long way Habib(t)i. Whether you like it or not, you have become what Sarah Tuttle-Singer calls a “mermaid.” You may want to adopt the suggestions for newbies above, read Milton Steinberg’s “As a Driven Leaf” to get historical perspective, and/or enroll in a really great frequent flier program. You will be going back and forth. A lot.
30-55 Mazal tov! You deserve a צל”ש!!!!!