Resuscitating Shidduchim

Here are three different discussions – in order of importance: (I) for parents [a long text], (II) for unmarried girls [a letter to you], and (III) for single guys [something short enough]; each – I have shared (years ago). ALL: B’Bracha Raba L’Briut B’Simcha (with profound blessings for Your best health & happiness); written on quiet & peaceful mornings – in Jerusalem.

(I) For Parents

After reading many recent articles about ‘The Shidduch Crisis’, here are some of my naive childhood recollections about the shidduch process in America; how & why it was sometimes working so much better than it is today (in Israel & elsewhere). Perhaps these may awaken some of your forgotten memories; and could be adapted for improving aspects of the current Torah-Life traffic jams on the roadways to Chuppah, Shalom Bayit, and Maasim Tovim.

As a child, my grandparents told me many romanticized versions about Jewish life in Eastern Europe (from when they were young), and stories of how strange the shidduch situation was in America during (and especially right after) WWII. The ‘recent’ horrors of the Shoah and the apparent total loss of countless family, friends, teachers, and whole communities were not being discussed; even behind the invisible closed doors (that I quietly wandered through). So, let me share a few fragments from the days when I could still play quietly on the floor or under the table, and listen attentively to adult conversations; that they would never have spoken, had they suspected the focus of my ears (and the ‘latency’ of my memories).

Of course, many normal things were different from today; there was no internet, no online ‘social networks’, no cellphones, no smartphones; and there were letters, postcards, hand delivered telegrams, and a mixture of privacy & modesty that is most difficult to describe. However, this is now, and we are here in an airport-away Israeli-Diaspora commuting culture; where distances are certainly no longer measured by how far one can carry a hot pot of food from one home to another. Maybe our young people appear to be very different from us or our ancestors of memory; yet maybe not very much has changed, when it comes to realizing & recognising their beshert.

Generations ago, when looking for a really good ‘candidate’, it was a more common practice that local Rabbis & Rosh Yeshivas were often being consulted → by reason of their much (much) greater insight into people (that most any Shatchan – who mostly are ‘just matching’ Boxes of Age, Height, and Their Commi$$ion – sigh). Likewise, in the world of then, even though often living from hand-to-mouth, the tireless wives (of those Rabbis & Rosh Yeshivas) interceded by attending to countless mitzvah-directed details; which the parents of brides & grooms most willingly repaid: Sometimes with money -and- Always with endless recitals of public praise for these (otherwise invisible) ‘shadchanim’. However, Most shidduchim were actually facilitated alternately; and here are two personal examples:

One side of my family was quite formal. I recall (when I was almost five) that a few women came to my grandparents home on a hot summer day, and sat for endless hours with my grandmother, my mother, and my aunt (her sister); while none of my cousins were present, nor were any of my uncles, my father, or any older boys. These six women had nonstop discussions & negotiations about countless people with unfamiliar names; each name accompanied by various details regarding their ‘situation’, life history, character traits, and personality. 

Eventually lots of combinations were agreed to, and I did not have the slightest idea of what I was witnessing. I did however recognise & rejoice at the occasional tea servings; which came with amazing snacks, and all kinds of fancy pastries, that I only knew from Shabbat or Chagim. Finally, those ‘unrelated’ women left under a shower of mutual blessings, the table was cleared after carefully organizing lots of newly written papers, and I got a chance to ask for a ‘complete’ explanation of what ‘that’ was all about.

The answer was that my youngest uncle was getting married, these ‘unrelated’ women were the mother & sisters of his bride-to-be, and the discussions & negotiations were about who to sit with whom at each of the wedding’s dinner tables; in some cases to forge potential business relations, and in most cases to facilitate the sharing of knowledge about their marriageable children, grandchildren, relatives, neighbors, and such.

