Searching the Shelf
I’m on a mission: to find pre-war or post-war photos of my dad for a book about Jewish doctors in the camps. I know where to start—on the top shelf of my bedroom closet, where old photo albums lie hidden and undisturbed.
I rarely open these albums. They’re dusty tomes of the past. But I hear the echo of that famous warning: the unexamined life is not worth living.
I stretch to pull one down, and excruciating pain shoots through my hip. Sciatica. Spinal stenosis. These are my new companions. They’re like nosy old neighbors—always dropping by, never invited. They jab and stab at me a thousand times a day, needles into my upper leg. I’m no masochist, so there’s no thrill—only torment.
I whisper my usual mantra:
“Every day is a blessing. Every day is a blessing.”
It doesn’t work. The pain laughs. I try others:
“Some folks have it worse. Butch up.”
“Better than the alternative.”
Like expired over-the-counter meds, none offer relief.
How high is the cost in pain to wait for entry into God’s waiting room?
I wonder when I’ll hear my name murmured from behind that sacred door. I picture it clearly, engraved in pearly white letters:
DO NOT ENTER UNTIL YOUR NAME IS CALLED.
The mantra still fails, so I sit. Slowly, the pain slackens. I open the album. Yellowed pages. Fading corners. A life flickers into view.
Bar mitzvahs. Weddings. Brises.
Newborns behind hospital glass.
Graduations. Vacations. Cruises. National parks.
Snapshots of joy, of a full life lived. I smile.
Unconsciously, I sing,
“Those were the days, my friend. I thought they’d never end.”
We don’t take photos in the ER or the OR—those are snapshots stored deep in the mind, too painful to print.
As I flip through, I pause.
Who is that skinny, smiling, handsome young man?
Is that really me?
Again, I sing softly,
“Those were the days, my friend…”
But pain doesn’t only live in the body. My eyes sting with grief. The photos hold joy, yes—but also loss. Loved ones who heard their names called and stepped through the door marked:
DO NOT ENTER UNTIL YOUR NAME IS CALLED.
