Regrets

The moment of repentance
is nearly upon us
I used to be a good person
maybe
I don’t know anymore
it’s all convoluted and confused
by all the rape and abuse
and maybe I never
thought I was good?

After my ex-husband tried
to kill me, I used to wish
I could find some mob guy
and put a hit on him
after all, I was forced to leave
Malibu, my soul’s homeland
and became exiled to New Jersey
that alone, and the pain and sudden,
abject poverty were enough
to wish him dead.

Then me and my baby girl
could go back home
to the place that sung to me
by day and romanced me
by night
how I longed for majestic waves and vistas
that filled every nook and cranny of
my being
the shoreline is a distant memory
we have music… but we’re landlocked.

When he died (of natural causes)
I cried for weeks
but then, I rejoiced
every single time I remember
he’s dead, I smile
I no longer live in the same fear
that permeated my life for over
seventeen years.

Nothing is as I thought it would be
feels like we’re in a permanent state
of Tisha B’Av
I’ve made some apologies, sure,
but I don’t really know where I am
anymore. We are in
an inside online world

Nature is in the distance
I still remember the drive
and optimism
now, contemplating goodness
and fear and anger
goodness, anger is the worst
sin of all
for a woman
it renders us not good
in the eyes of the world
anger and sadness
and fear and happiness
are all mixed up
nearly indiscernible

I suppose I’m the quintessential
wandering Jew
from land to land
from spiritual quest
to spiritual journey
from pain
to unimaginable pain
and though the day is close
forgiveness is not a
road I’m traveling on

I brew my tea, hold
my dogs, hug
my daughter
for hours of my days
I cook the most delicious, inventive food
I nurture, I write almost endlessly
till writing makes me known,
until it makes me a stranger
all that is in me
seeps out
the wonder-filled good and
loving heart
and the despair,
the hardness
the longing for justice
the frustration and impatience
we are locked in this moment

I have no idea where I’m going
what lies ahead
or is waiting to greet me
if only God and love
would meet me

About the Author
Dana is a Jewish feminist, writer and poet. She is passionate about her daughter, love, kindness, spirituality, the artist's voice, and speaking out for the vulnerable. She lives in Music City, Nashville, TN.
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