The reason all of this was to be possible, and the reason that I am sharing this story, is becoming apparent to me when I recall my uncle’s wedding. There was a ‘mini-orchestra’ that played quietly during the long wandering-around reception, and played with a romantic depth-of-passion before & just after the Chuppah. In the dining room there was a tiny improvisational band that continuously played soft folk tunes (in the background); except for a few loud & lively dance-time intervals. The arranged seating compounded with the heart soothing ambient music let people talk at their tables; and hear each other too.

 Conversations happened. 

At the men’s tables, there were engaging discussions of politics, business, philosophy, halacha, and everything under the sun. At the women’s tables (recall that I was almost five, and could still wander anywhere & everywhere), the women were swapping recipes, tips about health & kids, stories, and most importantly suddenly thinking about marriageable candidates; sometimes actually attending this wedding, but most often times ‘to be proactively investigated & arranged’ later, by phone.

Simply stated, my uncle’s wedding was an event much more complex than ‘just’ a marriage; since countless ties were being formed between two ‘diverse associations’ of family & friends, that would otherwise never be merging to this extent.

OK, here is another example from about the same time in my life, and then we can look at more ways in which the shidduch process was extremely different.

The other side of my family was less formal. There was no day-long conferencing among the matriarchs, and there was no assigned seating at the wedding dinner. Nevertheless, the background music was generally quiet enough to allow countless simultaneous conversations to be happening. On the men’s side, the fathers of the bride & groom were together going from one guest to another, exchanging Mazel Tovs; and then pulling on that guest, insisting he must meet some other. Still, many men were seeking out relatives that they might only have opportunity to talk with at these simcha events; and having their intimate catch-up discussions of politics, business, philosophy, halacha, and everything under the sun. 

On the women’s side, there were a few elderly matriarchs, each dressed in regal attire, with every aspect of makeup & jewelry precisely presented. These matriarchs never ate anything; with their attending daughters suggesting or insisting for them to drink something, or to sit down. Anyway, in front of each matriarch was a patiently waiting line of women, some caring babies, others with their small children running & playing & coming back to their moms (with little kid-time reports). While waiting for their respectful turn with the matriarch, these women were exchanging lots of ideas & feelings with each other. 

Eventually, when privileged with an audience before that much older & wiser version of themselves, they exchanged blessings, reported on their life circumstances, mentioned exceptional aspects of their current life (both happy & sad), and exchanged blessings again. 

A few other recollections about these reigning matriarchs, they mostly listened, they spoke slower & quieter than the ‘supplicant’ facing them, and sometimes they would pause to instruct their attending daughter to remember to do some errand, pursue some shidduch for someone, or such.

In addition, the shidduch process was typically very different; since every woman and most of their husbands were trying to experience the ‘good deed’ of making a real shidduch. For them, it was not about any money, since how many shidduchim one made proclaimed your higher status and gave you more attention than any diamond ring → having the same number of carats! Making each shidduch for the mitzvah was experiencing being a joyful momentary co-worker with ‘HaShem’ (of ever-present omnipresence); while taking on a heavy weight of longstanding responsibility for the progress of this new couple’s life.

Attempting to make a shidduch was not just about getting the son of whomever to meet the daughter of idunno; it involved being a go-between in the resolution of seemingly endless misunderstandings & uncertainties, between this son & that daughter, and their parents (of course). It also involved the one making the shidduch to try to help straighten out details of what each side ‘contributes’ to the wedding process, and to the couple’s life thereafter. What a terrible stain, upon the one who made a shidduch, if that couple were G-D forbid to remain childless, or worse. On the other hand, the one who successfully makes a shidduch became a coveted guest at many ‘unRelated’ simcha events, enjoyed open access to human resources of the families of both the bride and the groom; almost in perpetuity – that is even extending to the social status of the children of those that made a successful shidduch.

So, to begin to resuscitate shidduchim in our days, there are practices that we might bring back from that ‘recent’ past, in order to clear some of the current shidduch ‘traffic jams’; and at least one important ‘idea’ that we might be stricter about following, from the tried & true best life-practices ‘advice’ of our scholarly sages.

From my memories, we can now turn the wedding music Down for Most of the reception & dinner times, so that important people-contacts & connections can be formed; and we can abandon the general practice of paying money for a shidduch, AND replace it with Often-Openly attributing great Status & Honor to those who succeed in making successful shidduchim. More importantly, since we seem to be entering a distance-free network mediated social age, it may be helpful if One of the wedding speeches includes a heartfelt request (for those sitting at Every table – to turn to their Other neighbor, and) to explore shidduch possibilities for someone. In the spirit of this Simcha, for this newly married couple, Every Guest should proceed forward with the possibilities of further Simchas; that is → To Actively Try to bring others together under the Chuppah.

From our sages, before sending our young (albeit already halachically of marriageable age) children off to learn in distant yeshivas or seminaries (or colleges), first carefully look for their beshert in your community, then diligently in your city; then far & wide in your country. ⇒ Do not leave your ‘child’ suffering → to await the winds of a chance meeting or the greedy introductions of some Shadchan: who has nowhere near enough appreciation of who this young person is -nor- the complex multi-generational character of their ancestry. 

If after thus actively searching on behalf of your child there, then send them off to Israel (or abroad, or to live with a distant relative) to enter into the local unmarried looking-to-get married ‘pool’ of yeshiva boys & seminary girls (yes – and college kids too). Today, profoundly inquiring about their beshert (according to this Ancient Protocol) includes two possibilities; either their beshert is in the region where you are looking, or someone there will point you to that beshert, wherever he or she may be.

Trust in this ‘advice’ of our sages, and remember that your son or daughter will certainly be happier, and you too will be happier, if they first marry, and then maybe go wherever to learn in Kollel (or to some future-oriented parnasa training program), and such; since today’s couples often originate from different places, and they will Not be residing in both. Still, it is so pleasant to think that one day they may be living a hot pot distance away from you (or you from them); so that you can B”H have some ongoing Naches from their Shalom Bayit, and Maasim Tovim.

(II) For unmarried Girls

(30 April 2020)    Dear Single Women (posting on *******.com):

Yes, I am looking to get married; but NO, most of you are (absolutely) much too young for me. I am writing this to share my life experience observations with you, in the hope that these may help you. Simply said, this is NOT about me.

I do not know you, but I can tell you what I understand from looking at your picture(s), ‘about you’, your dating profile, and your (often) easy-to-find online persona; and I hope that these comments (of mine – here) will help you to get married, and to begin your beautiful married life. Many of you are really physically beautiful (even those of you who may not agree), and always-or-often you are hypnotic to men; sometimes by intent, or sometimes just because of the way your personality has developed. That means that the typical reason that you are on a dating site is because you attract (or are being set up with) the wrong men; that is – Not the men that you are looking for.

Yes, money & financial stability are very important; but if you put that as an iron demand condition, then you are missing some fine men. Of course, That is up to you.

Nevertheless, having spent many many years looking to get married (and eventually – thereafter, for some years now, as a widower), I had been & have been a guest and/or ‘ben bait’ in many warm nurturing homes; and I want to share with you what I observed. Well, specifically, I have seen two kinds of beautiful marriage types – that (maybe) you should keep in mind.

There are couples where the wife is totally more intelligent than the husband; not just IQ intelligent or academic qualified ‘intelligent’, but also emotional intelligence, mature, practical, world aware, etc. These marriages work because the husband is kind, caring, loving, non-violent, sometimes shy, even often inarticulate; but he is such a beautiful father for their children, and he totally appreciates and is every-moment thankful & respectful that he has her for a wife. He lives, works, eats, and sleeps in his own ‘Biblical Dream’ – where his wife, the mother of his children, is also (in so many ways) his mother & his sister & the love of his life.

Another kind of beautiful marriage is where the husband is older than anyone-imagined that the wife would have married; and their marriage works – in some negotiated compromised egalitarian way, that is mutually realistic – concerning all of their asymmetries as a couple – to make the most from what each brings to the marriage. OH, and he is probably somewhat shy too. Nevertheless, because of their mutual respect & mutual high regard, they typically engage in endless hours of conversation, about everything & anything; until they become one person!

Now, I am sure that you can contemplate your own conclusions from these two ‘peculiar’ examples; and I hope that B”H you find your bashert (‘divine other’) soon, and that you quickly recognise & accept each other to be the basis for a faithful house of love and peace and growth. (Awe’Main!)

BTW – often (in so many of these examples) the couple’s organic & original religious ‘status’ did not specifically (nor even remotely) match – but they are ever-cautious & ever-conscious about really (really) trying NOT to disturb the other’s ‘peace of mind’. Strangely, that means that Halacha was very helpful for finding their starting day-to-day married compatibility; by reason that their newly married couple-status did not start on a blank page (just like the newly weds who subscribe to the same Halacha standard do not start on a blank page). Usually individuals and couples do not stay on any exact page; by reason that they are growing; and learning from each other; and always discovering that there are countless subtle differences in their orientations; and in the unforeseen ways that they mature. 

and . . . sorry . . . – but – I do not know any rule that demonstrates which successful marriages started with him chasing her, or her chasing him, or somebody or some circumstance ‘throwing’ them together (hey – sometimes they are both shy – at least with each other), OR when a sincere word somehow helped them to get to the right conclusion; but maybe something of what I have written here will help you to get to that very good place – a beginning of Your wonderful married life.

. . . perhaps this may give you an opportunity to discover: that he will often not compliment you, not because he does not notice – but because he does not know how (so you will have to teach him); OR that it is easier for him to make decisions, not because he knows better – but because he is less cautious about mistakes (something else that you will have to work on); OR that he has various skills & aptitudes that you never suspected – that come in the same person as ‘the him’ that you think that you know – but that is also true about his discovering your grandeur & hidden assets (although it will probably take him longer).

Men & women are different (of course – you knew that already); but maybe reading it here will help you – and that is why I have written this.

(III) For Single Guys

YES – That imaginary list of who you are looking to marry changes daily, or weekly, or whenever you think about it. Know: The miracle of Your Beshert is that B”H she has some quality that you see, that was not on any of your lists, that you have no idea whatsoever what it should be called, that obviously belongs at the TOP (and if there are no deal–breakers, then expect that some list items are there and other not → which is OK: since this a package deal. She is a package AND so are you!) 

Simply: Acceptance-and-Gratitude (including Endless Sincere Efforts thereafter).

(From my Enlightening Lives Haggadah – Adult Commentary Edition – very partially published) …Once upon a time, there were/are Four Sons: a wise one, a wicked one, a simple-minded one, and one who did not know enough to ask. ⇒ Now, the wise one was & is every boy age three to thirteen – for it is he who knows the why & wherefore of absolutely everything – and you only need to ask him to see the truth of this; ⇒ then upon puberty he becomes the wicked one – for by thought, speech, and even action – it is his newly-enriched nature to question the why & wherefore of absolutely everything; ⇒ then upon arriving at the grand realization that he must find his soulmate in order to sanctify the essence of his existence, he profoundly sublimates the simultaneous chaos of his wise know-everything side and of his wicked falsify-everything side beneath a simple-minded plain-normative exterior; ⇒ thus finally upon entry into the ‘quantum entanglements’ of marriage, he initially becomes incapable of even knowing enough to ask (so profoundly is he blindly navigating his meta-dialectic state-space) that YOU (‘female’) his Bride-Wife must tell-teach-explain-show him everything; ⇒ and then B”H they live happily ever after… in which they help each other ‘mature together’…

Young man: Of course, you find this rendering of the Four Sons as ONE to be amusing; but I must tell you – when I tell this to gentlemen who have been married (happily – for many years) – they pause, …, and then they say: “I thought it was just me!”